I digress. The point is, I’ve been busy. The content on the site has been mostly driven by Kent and hilarious contributors. I receive a loud voicemail every other day from Kent that is almost entirely comprised of vulgarities and racial epithets that don’t apply to me. I’m sorry buddy, but you just can’t coerce hilarity out of someone. It has to come from inspiration.

And well, I found some inspiration the other day. The following is my commentary on a list from a website called “The Frisky” about what you should teach your sons about women. What kind of website has that kind of ridiculous name? Good question. It’s a site by women, for women. Anytime a woman writes something about how men work, what men think, or generally anything about men, you can almost guarantee that it’s completely wrong. This list is a decent example of that, although I do agree with some of what it says. The rest of it… well… You’ll see. Here it is. The list itself will be in bold, my comments will be in italics. Bon Appetit, gluttons.

1. Pick your battles.

Right on. Some stuff just isn’t worth the blood and violence. Like with Iraq, you know? After we got into the thick of it we realized, “hey, this might have been better to avoid.” Love is like that. Love is like Iraq. Yeah, that’s it. Remember that, all you single kids. Love is like Iraq.

2. Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion.

Also a good point. Although I’m not sure that the ladies over at The Frisky know the origins of that rule – it started back in the day when roads weren’t paved. The man walked on the outside in case there was mud or water in the crappy streets. If there was a splash from a passing horse or cart, he’d take the brunt of it. See that? TTM just educated you. You’re officially not wasting your time.

3. Saying “You’re being crazy” is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you.

Hmmm… I mean, I get what she’s saying here. That’s probably not a productive thing to say in an argument, but essentially point #3 says that calling a woman crazy makes her crazy… which in effect proves the statement correct, doesn’t it? And going “postal” usually refers to really violent actions, i.e. a disgruntled postal worker shooting a bunch of people. So what you’re saying, Friksy (which coincidentally was also the name of my first dog, RIP) is that calling a woman crazy will turn her into a murdering psychotic.

4. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women.

True, true, maybe. Maybe it’s just me, but when my Dad would take care of us while my Mom was sick or out of town, it was a drastically different experience involving lots of microwaved food and diapers made out of newspaper.

5. Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for her to raid.

True. Chocolate is like catnip for women.

6. Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn’t embarrass you –everyone knows they’re not for you.

Pshhh! How do they know they’re not for me?! I’m not buying that crap, like I’m gay or something. Chhh. Dumb chicks. (Seriously though, dudes don’t like doing this because it’s kind of weird and gross, not because they’re afraid people will think they’re bleeding out of their vagina.)

7. Women like compliments and gifts.

Men like beer and nudity. And compliments and gifts.

8. Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating.

Earning less than him shouldn’t activate the inferiority complex that your loveless father ingrained in you as a child.

9. Be on time, even if she usually isn’t.

That way you can make her feel really guilty about always being late and use it as a tool to manipulate her! Brilliant, Frisky!

10. Don’t be a pouty puppy when shopping with her.

Don’t make him go shopping with you if you don’t want to deal with him inevitably hating it. Studies have shown, actually, that women enjoy shopping because for them it’s a sensory experience – they enjoy the colors and textures of the items, making the experience very stimulating for them.  Mens’ brains, however, aren’t wired to appreciate the same stimuli. Suck it, Frisky.

11. Find out what her favorite flower is.

Conceded. Good point. Otherwise you’d never have a good card to pull out when you screw something up.

12. If you like her, then don’t buy her shoes; it’s bad luck.

Sounds like someone is inserting a little bit of their own personal narrative into this guide. I feel like some dude’s name should be italicized at the end of that statement.

13. Smiling and nodding aren’t the same as listening.

Thought vomiting isn’t the same as talking.

14. It’s OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum.

Wow. “Be vulnerable, but only to the extent of novelty. Any real vulnerability isn’t welcome.” Someone is a little dysfunctional.

15. Personality goes a long way.

Trying to justify your ugly boyfriend, huh?

16. At some point she’ll be more important than your mother.

Unless your name is Oedipus! BAM!

17. You will never completely understand women.

That’s because they’re crazy. Oh, no! Please don’t shoot me!

18. Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby!

I don’t even know what the hell this is about. Freud? Where are you?

So I was at the post office the other day, mailing something to my special lady friend. It’s long distance so you really have to send letters and what not to keep points on the scoreboard, so to speak. I had tried FedEx and UPS, but their prices were astronomical – $60 bucks when USPS was $10 – $20.

