This is the closest to heaven a lot of people will ever get.

There is a place for everyone in this world. Caesar was born for Rome, Bon Jovi was born for the stage, Billy Mays was born for that soft spot in everyone’s heart and I… I was born for the suburbs.  Let me give you a perspective: I begin to feel disoriented if there are fewer than eight chain restaurants within a mile of my primary residence.   I am frightened by and suspicious of trees that are older than I am. I often awake in the middle of the night with the urge to commit random acts of home repair – I build retaining walls at midnight, I grout tile by flashlight, I steal ride-on mowers just so I can get a turn.

Now obviously these tendencies are completely normal. You see, since the beginning of prehistoric time, human males have sought what anthropologists call “the masculine trifecta”:
1) to protect a domain (and increase its resale value)
2) to provide for a family (the primary provision being an HD big screen, but clothes and other frivolities also fall under this)
3) to hunt and grill prey (hunted in the Kowalski’s aisle and grilled on an oversized Weber)

These primordial desires, however, have been stuffed and stiffled for over a year as I’ve been trapped in an urban jungle of liberal baboons. Imagine a town overrun with college lit students and Wes Anderson fans. That’s a glimpse of where I live. Behold the progressive splendor of my neighborhood:
- there’s a mandatory hipster dress code of wingtip glasses and skinny jeans
- there are more organic food co-ops than fast food joints
- when Obama was elected, women (with more leg hair than the Oakland Raiders) marched down my street joyously banging pots and pans. True story. These are not deranged West Virginians who hunt squirrels. They are educated professionals who read The New Yorker; they are my neighbors; they are why I lock my door; and they are why I want out of urban America.

Don’t get me wrong. I love NPR, locally grown food, and reducing carbon emissions just as much as the next poverty-stricken bike messanger, but I need the suburbs. Now “research” maligns the suburbs as a hellish place that perpetuates “suburban seclusion”, “conspicuous consumption”, and other delightful attributes that happen to top my “What’s Awesome About America” list. White picket fences and curvy streets? (check!) KFC/Taco Bell combo locations? (go on…) Potlucks and block parties? (two please!) I’m practically shedding tears of red, white, and blue as I write this!

I mean, is it wrong that the scent of freshly mowed grass is an aphrodisiac for me? Is it weird that retaining walls make me weep? Is it illegal that I’m already making rotating snack schedules for little league games?  No, no, and probably.  But I don’t and won’t apologize for who I am.

Let me put it in simpler terms: if heaven doesn’t have tee times, neighborhood patrols, and in-ground pools… well… maybe I don’t want to go.

Image copyright AFS aerial photography.

The world is a dark, mean, ugly place. If you ever have any doubts of that, just watch The Hills. It’s a show about beautiful rich people that MTV decided to make famous. Truly, there is no such thing as real justice. And that’s especially true with you, neoliberal kid.  Your heart is bleeding and you plan on drowning all the world’s bad dreams in your justicey lifeforce. I shouldn’t say drowning – that’s violent. You’re just going to talk about it until all the world’s problems get irritated and leave. That’s more fitting. While the rest of us simply accept/ignore the darker things in life, you wear them around your neck like a big, heavy, depressing necklace. But perhaps sometimes you’re not sure about how you direct the blood that is inevitably gushing out of your heart. Don’t cry. I’m here to help.

Step One: Wear the Correct Name Tag
Are you a neoliberal or a social democrat? Or are you just a democrat? Or are you a socialist? I’d avoid calling yourself just a “democrat”; that just makes you sound like an old timer. You’re more conscious than that. Your democracy needs an adjective. And you probably shouldn’t say “socialist” either. Sarah Palin would likely show up at your house and call all your friends terrorists. It really doesn’t matter which one of the other two you choose, though. They both sound cutting edge.

Neoliberal - “neo” means new or at least it sounds like it does, and that’s better than old (more of the McSame) and “liberal” sounds trendy (LiLo is probably a liberal, don’t you want to be like her? I know for a fact Kent does).

