The social universe has an unspoken balance in place that ensures that life makes sense. We hang out with people as cool as we are, we date within our acceptable range, and people that are born into wealth and status run our countries. When some son of a bitch tries to upset that balance, bad things happen. Remember the French Revolution? That happened because one of Quasimodo’s descendants landed a smoking-hot art model. The Civil War? Some mustachioed sea donkey from the North decided she wanted to date a studly land owner from Alabama.  Name any natural disaster and it can be traced back to some fugly idiot not following the rules of romance. If you mess with the balance, the universe compensates with blood.

Despite this delicate equilibrium, matchmaking is never perfect. Occasionally it is so uneven that it elicits a deep sense of injustice from our communal soul, sort of like any time Keanu Reeves gets another acting gig. You know something isn’t right. You can feel it. Someone is getting something they don’t deserve.

So, you walking dumpster, how do you make things right once you have a hottie in your white-knuckled, kill-me-to-take-it grip? How do you cope with dating someone that is hotter than you? Grab your Moleskine and take a seat, my child. We have much to discuss.

One rule: Over Compensate
She’s a 10 and you’re a 3. That’s a pretty sizable gap, almost as significant as the one between your two front teeth. You’re going to need to string a rope-bridge across that dark chasm. When people see you with your deafeningly hot significant other, the comments will go something like this:

“Damn, (he/she) is so (hot/attractive/sexcellent). Why is (he/she) with that Seth Rogen look alike? Well, I guess (he/she) is at least (fill in the blank).”

That blank can be filled with a few different things that will help even the score between you and your walking fantasy.

That is one unattractive dude.

1. Get in ridiculous shape.
You can’t help having a Haitian Earthquake for a face, but you can blast your pecks into beautiful oblivion. Work out constantly, get really into triathlons, get ab implants – whatever you want. You need to work your way into the “butterface” zone so people may be able to shrug off the 7 point difference between you and the Greek sculpture you’re dating.

2. Get rich and/or famous.
Ideally this would happen before you start dating a walking masterpiece, but if you somehow win the lottery before buying the ticket you still have options. Are you talented? You’d better hope you are. It doesn’t matter if you’re the world’s greatest tap dancer or if you start the next Google, you just need to be on top of something. It can even be something nerdy like math or writing internet humor, people won’t care as long as they have a good reason not to kill you for upsetting cupid’s system. Hell, you may even be able to get away with being a second or third string celebrity/musician/mogul, you’ll just have to deal with more public anger and ridicule than you would have if you were Seal.

Apparently he's a great musician.

3. Get a horrible disease.
If all else fails, there’s always the “Make-A-Wish Foundation” route. This is the Hail-Mary of dating-up excuses, but it is also one of the hardest with which to argue. Example:
“Damn, that girl is fine. What’s she doing with that retarded hippopotamus?”
“Bro, you’re an asshole. That guy has EbolasyphillAIDS. He’s already died like three times.”
You’re clearly not otherwise qualified to bask in the magical fairy-glow of hotness that shines forth from your spouse, but somehow you’ve earned it by suffering so hard that even Job says “yikes, that sucks.”

Follow these rules and you might be able to avoid getting hit by a meteor for dating someone that even blind people can tell is better looking than you.

Enjoy pointing out who got the sweeter deal in a relationship? Roll on over to SheWonHeWon.com and vote on hotness to your heart’s content!

Hey there Chicagoans. Go ahead and pause all your Kazaa, Limewire, and BitTorrent downloads for a second. I want the page to load quickly as this is something you’re going to want to read.

If you haven’t heard yet, it’s “illegal” to download music online without “paying” for it. It’s hard to believe, but being a fan isn’t accepted as legal payment anymore. They call it “piracy,” and the consequences for it can be very, very dire. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of other crimes that I suggest you look into before you decide to download “Sweet Child of Mine” or “Poker Face.”

First, let’s look at the fines in the only two music piracy trials that have taken place to date. The first is the case of Jammie Thomas, a single mother of four from Minnesota. She downloaded 24 songs off of Kazaa. A jury of her peers decided that she owed the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) almost $2 million for her crimes, a ruling which the Obama Administration recently told a federal judge was constitutionally sound. The second is the case of Joel Tenenbaum, a young grad student at Boston University. He downloaded 30 songs and was slapped with a fine of $675,000. If the verdicts stand both will file for bankruptcy.