There I was, putting some stuff in a box and filling out all the appropriate forms, when some girl came in to ship something. It was only the two of us there at the Post Office, so I could easily hear her conversation with the USPS employee. The girl was trying to pay for her purchase with a credit card that said “See I.D.” where the signature bar is on the back. The USPS employee was not down with that. You see, their policy is that you have to sign your cards. “You can sign your card right now, but we won’t take it if it’s not signed,” the employee told the young lady – the damsel in distress, you might say.

Logic isn't in their policy.

“I work at a bank,” the girl protested. “We tell all of our customers to write ‘See I.D’ on the back of their cards because it’s more secure. Your I.D. has your signature and your picture on it. It helps protect against theft.”

“Hard to argue against that logic,” I affirmed her silently in my mind. This was, after all, the same policy that I myself practiced.

“Our policy says that you have to sign the card,” the employee persisted.

“But you can just see my I.D.” the girl continued in futility.

“Ma’am you can either sign the card now or pay with cash,” repeated the error message, reminiscent of the infuriating experiences we’ve all had with some type of electronics that malfunction despite all forms of reason. The customer yielded, her white flag waving as she handed over the cash for her purchase. Her head hung low as she marched out of the building, defeated.

“Not me,” I thought rebelliously. “You’re gonna see my I.D., and you’re gonna like it.“ I walked over to the counter, my chest inflated with an air of defiance. Having rung up the costs of shipping my blindingly romantic, swoon-inducing package, the employee asked for my payment. I offered up a credit card that pleaded for the merchant to ask for my I.D.

“We don’t take cards that aren’t signed,” the employee spouted like a recording as she pointed to the little sign with their policy printed on it, the section regarding I.D. highlighted.

“My Father works at a bank. Putting ‘See I.D.’ is more secure,” I said. True story, my Dad really does work for a bank.

“Do you want to talk to the post master?” the employee said, appealing to their ultimate authority. “Finally” I thought, “I can speak to someone with a mind.”

I was wrong.

A bald man in his 50′s or 60′s puttered out from “the back room” where the dark alchemies of postal service are performed and came up to the counter to speak with me. “Is there a problem?” he said.

“Yes. I am trying to pay with my credit card. It is unsigned, but it says ‘See I.D.’ on it. This is actually more secure than signing it, because if someone steals my credit card then they would need my I.D. as well. Then, were they daring enough to offer up both the purloined card and the I.D., you’d be able to quickly tell that you were observing a fraud because their face would not be my face.” Triumph filled the air, echoing off of the walls with my flawless words. My tone was clear and stern, but peaceful. I did not yell or scream like an undersexed suburban mother, protesting the end of a sale at Kohl’s. No, I just presented truth calmly and succinctly. I had changed the world in a small way, for the better.

“Our policy says that the card has to be signed or we can’t accept it,” the man said nasally, extinguishing the fireworks of victory.

“But didn’t you hear what I just said? That’s not secure.”

“Well if they steal your wallet they would have your I.D. anyway,” he said, making that face that people sometimes make when they feel threatened, as if they are clenching their ass cheeks in anticipation of a punch to the face.

“Right, they would. But they wouldn’t have stolen my face too, would they? Unless we’re dealing with an Eddie Gein character, in which case I would suppose credit card theft is the least of our worries.”

“It’s our policy. Our national policy.”

“Understood, and I’ll pay with cash. But maybe you could use your Postmaster powers – great as I assume they are – to affect a positive change in the system?”

“I have. This is our policy.” He said, still standing with a slight lean backwards, ready to flee.

“Okay then.” I said. I left the Post Office, my faith in humanity and customer service shat upon once again by reality.

I then began thinking, as thinkers like myself tend to do. What if this were health care? While I agree that the American health care system works just as well as punching yourself in the face does for relieving headaches, do I want to have this experience every time I need to get some kind of medical work taken care of? The talk of death panels is sensationalistic crap, the talk of communism/fascism is bloated rhetoric, but I can’t ignore the experience I just had with a business that is operated by the government. It is so mired down in bureaucracy that the idea of “customer service” is as present as the days when MTV actually had music on it. It’s a vague memory and a happy one, but the present is such a stark contrast that the pictures in the photo album are faded beyond recognition. These Post Office employees literally have no motivation or incentive for being flexible for a customer. What the hell do they care? There’s still going to be a Post Office tomorrow whether I continue to patronize their establishment or not. They have their mouths firmly attached to the government’s bountiful teat, why on Earth would they choose to “go the extra mile” to have “service with a smile”? The customer may always be right, but they don’t give a damn about what’s right. If “right” isn’t in their policies, then “right” means nothing to them.

