THE “HICCUP DEFENSE”
Show me someone who has had the hiccups, and I’ll show you a person who asked — no, demanded — that someone scare the hiccups out of them. The facts show that my client is the real victim, guilty of being a devoted wife, wanting only to please her husband. Upon his request, she attempted to scare his hiccups away. She did what any of us would do — she grabbed the nearest flamethrower and unleashed a scare-inducing blast of fire. But my client didn’t fully understand how to operate the flamethrower. You know how obfuscating instructions can be. Have you ever tried to assemble something from IKEA? So yes, my client accidentally turned her husband into something resembling a marshmallow that fell into a campfire. But the fact is, he never hiccupped again. As for my client, she lost a husband. Let’s not forget that.
THE “I’M JUST NOT A MORNING PERSON DEFENSE”
My client is much like my nephew. If he doesn’t get his sleep, he — like any of us — gets cranky, irritable and, if we’re being honest, homicidal. He simply isn’t a morning person and shouldn’t be held responsible for any actions before noon. The gentleman from the phone company knocked on my client’s door sometime between 9:45 a.m. and 10:10 a.m. This may not seem like an ungodly hour, but my client is jobless. He is the victim of a plummeting economy and a bruised ego that won’t even allow him to seek employment. Mornings are hard for him. That fateful early morning knock — a knock we can all agree was a mistake — is the reason a man was dismembered, placed in several trash bags, weighted down and tossed into the East River. Or was it? The prosecution failed to mention that the “victim” was single, in his mid-thirties, never married and had no kids. Makes you wonder. Was he a violent man? A drug-addled miscreant posing as a phone technician? Was he an aspiring gang member whose final stage of initiation was to kill my client? Who am I to say? But then again, who am I to deny any of that? The prosecution certainly didn’t address those possibilities. Regardless, may the “victim” rest in peace even though he disturbed my client’s rest before noon. Read the full story
Popularity: 31% [?]