I know. Yikes. I was hoping to commit a crime today, but $2 million? Damn. Don’t worry, my villainous friends. They may have foiled our evil plans to put Metallica out on the street, but there are plenty of other crimes you can commit here in Illinois that won’t get you a punishment even vaguely that severe. Here is a list of 7 ideas to get you started, but first we should make a few rules. Some of these “crimes” have imprisonment as part of their sentence. That being said, I’m going to equate one year of prison with a $50,233 salary which is the median household income as of 2007. I.e. you would have made $50,233 each year you’re in prison were you not becoming intimately acquainted with Wade, your cell mate.

That, of course, doesn’t factor in the cost of “freedom.” I tried to get into contact with Toby Keith to figure out how much freedom is worth in American dollars, but he was busy writing songs about how terrorists can kiss his ass or something.

One final thing to keep in mind here: Obama promised hope and change, and he certainly brought it in the case of piracy and the RIAA. In between stints of walking on water and saving us from ourselves, Barack has appointed five RIAA lawyers to positions in the “justice” department, in addition to upholding the federal limit of $150,000 per instance of piracy.

Here are the sources I’m using for crimes and their penalties:
The Illinois Criminal Code

Charts of Crimes and Penalties:
First one
Second one

Seven Crimes to Consider Before Music Piracy

1. Steal Music? No! Steal a child, preferably from a recording artist.
That’s right, the fine for regular old, Class 4 Felony child abduction is $25,000. It can also include one to three years in prison. So, if you get spanked as hard as possible after ganking a silly named celebrity child, you’ll be down $175,699.

2. Steal the actual CD.
Damn, that new Black Eyed Peas song is infectious, am I right? That chorus is so genius; “boom boom boom,” who thinks of that? I want to steal it. So instead of Kazaa, I’m going to swipe it from Best Buy. Retail theft of less that $150 (which is like, what, 10 CD’s?) is a Class A misdemeanor. The penalty? Up to one year in jail and/or a fine of $2,500. At most you’d be down about $52,500. Definitely manageable. If it exceeds $150 though, you’re in for a Class 3 felony. That bad boy will result in two to five years in prison and/or a $25,000 fine, so you’re risking approximately $275,000. Beats $2 million though, huh?

3. Rob Bryan Adams.
There’s Bryan Adams next door, tooling around on his new John Deere riding lawn mower. That would definitely make mowing the lawn easier huh? Fun, even. Can’t afford one, can you? No problem! Punch him in the face and take it! That’s a Class 2 felony. The penalties come to a meager $376,631, which is a full $298,369 less than even the weakest RIAA judgment.

4. Set Lars Ulrich’s house on fire.
Being a pyro sounds fun. You get to see lots of pretty flames, hear fun explosions, and watch things get destroyed. Plus, doesn’t Metallica have a song about setting shit on fire? They probably do, it’s Metallica. What could go wrong? Not as much as if you decided to pirate music. Arson is another Class 2 felony. ($376,631)

5. Stalk Reba McEntire.
Hang out in her front yard, take pictures of her driving and shopping, send her weirdo letters – you name it, stalking is awesome! And what’s the penalty? It’s just a Class 4 felony! Phew! Just about $175,000 and you’re done.

6. Learn from Michael Vick: Start a Dog Fighting Empire
Dogs are pretty cool, huh? You know what’s cooler than a dog? Dogs killing each other! That will get you a paltry $50,000 fine and one to three years in the pen. What does that amount to? A max of about $200,000! Not too big of a deal when viewed against the dire backdrop of music piracy, huh? Suck it PETA!

7. Murder Someone, Second-Degree style.
Basically all “Second Degree” means is that you were provoked in such a way that it would cause you to have an “intense passion,” i.e. you downloaded a few songs and then you were fined an amount that has more numbers than most of us will ever see in our bank accounts. When that happens, if you sort of go Incredible Hulk and shiv somebody in the kidney, you may be found guilty of Second Degree murder instead of first. Second Degree murder is only a Class 1 felony, rather than a Class X, which stands for X-treme. Class X is like the Mountain Dew of crimes. Anyway, a Class 1 felony can result in a fine of $25,000 and/or 4-15 years in prison. So, according to our numbers, you could POTENTIALLY only lose roughly $225,932. If you have a real bastard of a jury though – kind of like Jammie Thomas did – then you might get the full 15 years, which would amount to $778,495. So that’s worse than Mr. Tenenbaum, but still not even close to Ms. Thomas.