Are my fears well founded? Or am I just being a pessimist? I ask you the question that Third Eye Blind once asked all of us: How’s it gonna be?

Kent decided that he should make a foray into a different “art,” as he called it – the XTreme Roller Derby. Much like Michael Jordan’s short time with the Chicago White Sox, Kent broke both his legs and was incontinent for a month after his first race. He took a swipe at Donny “The DamageEater” Dean during the first 30 seconds, and quickly tasted the bitter soup of retribution. He walks with a limp, and I heard he still has trouble “standing up straight,” if you get my drift.

While Kent was experimenting with the “Raucous Rolling Righteous Reapers” (everyone had an idea for the name, no one could say no) I was embarking on a perilous journey of self-discovery all of my own.  I decided that what my life needed was a challenge. Challenge, I thought, looked like alligator wrestling in rural Louisiana. I took what was left of the fortune that we made when The Oxygen Network purchased our website (assumedly to remove two more chauvinist voices from the internet) and spent it on “Licky Lemmy’s Gator Trap.”

Don’t ask about Lemmy’s nickname. You don’t want to know.

Two days, half an ass cheek, and a vicious case of what the locals call “gator burn” on three quarters of my body later, I sold the Gator Trap to a drifter for $62. The bills were all wrinkled and stinky, but I was able to use them to purchase an inflatable do-nut to sit on, some aloe, and a bus ticket to Chicago.

I arrived just as Kent was rolling out of the hospital with two broken legs and barely enough pride to conceal the fact that he had to wear adult diapers for the next four weeks. We hobbled back to our downtown penthouse apartment only to find that our Swedish model girlfriends had robbed us blind, leaving only the eviction notice on our door.

Fast forward through the rehab/counseling/plastic surgery montage, and here we are. September of Two Thousand and Nine. We’re not rich anymore, nor are we famous, but we still have our pride.

And pride, friends, is what we’re here to talk about today. You see, although Kent still occasionally pees in his pants and I look like the leaning tower of Pisa when I sit down, we’re not completely devoid of self-respect. That sense of dignity is the reason why we’ve enacted a new policy here on TTM. A policy that, I think you’ll agree, is the beginning of an internet revolution.

You’ve heard of “assholes,” right? I’m sure you have. Well, we’ve had a few of those pop in here to the site and post some unhappy comments on our articles, defaming our content, our talent, and dare I say our very humanity. Distressed and having flashbacks of being straddled by an alligator named “Scoopy,” I called TTM’s Board of Directors for a meeting.

A Snapshot of our Board of Directors

There Kent and I sat, thinking. What do we do about these jerks? Do we let them crap on us on our own site? Do we delete their comments outright like the thought police? Do we respond angrily to every one like I did on that Michael Bay article I wrote?

We couldn’t decide. Then, after a few slurpees and a late night run to White Castle (which ended poorly, aside from this epiphany) our minds melded and birthed out the best idea we’ve had since buying new social security numbers on the black market to avoid bankruptcy and jailtime for extortion (long story involving that Jewish guy from The Lonely Island) – we’ll just change their names to something insulting! You see, we have that kind of editorial power here. After all, we did pay for this website (in friendship and gratitude, thanks Isaac!) and we do have complete dictatorial power over it, so why shouldn’t we exert that power when some doucher thinks he’s boss enough to come tell us how it is? We’ll tell you how it isn’t, sir. And how it isn’t, is how you said it is. Or how you said it is, it isn’t that way. Whatever, you’re an Ass Goblin and now that’s what it says your name is. Suck it.

So if you’re tempted to post a mean thing on any of our articles, whether they were written by us or by a guest, we’re going to make it seem like you named yourself Butt Sniffer because you deserve it. This isn’t a democracy. This is a Theo-merican Republic where Kent and I have eternal reign. Does that make sense? On TTM it does, because we say so.

If you’re going to be a dick, you forfeit your rights to be treated with respect. It’s that simple, Mr. I Love Eating Poop.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to make my appointment for restorative ass surgery. Good day.