Social Democrat – “Social” is better than anti-social (means you care about people and you’re probably killer at beer pong) and “democrat” is TOTALLY in right now (did you Barack the vote? Of course you did).

Step Two: Never, Ever See the Bright Side
This applies when talking about any social or political issue, but you can always take it to the next level and warm every subject under your quilt of negativity. Here are some examples:

Ignorant Asshole: Hey, did you know that the United States is the most charitable nation in the world?
Righteous Informer: Yeah, well we also invaded Iraq because the Bush administration loves war and oil. Murderer!

Ignorant Asshole: Hey, I heard about this organization that’s doing some good work fighting AIDS in Sudan.
Righteous Informer: Yeah, well what are they doing about AIDS in Rwanda? Just leaving those Rwandans in the crapper huh? Not African enough for you? Racist!

Ignorant Asshole: Hey, I got a puppy today!
Righteous Informer: Yeah, well it was probably born in an inhumane puppy mill that you just kept in business with your purchase. Puppy killer!

Do whatever you can to turn a situation from positive to negative. No matter what it is, your job is to remind us all that the world sucks, it hurts your soul, and somehow you talking about it constantly is going to change things.

Step Three: Unpatriotic Patriotism:
This one sounds somewhat complicated, but it’s actually rather simple. You just have to constantly contradict yourself. Whenever you talk about your home nation (which will inevitably be the ‘ol bastard U.S. of A.) you have to love it, but hate it. And certainly not in that particular order. These are some key phrases and bywords that you simply won’t be able to live without:

Empire: You cannot refer to the United States by its name or as a “nation.” It is an empire. Any international decision made has no motivation other than expanding the empire. Why did we invade Iraq? Certainly not to depose a violent, murderous dictator. No, no. It was to acquire more oil for our empire. That is a very simple way to make the country sound ominous and evil without saying that outright.

“They”: This may seem like a rather innocuous plural pronoun, but it absolutely is not. You see, friend, it is they who tell us what we should think. It is they who tell us the difference between right and wrong. It is they who pacify us through various forms of media like FoxNews and CNN. They want us to believe that we know the truth. But we don’t, and they make sure of that. Tracking with me? They hope not.

Poor/Oppressed/Marginalized: These words represent your cause. Maybe you spent a couple weekends volunteering in an inner city homeless shelter. Maybe you spent some time abroad. Maybe you were really moved by one of those commercials with the old bearded guy that hangs out with really sad looking children and begs for money. Whatever – all that matters now is that these people are your cause. Always bring them up and always be on the defensive. Any jokes someone might make about almost anything (except white people) are insensitive and inappropriate and it is your job to let them know that. When someone asks what you know about being poor, oppressed, or marginalized, quickly change the subject to global warming.

And Finally, Some Quick Tips:
These are a few quick absolutes for having a heart that bleeds love and unity for all mankind.
1.) Drive a hybrid. If you don’t drive a hybrid, you’re an earth hating fake and everyone will know it. It will inevitably be more than $25,000, but that’s okay because your parents paid for it and that’s like, less than 1% of their yearly income anyway. And it helps the environment.
2.) DO NOT VOTE. I don’t care what the election is or who is running, you must not vote. When someone asks who you voted for, this should be your response: “Who did I vote for? Pffft, no one, obviously. You think your vote means anything? Hah… Peasant.” (Note: Barack Obama is the exception to this rule. He’s going to change everything through hope. Believe it.)
3.) Everything you do must represent an issue for which you stand. You drink organic coffee from a local coffee shop, you wear “recycled” clothes that you either made yourself or bought from Goodwill, and you listen to “native” music that no one has heard of, most likely because it totally sucks.
4.) You should probably smoke weed, but I’m not sure why. It’s just part of the package.

That’s it, kiddies. Follow this guide and you’ll be on your way to wearing a pair of Toms and having stinky dreadlocks in no time. Come back next week for yet another guide to something else.