There you have it, my Chicagoan criminal friends. Stick with this list of crimes, and you’ll be able to satiate your devilish desires and still come out hurting less than a music pirate.

“Schnuckums!? Are you listening to me?”

“Uh…” You say, your voice waivering. “Yeah babe, I hear you.”

“Are you ready?” the predator bellows, baiting the prey.

“Ready for what… beautiful?” You reply, hoping that somehow the interrogative will provide you an escape while tossing in the compliment at the end to ease the delivery, like the flavoring those bastards put in NyQuil.

“Don’t even try that crap on me. Get off your ass. We’re going shopping.” The snare tightens around your feet. You’ve been caught. Resistance is now futile.

Now that you’ve been reduced to the status of indentured servant, there are a few things you must remember in order to survive. The full moon that is a monthly sale has turned your once kind, sweet girlfriend into a vicious, bloodthirsty monster. A wereshopper, if you will. Like a lycanthrope, but much more subtle in its preferred murderous methods.  You’re about to venture into a dark, dangerous place. Stick with me, and you’ll be stronger, more courageous, and not single when it’s over. Welcome to the jungle.

Do Not Opine
You are about to be bombarded by lies. She will ask you over and over “what you think” about “this dress” and “these pants” and “that girl’s butt.” She will tell you to “be honest” because she “seriously doesn’t care” and “really wants your input.” She will ask if you are “having fun” or “enjoying this time together” or if you think that shopping is still “excruciatingly painful and torturous.” DO NOT BELIEVE HER. She does not want to know what you really think. These are landmines that she is throwing in front of you, like some kind of horrible Super Mario level. To avoid them you must not under any circumstances give your honest opinion. You must tell her what she wants to hear. To determine what exactly that is, a good general rule is to take your actual opinion, and say exactly the opposite. Examples:

Scenario One: Beauty Contest

Her: Babe, that girl is so fat, right?

Your Actual Thoughts: Nope. She’s pretty hot actually. Do you know her?

What You Should Say Instead: What girl? Oh, that porker over there? Yeah. She’s a giant.

Scenario Two: Fashion Show

Her: Honey, how do these pants look on me?

Your Actual Thoughts: Yikes. Looks like half of your ass is trying to escape suffocation.

What You Should Say Instead: How do they feel?
(Based on her response, choose positive or negative)
Positive: For real, I think they frame your figure pretty well.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If she goes negative, that doesn’t mean you can agree with her. Find a way to agree with her without agreeing with her. Sound like some kind of psychological puzzle? Say hello to the female psyche.
Negative: They don’t look bad to me, but you know European sizes can be pretty weird. Why don’t you try on a few more pairs?

Have fun hanging on the rim comrade, because you just scored a slam dunk.

LET VICTORIA HAVE HER SECRETS
This is a survival tip that came straight from Survivorman Les Stroud himself. Your lady might throw some sort of sexy glance at you and say “hey… wanna help me pick out lingerie?” Sounds like a fun idea, right? You are being tempted by the devil. You might think this is like walking into the Victoria’s Secret Catalog you have stashed underneath your mattress, but you are actually walking into weeks of groveling and having to watch Matthew McConaughey movies. You will not be able to say anything right. See something you like? Here’s how her responses will go:

Her: Of course you like that. All that you think about is sex. You’re a pig.
or
Her: Seriously? That? What am I, a grandmother? You’re a pig.

There is literally no way to win. The best way to win is to stay out. Your feet hurt, you’re hungry, you have to call your mother, you want her to surprise you – it doesn’t matter. Piss your pants if you have to, just don’t go in there. Furthermore, you could gouge your eyes out with golden broaches Oedipus-style prior to walking into the store, but it wouldn’t make a difference. She’d still think you were looking at every other girl’s boobs in there. Not even looking at mannequins is safe. Even if she’s right (and she probably is), she’s bringing you into an woman’s underwear store that is literally wallpapered with scantily clad babes. What the hell does she expect? Unless she thought she was dating a eunuch, she can’t expect you to avert your eyes from every cleavage chasm around you. You can’t put metal next to a magnet and get pissed when it gets pulled in. It’s science.