Hey there Chicagoans. Go ahead and pause all your Kazaa, Limewire, and BitTorrent downloads for a second. I want the page to load quickly as this is something you’re going to want to read.

If you haven’t heard yet, it’s “illegal” to download music online without “paying” for it. It’s hard to believe, but being a fan isn’t accepted as legal payment anymore. They call it “piracy,” and the consequences for it can be very, very dire. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of other crimes that I suggest you look into before you decide to download “Sweet Child of Mine” or “Poker Face.”

First, let’s look at the fines in the only two music piracy trials that have taken place to date. The first is the case of Jammie Thomas, a single mother of four from Minnesota. She downloaded 24 songs off of Kazaa. A jury of her peers decided that she owed the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) almost $2 million for her crimes, a ruling which the Obama Administration recently told a federal judge was constitutionally sound. The second is the case of Joel Tenenbaum, a young grad student at Boston University. He downloaded 30 songs and was slapped with a fine of $675,000. If the verdicts stand both will file for bankruptcy.

I know. Yikes. I was hoping to commit a crime today, but $2 million? Damn. Don’t worry, my villainous friends. They may have foiled our evil plans to put Metallica out on the street, but there are plenty of other crimes you can commit here in Illinois that won’t get you a punishment even vaguely that severe. Here is a list of 7 ideas to get you started, but first we should make a few rules. Some of these “crimes” have imprisonment as part of their sentence. That being said, I’m going to equate one year of prison with a $50,233 salary which is the median household income as of 2007. I.e. you would have made $50,233 each year you’re in prison were you not becoming intimately acquainted with Wade, your cell mate.

That, of course, doesn’t factor in the cost of “freedom.” I tried to get into contact with Toby Keith to figure out how much freedom is worth in American dollars, but he was busy writing songs about how terrorists can kiss his ass or something.

One final thing to keep in mind here: Obama promised hope and change, and he certainly brought it in the case of piracy and the RIAA. In between stints of walking on water and saving us from ourselves, Barack has appointed five RIAA lawyers to positions in the “justice” department, in addition to upholding the federal limit of $150,000 per instance of piracy.

Here are the sources I’m using for crimes and their penalties:
The Illinois Criminal Code

Charts of Crimes and Penalties:
First one
Second one

Seven Crimes to Consider Before Music Piracy

1. Steal Music? No! Steal a child, preferably from a recording artist.
That’s right, the fine for regular old, Class 4 Felony child abduction is $25,000. It can also include one to three years in prison. So, if you get spanked as hard as possible after ganking a silly named celebrity child, you’ll be down $175,699.

2. Steal the actual CD.
Damn, that new Black Eyed Peas song is infectious, am I right? That chorus is so genius; “boom boom boom,” who thinks of that? I want to steal it. So instead of Kazaa, I’m going to swipe it from Best Buy. Retail theft of less that $150 (which is like, what, 10 CD’s?) is a Class A misdemeanor. The penalty? Up to one year in jail and/or a fine of $2,500. At most you’d be down about $52,500. Definitely manageable. If it exceeds $150 though, you’re in for a Class 3 felony. That bad boy will result in two to five years in prison and/or a $25,000 fine, so you’re risking approximately $275,000. Beats $2 million though, huh?

3. Rob Bryan Adams.
There’s Bryan Adams next door, tooling around on his new John Deere riding lawn mower. That would definitely make mowing the lawn easier huh? Fun, even. Can’t afford one, can you? No problem! Punch him in the face and take it! That’s a Class 2 felony. The penalties come to a meager $376,631, which is a full $298,369 less than even the weakest RIAA judgment.

4. Set Lars Ulrich’s house on fire.
Being a pyro sounds fun. You get to see lots of pretty flames, hear fun explosions, and watch things get destroyed. Plus, doesn’t Metallica have a song about setting shit on fire? They probably do, it’s Metallica. What could go wrong? Not as much as if you decided to pirate music. Arson is another Class 2 felony. ($376,631)

5. Stalk Reba McEntire.
Hang out in her front yard, take pictures of her driving and shopping, send her weirdo letters – you name it, stalking is awesome! And what’s the penalty? It’s just a Class 4 felony! Phew! Just about $175,000 and you’re done.

