This is the closest to heaven a lot of people will ever get.

There is a place for everyone in this world. Caesar was born for Rome, Bon Jovi was born for the stage, Billy Mays was born for that soft spot in everyone’s heart and I… I was born for the suburbs.  Let me give you a perspective: I begin to feel disoriented if there are fewer than eight chain restaurants within a mile of my primary residence.   I am frightened by and suspicious of trees that are older than I am. I often awake in the middle of the night with the urge to commit random acts of home repair – I build retaining walls at midnight, I grout tile by flashlight, I steal ride-on mowers just so I can get a turn.

Now obviously these tendencies are completely normal. You see, since the beginning of prehistoric time, human males have sought what anthropologists call “the masculine trifecta”:
1) to protect a domain (and increase its resale value)
2) to provide for a family (the primary provision being an HD big screen, but clothes and other frivolities also fall under this)
3) to hunt and grill prey (hunted in the Kowalski’s aisle and grilled on an oversized Weber) Read the full story

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The world is a dark, mean, ugly place. If you ever have any doubts of that, just watch The Hills. It’s a show about beautiful rich people that MTV decided to make famous. Truly, there is no such thing as real justice. And that’s especially true with you, neoliberal kid.  Your heart is bleeding and you plan on drowning all the world’s bad dreams in your justicey lifeforce. I shouldn’t say drowning – that’s violent. You’re just going to talk about it until all the world’s problems get irritated and leave. That’s more fitting. While the rest of us simply accept/ignore the darker things in life, you wear them around your neck like a big, heavy, depressing necklace. But perhaps sometimes you’re not sure about how you direct the blood that is inevitably gushing out of your heart. Don’t cry. I’m here to help.

Step One: Wear the Correct Name Tag
Are you a neoliberal or a social democrat? Or are you just a democrat? Or are you a socialist? I’d avoid calling yourself just a “democrat”; that just makes you sound like an old timer. You’re more conscious than that. Your democracy needs an adjective. And you probably shouldn’t say “socialist” either. Sarah Palin would likely show up at your house and call all your friends terrorists. It really doesn’t matter which one of the other two you choose, though. They both sound cutting edge. Read the full story

Popularity: 22% [?]