There you have it my brothers. If any of you have any tips you’d like to add to help your fellow man survive this treacherous landscape, please feel free to add them. Until next time, good luck.

When I moved over here to Apartment 7, I had high hopes for our relationship. My last neighbor and I… We had some disagreements. You see, my last neighbor had two giant, horrible dobermans who loved to greet me every day like two hell hounds screaming for my soul.  In addition to being driven to blind rage by my very presence, they also had a very nasty habit of leaving bear-sized stool next to the section of the fence that bordered my back door. This made my “welcome home” a combination of pant-piss inducing velociraptor roars and upchuck-inspiring Jabba the Hutt dumps. By the time I got inside my house after work, I badly needed a change of pants, some mouthwash, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder counseling.

Then I moved here, to Apartment 7. You’re over there in Apartment 8. On the other side is Apartment 6. I thought to myself, “Man, this is just a cozy, bitchless community, isn’t it?” My eyes shone brightly, then. That light is gone, and let me tell you why. You have a dog, but that’s not the reason.  Don’t get me wrong here, I love dogs. I just think having a dog in an apartment or a small, cramped back yard forces that poor animal to get its jollies off by making me scream expletives and drop food items I just f’ing purchased. That is a crime, but that is not the crime with which we should concern ourselves now. No, the other one is far more confounding.

Let me begin with a little story. One day – a Saturday, I believe – I was sleeping soundly, likely dreaming of frolicking merrily through warm ocean waves with Jennifer Love Hewitt shortly after our wedding, when I started suddenly out of paradise by a chirping noise. I disregarded it and went back to sleep, but not back to Jennifer. I continued to hear the chirping noise at random times and throughout my apartment during the next days, weeks, and months to follow. Therein lies your crime, Neighbor: You have a pet bird.

I have some questions for you, and for that matter, for all bird owners.

Why the hell do you own a pet bird? It sits in a cage on a perch. It eats bird seed. It craps on the floor of the bird cage, which you have to clean. It chirps annoyingly and ruins my relationship with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and likely your dreams of being Captain Hook (who is the only person who could justify bird ownership). If it had a brain larger than the nail on my little finger, it would hate you entirely for keeping it imprisoned. You literally keep a bird in a prison for your amusement. Your apartment is that bird’s GITMO, except without the waterboarding. Or maybe with the waterboarding, who knows what you’re into. At least you can walk your dog. Please, go fly your bird. Really. Try it. Let me know how it goes.

you're going down, bird owner

What made you think buying a bird was a good idea? So you waltz into Petsmart or Exotic Pet Land or wherever the hell morons buy useless pets, and there it is. A bird. In a cage. What was your thought process? “Oh, oh! Look at that bird in that cage! It’s just sitting there, being a bird and chirping erratically. I want to pay to move that bird in that cage to my house, so I can watch it sit there and be a bird always and forever!” None of that makes sense. You can’t even pet a damn bird. They bite, they flap all around trying to fly (because remember, that’s what they’re meant to do!)  and they scratch you with their claws. This pet is entirely useless. No, less than useless – it’s actually detrimental to your quality of life and more importantly, MINE.

Please, Neighbor, in the name of good fences and good neighborly things and Mr. Rogers, set your bird free. Or kill it. Whatever works, I won’t ask questions.

The world is a dark, mean, ugly place. If you ever have any doubts of that, just watch The Hills. It’s a show about beautiful rich people that MTV decided to make famous. Truly, there is no such thing as real justice. And that’s especially true with you, neoliberal kid.  Your heart is bleeding and you plan on drowning all the world’s bad dreams in your justicey lifeforce. I shouldn’t say drowning – that’s violent. You’re just going to talk about it until all the world’s problems get irritated and leave. That’s more fitting. While the rest of us simply accept/ignore the darker things in life, you wear them around your neck like a big, heavy, depressing necklace. But perhaps sometimes you’re not sure about how you direct the blood that is inevitably gushing out of your heart. Don’t cry. I’m here to help.

Step One: Wear the Correct Name Tag
Are you a neoliberal or a social democrat? Or are you just a democrat? Or are you a socialist? I’d avoid calling yourself just a “democrat”; that just makes you sound like an old timer. You’re more conscious than that. Your democracy needs an adjective. And you probably shouldn’t say “socialist” either. Sarah Palin would likely show up at your house and call all your friends terrorists. It really doesn’t matter which one of the other two you choose, though. They both sound cutting edge.