6. Learn from Michael Vick: Start a Dog Fighting Empire
Dogs are pretty cool, huh? You know what’s cooler than a dog? Dogs killing each other! That will get you a paltry $50,000 fine and one to three years in the pen. What does that amount to? A max of about $200,000! Not too big of a deal when viewed against the dire backdrop of music piracy, huh? Suck it PETA!

7. Murder Someone, Second-Degree style.
Basically all “Second Degree” means is that you were provoked in such a way that it would cause you to have an “intense passion,” i.e. you downloaded a few songs and then you were fined an amount that has more numbers than most of us will ever see in our bank accounts. When that happens, if you sort of go Incredible Hulk and shiv somebody in the kidney, you may be found guilty of Second Degree murder instead of first. Second Degree murder is only a Class 1 felony, rather than a Class X, which stands for X-treme. Class X is like the Mountain Dew of crimes. Anyway, a Class 1 felony can result in a fine of $25,000 and/or 4-15 years in prison. So, according to our numbers, you could POTENTIALLY only lose roughly $225,932. If you have a real bastard of a jury though – kind of like Jammie Thomas did – then you might get the full 15 years, which would amount to $778,495. So that’s worse than Mr. Tenenbaum, but still not even close to Ms. Thomas.

There you have it, my Chicagoan criminal friends. Stick with this list of crimes, and you’ll be able to satiate your devilish desires and still come out hurting less than a music pirate.

Where Would Jesus Shop?

Here’s the problem I have with this whole “organic” movement: most of it is a total crock. Is it more nutritious? Depends on who you’re asking. If you ask the organic organizations, they’ll say “hell yes, buy organic or die,” and then they’ll hand you a pitchfork and a torch and point you in the direction of the dark castle, lightning stricken castle where they produce non-organic foods. If you ask unbiased researchers such as the Brits who recently published a study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, they’ll say “there is no evidence of a difference” between organics and non-organics when it comes to nutrients. Unlike your American Spirit cigarettes, which are like, totally more health-green-eco-peace-socio-orphan-conscious than Camels. Except they’re owned by RJ Reynolds who – damn! – owns Camel.

On top of that, Whole Foods douchers always tout the “local farmer” bit as their reason for buying organic, as if by going to an international supermarket chain to buy “local” they are somehow succeeding at screwing “the man.” Falso again, Bon Iver fan. There are a lot of small organic farmers, but they make up a very small percentage of the organic food that is actually produced. Most organic brands are owned by the same massive companies that produce all the other non-street-cred food that you can buy at less chic grocers like Jewel or H.E.B. Don’t worry, you can still cling to your Wes Anderson films if you no longer have “local farmer” brownie points to look down on people with.

Then we have my favorite: the “man-made chemicals” argument. “I just don’t want to be eating food that’s got all those man-made chemicals in there. You know, all those pesticides and chemically things that hurt you.” This is, unfortunately, just a bunch of rhetorical manipulation.

First of all, the phrase “man-made chemicals” is total crap. You know what else is a man-made chemical? You may have heard of doctors refer to it before. It’s called medicine. Unless you’re a hippy-herb lover, you use man-made chemicals to kick the hell out of your cold, flu, or impotence whenever you see fit.

Second of all, although studies have found that organics have less pesticide residues than non-organics, they’ve also found that those residues can be removed by washing the products before you use them. You should do that anyway, idiots! Everybody picks up the fruit and vegetables and examines them before they purchase them. You see that hairy, sweaty looking dude over by the apples? The one that is coughing into his hands and wiping his nose with his index finger? Did he just openly scratch his pubic place in a public place? He sure did. Yeah, he’s fondling every single Granny Smith in that pile before he buys one. Forget about pesticides. Do you want that on your produce? On top of that, the National Research Council has said that the amounts of pesticides found on foods is negligible and is not a cancer risk.

But those Whole Foodsers will be damned before they ingest any other chemicals made with Dr. Frankenstein-style alchemy. The lightening. The crazy hair. The maniacal laughter. According to organic enthusiasts, conventional farming uses the same processes to farm as he did to create a monster. Also, have you heard of the F.D.A.? It’s this little government organization that exists solely to make sure that the stuff that businesses sell to us won’t kill us. Does anyone really think that the F.D.A. would sit by and chillax while “conventional” farming methods were force feeding us carcinogens? Give me a break. The government loves crap like that, especially because it means that the government gets cash money in the form of massive fines. Watch the news for five minutes. The government loves taking and spending money more than even the shallowest of trophy suburban wives. The only defense any organic types have against that argument is some sort of conspiracy theory involving government employyes getting pay-offs from big businesses… Which happen to be the same businesses that sell organic foods that you find in national chain supermarkets.

