THE “HICCUP DEFENSE”
Show me someone who has had the hiccups, and I’ll show you a person who asked — no, demanded — that someone scare the hiccups out of them. The facts show that my client is the real victim, guilty of being a devoted wife, wanting only to please her husband. Upon his request, she attempted to scare his hiccups away. She did what any of us would do — she grabbed the nearest flamethrower and unleashed a scare-inducing blast of fire. But my client didn’t fully understand how to operate the flamethrower. You know how obfuscating instructions can be. Have you ever tried to assemble something from IKEA? So yes, my client accidentally turned her husband into something resembling a marshmallow that fell into a campfire. But the fact is, he never hiccupped again. As for my client, she lost a husband. Let’s not forget that.

THE “I’M JUST NOT A MORNING PERSON DEFENSE”
My client is much like my nephew. If he doesn’t get his sleep, he — like any of us — gets cranky, irritable and, if we’re being honest, homicidal. He simply isn’t a morning person and shouldn’t be held responsible for any actions before noon. The gentleman from the phone company knocked on my client’s door sometime between 9:45 a.m. and 10:10 a.m. This may not seem like an ungodly hour, but my client is jobless.  He is the victim of a plummeting economy and a bruised ego that won’t even allow him to seek employment. Mornings are hard for him. That fateful early morning knock — a knock we can all agree was a mistake — is the reason a man was dismembered, placed in several trash bags, weighted down and tossed into the East River. Or was it? The prosecution failed to mention that the “victim” was single, in his mid-thirties, never married and had no kids. Makes you wonder. Was he a violent man? A drug-addled miscreant posing as a phone technician? Was he an aspiring gang member whose final stage of initiation was to kill my client? Who am I to say? But then again, who am I to deny any of that? The prosecution certainly didn’t address those possibilities. Regardless, may the “victim” rest in peace even though he disturbed my client’s rest before noon.

THE “THERE WAS NO PRICE TAG ON THE CAR DEFENSE”
Goodwill. Is it not what we all seek in ourselves — and others? Apparently, kindness doesn’t exist at car dealerships. Browsing the lot, my client stumbled upon a car that he believed was free. After all, there was no sticker price on the window, nor was there a price painted on the windshield. Not wanting to bother any of the salespeople, my client selflessly arrived at the lot at 2 a.m. despite being exhausted — and high. He hotwired the car for a test drive, which he enjoyed even if it did pull a bit to the left. (By the way, the alignment should be fixed by the dealership as the vehicle in question is still under warranty.) The point is, he liked this car, understandably believed it was free and kept it. My client is guilty of only one thing: trusting in the kindness of others. Your honor, you’re a patriotic, proud, strikingly handsome American who will never forget 9/11. What’s more, if you look in the upper right hand drawer of your desk, you’ll notice you are also $20 richer. Please reflect on that before making your decision.

THE “GUY KINDA HAD IT COMING DEFENSE”
I’m not sure how this case even made it to trial. It should have been thrown out on precedent. I cite McMillan v. Fillmore, a case involving a childhood bully (McMillan) and the bullied (Fillmore). Years after the bullying, Fillmore and McMillan met by happenstance: Fillmore accidentally ended up in McMillan’s bedroom in the dead of night, accidentally unloaded a series of bullets on him, reloaded and inadvertently emptied another cartridge into the recently deceased McMillan. The jury in that case agreed with the defense: McMillan, a dick, had it coming. Now that case — which isn’t real, but could be — applies directly to this one. The torment my client faced on the playground each day as child, resulted in 38 bullets being fired into the body of his tormenter at close range 19 years later. The “victim,” may he rest in peace, kinda had it coming.

Frank Ferri is a copywriter who thinks he’s funny.  His work has previously appeared in McSweeney’s, Yankee Pot Roast, and The Big Jewel.  You can visit him at frankferri.com.