PELOSI’S BILL FOR FEDERALLY FUNDED TOILET PAPER OPTION INCLUDES FINES FOR NOT WIPING ASS

POLL SHOWS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS DON’T TRUST POLLS

TEN MILLION CHINESE TROOPS “JUST VISITING,” SAYS OBAMA

WANDA SYKES SHOW IN SECOND SEASON – AMERICANS BAFFLED

15 MORE WOMEN, 6 MEN, 3 HORSES, 4 SHEEP, AND AN END TABLE CLAIM TO HAVE HAD AFFAIR WITH TIGER WOODS

GLOBAL WARMING NOW PERVASIVE, CATASTROPHIC; CHICAGO A TROPICAL PARADISE

CATHOLIC PRIEST CLAIMS TIGER WOODS MOLESTED HIM

OBAMA OFFERS CALIFORNIA TO CHINA AS DEBT REPAYMENT, “NO THANK YOU” THEY RESPOND

AMERICA INVADES IRAN, OBAMA WINS SECOND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

JIMMY FALLON STILL TELLING JOKES ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH

PALIN ANNOUNCES RUN FOR PRESIDENCY IN 2012, BABY JESUS CRIES

ILLINOIS SELLS OBAMA’S SENATE SEAT TO MARK CUBAN TO COMBAT RISING BUDGETARY DEFICIT

OBAMA BECOMES FIRST BLACK PERSON TO GIVE “STATE OF THE UNION” ADDRESS

WORLD CUP MAKES AFRICA SEEM ALMOST BEARABLE

WINTER OLYMPICS A SUCCESS, NO ONE NOTICES

FURBY ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS, SAYS, “I USED TO BE ON TOP.”

“SEXT” RAPIST GETS DEATH SENTENCE; JURY SAYS, “C YA”

ABC’S “BIGGEST LOSER: RELAPSE” CANCELLED, AMERICA LOSES HOPE

LOST’S SMOKE MONSTER REVEALED, OBAMA TO GUEST STAR

KANYE INTERRUPTS OBAMA’S NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY, SAYS “DESMOND TUTU WAS BETTER”

Thanks to Christian Gonzalez and Kent for contributing headlines to the list.

Christian publishing giant Zondervan (of Grand Rapids, Michigan) announced this weekend that it will be teaming with super-chic Apple Computers to release its latest translation: the iGod.  To meet the fickle demands of a growing generation of tech-driven youth group yuppies, the iGod offers a 25gig multimedia version of the holy writ complete with SwordDrills, WOW Worship IX, and a “Making The Bible” behind-the-scenes documentary.

Biblical purists and PC users alike are already decrying what they call “a desecration of the Sacred Book by the twin demons of technological advancement and aesthetic appeal.”  Apple’s CEO Steve Jobs defended the iGod by saying, “Someone told me once that you can’t put God in a box?  Well how about a state-of-the-art, multi-sensory media player that comes in four appealing colors?  Can I put him in that?”

87 year-old man feels 82 again

Area octogenarian Merle Farnsworth has a new lease on life today after an exceptionally restful mid-afternoon nap in his rocking chair by the front window.  Mr. Farnsworth dozed off halfway through a particularly riveting article in the October 1997 issue of TV Guide and awoke feeling “better than [he's] felt in at least five years.”

On the heels of this youthful energy, Mr. Farnsworth has decided to expand his daily diet from the usual staples of cottage cheese and saltine crackers to again include pineapple chunks and the occasional uncooked hot dog.  He was also proud to report that he is now able to climb five stairs without becoming seriously winded and has increased his time between naps to a full 90 minutes.

Mr. Farnsworth has told TTM that if his new found vitality continues he is seriously considering making the trek outside to refill the bird feeder, so that he might again be able to watch the playful sparrows, chickadees, and barn swallows flitting hither and yon across the yard.

Metrosexual Rights Group to March on Washington

Following the lead of their more combative homosexual peers, the metrosexual rights group Groom*d will gather en masse in Washington DC next month, according to the group’s MySpace page.

“We want to end the negative stereotypes,” said organizer Shane W. Fitzpatrick. “Words like ‘base tan’ and ‘faux hawk’ aren’t profanities. And ‘metro’ is more than just a pretty face beneath perfect tufts of gelled hair that accentuate the brown tweed sport coat. It’s about something else.”

Fitzpatrick neglected to comment on what that something else was, but he added that “a lot of metros may feel they have to do this alone. It’s like Jack’s Mannequin says ‘I’ll be strong, but whatever you do/Please don’t get me rescued.’ We want metros everywhere to feel like they can be rescued. We’re extending a hand…it just happens to be moisturized and better manicured than most.”

Fitzpatrick also declined to specify what he meant when he asked this reporter if he was growing “an eyebrow farm.”

This anthology of short articles is reprinted with permission from Off The Record International.  Due credit must be given to Mr. Jeff Nelson and Mr. Tory Schalkle for their contributions of the first and third stories, respectively. And, of course, to Kent who wrote the second one.

The show, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and Dr. James Dobson, is entitled 24: Ex Nihilo and stars Keifer Sutherland as Jack Bauer, the only begotten nephew of God. The show, slated for six seasons, will tell the story of Jack Bauer thwarting attempts by various parties to destroy creation.

“Seasons one through three are admittedly a little slow,” said Dobson. “But when more characters are introduced and the earth begins to take shape, the show really takes off. Personally, I can’t wait for season six, which will replace CTU with DNA, imago dei style! Sure there’s gratuitous nudity in every episode, but this is Biblical nudity and I think it’s important for parents to see it with their children.”

Dobson also gave this reporter a special sneak peak of the series in exchange for some leads on possible cartoon homosexuals. I determined that the best way to review this show was to list some of the key events from one day. I chose day five. Consider this your spoiler alert.

6:12:34 a.m.: God creates the white pine tree. Good for Him!
1:39:21 p.m.: Jack Bauer uncovers the demonic plot to destroy moss, thereby leaving creation incomplete.
2:30-5:30 p.m.: Using his Glock, Jack hunts the North American elk to near extinction before the newly created rain forces him back inside. Creation is temporarily behind schedule while God replenishes the elk population.
6:00:00 p.m.: Jack and God have some dinner.
10:43:21 p.m.: Jack has a run-in with a belligerent, talking snake near present day Baghdad. After giving the snake a stern dressing down, Jack washes its mouth out with soap and lets it go.

Without giving too much away, I’d like to leave a few other hints: Chinese government, Eva Longoria as Eve, a walrus with a lisp for comic relief, an assassination attempt on Adam (played by Adam Brody), and much more. In the opinion of this critic, missing this show would be worse than original sin. Seriously, Paradise Found with this series. Fox has done it again and I can say with absolutely no reservation, “it is good!”

-Written by Adam Snyder and reprinted with permission from a previous publication.  Please direct all complaints/accusations of blasphemy to The Talking Mirror’s corporate offices.