Finally, the argument is always raised about “getting back to our roots” of local, natural farming. I understand that and I’m a proponent of local businesses, but this argument is also a load of crap. As mentioned before, the organic industry is just that – an industry. It’s massive and it is not encouraging local business growth. In addition, the life expectancy of people in the United States has increased over the past 50 years, not decreased. You’d think that if we were ingesting all of these awful, Satanic pesticides, that number would have gone down. Guess what? Those pesticides are used to kill things that hurt us. You know, like fungus and E. Coli.

Really, the “organic” movement is just another marketing ploy that is manipulating people into handing more money to factory farms. It utilizes the same fear-mongering tactics that are used to coerce people into doing all kinds of stupid things. The benefits – if they actually exist – are nil. What we should all focus on is eating a balanced, healthy diet instead of checking every label to make sure that we won’t feel shame when our thick-rimmed glasses touting, skinny-jeans wearing hipster friends come over for dinner. For that, our government actually has a useful tool (for once) that can help you organize a proper diet.

That, loyal TTM readers, is what I’ve been telling people for the past two weeks. The whole world has been in mourning, and I have been loving it. Did you see all those prisoners in the Philippines that did the Thriller jig? That little diddy got more news coverage than the tsunami I used to destroy Australia. JK I didn’t do that, but for real it was a great decoy. We tried doing something like that here in hell to celebrate, but tormented souls don’t dance so well when they’re on fire and are being reminded of all of their worst nightmares at the same time. I know. Lame.

Anyway, even the Iranians stopped protesting their most recent election to mourn the loss of MJ. I’m sure they’re happy that they aren’t so distracted by all those stupid shows about “revolution” and “injustice” that were always on so that they could catch all the beautiful specials that have been on CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, Telemundo, CNBC, MSNBC, FOX, FOXNews, E!, and Lifetime. It’s just like I said to them, “Hey guys, look over there!” and when they turned to see what it was that I was pointing at, I destroyed any sign of democracy in their nation and any hope of change. And they didn’t even care! It was like I was a fat kid in a candy store, or a pedophile at the Harry Potter premiere. I was in absolute hell! Oh, that’s good for me, by the way.

The saddest part about it all is that now Michael Jackson is truly dead. The funeral is over, taxpayers are paying for it, (boo-yah! Count that one more point for me, sluts!) and the world is once again concerned with “real news.” I can no longer go around tormenting humans without anyone caring because everyone is too busy forgetting about that time MJ settled out of court for $25 million for not molesting a child. Do you know how many old ladies got hit by cars because the driver was busy watching Sparkle Jackson (or whatever her name is) cry on their iPhone? Let me tell you the number was higher than usual, just like I was higher than usual on PCP. And by PCP I mean on pain and suffering, I don’t do drugs. You should totally check them out though, they’re like candy in pill form.

I rained out over 500 weddings, I cursed the Chicago Cubs (again), I provided giant zits for hundreds of first dates, and you know that worthless idiot two cubicles over that plays Facebook Scrabble all day long and absolutely loves Puddle of Mudd? Yeah, he got a promotion. I was spilling hot coffee on so many brand new shirts and blouses that it became a habit. There are some upset demons with stained J. Crew shirts down in hell, let me tell you.

But that’s all over now. For two weeks I was running around the world with impunity.  It was like I had just gotten one of the lightning bolts in Mario Cart and everyone else was slow and tiny.  Now I’m just plain old Yoshi again. I mean I guess it’s cool how some people in the world are still sad. Naturally, I dig that kind of thing. And I guess it’s good that Latoya, Janet, and Jermaine Jackson are all back in the spotlight again. They do such good work. I guess I’ll go back to subversively scaring children as “The Boogie Man” or “Eddie Murphy” again. Oh well…

First we have a little news article submitted to me by our webmaster Isaac the Conqueror:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8081829.stm

It’s about two gay penguins that raise an adopted egg. No, this isn’t a nightmare from a conservative children’s book writer. Apparently it’s news from some German zoo. I’m not sure if anyone in the world really gives a damn about the fact that this is happening or has happened, but if they do I have a couple ideas of some potential perspectives that might arise on the issue.