Neoliberal - “neo” means new or at least it sounds like it does, and that’s better than old (more of the McSame) and “liberal” sounds trendy (LiLo is probably a liberal, don’t you want to be like her? I know for a fact Kent does).

Social Democrat – “Social” is better than anti-social (means you care about people and you’re probably killer at beer pong) and “democrat” is TOTALLY in right now (did you Barack the vote? Of course you did).

Step Two: Never, Ever See the Bright Side
This applies when talking about any social or political issue, but you can always take it to the next level and warm every subject under your quilt of negativity. Here are some examples:

Ignorant Asshole: Hey, did you know that the United States is the most charitable nation in the world?
Righteous Informer: Yeah, well we also invaded Iraq because the Bush administration loves war and oil. Murderer!

Ignorant Asshole: Hey, I heard about this organization that’s doing some good work fighting AIDS in Sudan.
Righteous Informer: Yeah, well what are they doing about AIDS in Rwanda? Just leaving those Rwandans in the crapper huh? Not African enough for you? Racist!

Ignorant Asshole: Hey, I got a puppy today!
Righteous Informer: Yeah, well it was probably born in an inhumane puppy mill that you just kept in business with your purchase. Puppy killer!

Do whatever you can to turn a situation from positive to negative. No matter what it is, your job is to remind us all that the world sucks, it hurts your soul, and somehow you talking about it constantly is going to change things.

Step Three: Unpatriotic Patriotism:
This one sounds somewhat complicated, but it’s actually rather simple. You just have to constantly contradict yourself. Whenever you talk about your home nation (which will inevitably be the ‘ol bastard U.S. of A.) you have to love it, but hate it. And certainly not in that particular order. These are some key phrases and bywords that you simply won’t be able to live without:

Empire: You cannot refer to the United States by its name or as a “nation.” It is an empire. Any international decision made has no motivation other than expanding the empire. Why did we invade Iraq? Certainly not to depose a violent, murderous dictator. No, no. It was to acquire more oil for our empire. That is a very simple way to make the country sound ominous and evil without saying that outright.

“They”: This may seem like a rather innocuous plural pronoun, but it absolutely is not. You see, friend, it is they who tell us what we should think. It is they who tell us the difference between right and wrong. It is they who pacify us through various forms of media like FoxNews and CNN. They want us to believe that we know the truth. But we don’t, and they make sure of that. Tracking with me? They hope not.

Poor/Oppressed/Marginalized: These words represent your cause. Maybe you spent a couple weekends volunteering in an inner city homeless shelter. Maybe you spent some time abroad. Maybe you were really moved by one of those commercials with the old bearded guy that hangs out with really sad looking children and begs for money. Whatever – all that matters now is that these people are your cause. Always bring them up and always be on the defensive. Any jokes someone might make about almost anything (except white people) are insensitive and inappropriate and it is your job to let them know that. When someone asks what you know about being poor, oppressed, or marginalized, quickly change the subject to global warming.

And Finally, Some Quick Tips:
These are a few quick absolutes for having a heart that bleeds love and unity for all mankind.
1.) Drive a hybrid. If you don’t drive a hybrid, you’re an earth hating fake and everyone will know it. It will inevitably be more than $25,000, but that’s okay because your parents paid for it and that’s like, less than 1% of their yearly income anyway. And it helps the environment.
2.) DO NOT VOTE. I don’t care what the election is or who is running, you must not vote. When someone asks who you voted for, this should be your response: “Who did I vote for? Pffft, no one, obviously. You think your vote means anything? Hah… Peasant.” (Note: Barack Obama is the exception to this rule. He’s going to change everything through hope. Believe it.)
3.) Everything you do must represent an issue for which you stand. You drink organic coffee from a local coffee shop, you wear “recycled” clothes that you either made yourself or bought from Goodwill, and you listen to “native” music that no one has heard of, most likely because it totally sucks.
4.) You should probably smoke weed, but I’m not sure why. It’s just part of the package.

That’s it, kiddies. Follow this guide and you’ll be on your way to wearing a pair of Toms and having stinky dreadlocks in no time. Come back next week for yet another guide to something else.