The Raging “Conservative” Fundamentalists: Well this is just proof of how liberal Europe has become. Even their animals are gay. AND they let their GAY animals adopt babies! Europe has gone to hell!

The Raging “Liberal” GLBTs: See? See? Even penguins are gay and raise babies. Everyone likes penguins. Didn’t you see Happy Feet? Carrie Perjean, will you validate our lifestyle now?

Here’s the problem with both perspectives: they’re f’ing penguins. Who gives a crap whether or not they’re gay or raise babies as gays or whatever? They’re PENGUINS. BIRDS. They have minuscule brains. They’re not even closely related to us evolutionarily, if at all. At most this is some retarded news at which people should giggle or coo or grimace and forget immediately. This neither proves nor disproves anything. We already know gay people exist and that gay people can and will raise adopted babies, probably with the same successes and failures as heterosexual households. So who cares about penguins that do it? The only reason to report on it is to say “Look! Them too!” It’s pointless. These light-in-the-feet penguins aren’t going to raise a gayguin. (Did that work? That combination? I hope it did.) Anyway, like I said, I’m not sure if anyone commented on this “news” like I predicted. But honestly, would you be surprised?

Moving on. TWITTER. You’ve heard of it, right? The Talking Mirror has too. I run it because Kent breaks most things technological and because I’m a control freak. So anyway, TTM is following Carrie Prejean.

Because of the above video clip, Prejean has become somewhat of a spokeswoman for the anti-gay-marriage movement in addition to being a kind of Evangelical “icon,” if you will. One day I was just hanging out, being unemployed and screwing around on twitter when Prejean told her twitter followers that she had time to take some questions. I decided I’d see if I could get some substance out of the bodacious blond. I didn’t ask anything funny. Yeah, I can be serious. Seriously.

Here’s the transcript of TTM’s Official First Interview with Carrie Prejean.

TalkingMirror@CarriePrejeanCA Why are you a Christian?

CarriePrejeanCA@TalkingMirror I am a christian because God has changed my life in so many amazing ways. I trust and belive [sic] in him.

CarriePrejeanCA@TalkingMirror He gets me through the day!

TalkingMirror@CarriePrejeanCA How often do you read your Bible?

CarriePrejeanCA@TalkingMirror Everyday! I love the Bible!! It helps me know what to do and what decisons [sic] to make!

TalkingMirror@CarriePrejeanCA How do you deal with the responsibility of representing your faith to a very scrutinizing world?

CarriePrejeanCA@TalkingMirror I jus [sic] try to keep my head held high!

Clearly, as you can see from her answers, Prejean is in love with TTM and we’re now “going steady.” Don’t be shy Carrie-poo. I know you love us like we love you and your boo– er– super profound intellect. Right.

I also wanted ton include a link to a PDF of a serious article by Onion writer and one time TTM contributer Kurt Luchs. It’s not funny, but it’s very good. It’s short and worth the read:

http://www.ganderpress.com/spring2009/names/luchs.pdf

And, finally:

Some News in Review 06/05/09 Neti Pot from Conor McCarthy on Vimeo.

Absolutely not.

I’m going to talk about a few news pieces by “lefties” and “lib’rals,” but let’s get one thing straight at the start: the right wing is not without sin. Bill O’Reilly is just as guilty of being a biased, idiotic, horrible “news” person as Keith Olbermann. Neither of them are interested in real intellectual discussions of the issues, they are both simply interested in hearing their opinions regurgitated by “authorities” that they bring on the show, who are almost never any kind of authority on anything. FoxNews deserves just as much criticism as the left networks. They’re doing a dumbass job of communicating and representing “conservatism.” Fortunately, there are plenty of people out there keeping a very watchful eye on FoxNews to make sure that they don’t get away with anything. Watch any comedian, fake news show, or news show on any other network and you will see FoxNews verbally tarred and feathered over and over again, often for damn good reasons. Get it together FoxNews. You’re making the intellectual, educated conservatives look like stupidasses. I’m tired of it.

Just a disclaimer: I am going to be mentioning some sexual language that you might find kind of offensive or at least gross. Sorry. Let it be known that it wasn’t my idea, I’m just covering what was on prime time news. This isn’t something from The Daily Show, this is Anderson Cooper, Rachel Maddow, and Keith Olbermann, et al. These are supposedly “respectable” news anchors. Let’s get right down to it.

You may have heard about “Taxpayer Tea Parties” that happened on April 15th, tax day. These were protests across the nation where people gathered to decry the recent actions of the federal government: bailouts which equal massive, massive federal spending. They were sort of fomented by an outburst from Rick Santelli on CNBC regarding government spending. Not really a controversial subject to be pissed about. These weren’t anti-gay marriage protests. Just some people getting together and loving their own money.

Granted, a lot of people said some stupidass, extreme things – comparing Obama to Hitler, etc etc. You name the stupid thing that someone could say to ruin a potentially positive conservative rally, and some idiot put it on a poster for some other idiot to photograph and put on national TV. Thanks, guy. Appreciate you implying that Obama is working for Osama Bin Laden. Really using a lot of good information and logic there, you know, the whole “their names rhyme so they must be in cahoots” thing. Way to help the conservative image. You’re going to have morons in any group, it’s just statistics.

And it’s not like you didn’t see really retarded things coming from the left either, did you? We’ve seen both sides using the same sensationalistic, dumbass rhetoric to attack people that think differently. I don’t give a damn what you think about Bush or Obama, neither of them is even close to Adolf freaking Hitler. You can’t make that argument. Stop it.

So anyway, people protesting taxes, some stupid but most probably honest Americans who really aren’t happy with what the government is doing. They’re protesting a federalist government – that is to say, a government with a large federal presence. This is supremely ironic, since the Democratic party actually has its roots in anti-federalism, citing this wikipedia article:

“The party arose from opposition to the policies of the ruling Federalist Party, which was dominated by [Alexander] Hamilton and advocated a strong central government, a loose interpretation of the Constitution, and a republic governed by a well-educated professional class.”

There you have it. Today’s Democrats have literally turned into what their party was started to oppose. And that’s what these “Taxpayer Tea Party” protesters were/are against: a large federal government whose hand is in everything, spending its citizens’ money in ways they feel are irresponsible and unconstitutional. This is a government that they feel is acting unjustly. They are not protesting taxes as a principle (sorry, John Stewart – see video later) but rather the extreme level of bailouts and subsequent taxes that both the Obama Administration and the Bush Administration embraced. These are people that believe in the free market and the private sector, hence their desire to let bad businesses fail. It’s a free market. If your business sucks, it’s going down. Too damn bad. Whether or not free market capitalism at its truest form is ever going to be possible in our society is up for debate, I’m just saying that this is – from what I can tell – what is at the core of these “Taxpayer Tea Party” protests. Doesn’t seem horrible, right? Enter the liberal commentators.

This all started because some of the “Taxpayer Tea Party” protesters were mailing tea bags to congress in the days before April 15th. Some of them – not all, this was not the overarching language of the movement which you can see here on this website - referred to this as “teabagging” congress or “teabagging” Washington. And therein lies the problem, ladies and gentlemen. You see, teabagging is… well… it’s… I guess I should ask Urbandictionary.com to help me out here:

Teabagging: v. To lower one’s scrotum into another’s mouth.

Yeah. Bad idea, conservative guy who used that verbiage. “Teabagging” wasn’t the slogan of the movement, though. They weren’t referring to themselves as “teabaggers.” They were protesters. You wouldn’t know that, though, from people like Rachel Maddow:

Sweet Holy Moses. Damn Rachel Maddow. I might have respected you at one point, despite the fact that I disagree with you on almost everything except that we both prefer boobs to bros, but not after you just made more teabagging jokes than I ever made in college. And I’ll confess to you – I made quite a few. I just thought that people whose job it is to cover the news would refrain from making jokes about putting balls in mouths. If this were the rhetoric of these protests, then I would be singing a different song. If you refer to your movement as the “Teabagging Movement” whose members are “Teabaggers,” then you really deserve to be mocked. You’re an idiot, and you need to know it. However, that’s simply not the case here. Maddow takes a couple examples that ignorantly stepped on a frathouse joke landmine and skewers them for seven minutes straight. She indicts the whole movement on the testicle-in-mouth concept, ignoring the fact that it really didn’t apply to the vast majority of those involved. Great news reporting, Rach!

Even the technology website/magazine Wired threw their hat into the ring with this article by Kevin Poulsen titled “FBI Arrests Oklahoma Teabagger For Twitter Threats.” Why not “Oklahoma Protester”? Wired isn’t utilizing a self-assigned moniker to refer to these protesters. They’re using a moniker placed on this movement by leftist commentators who seek to belittle people that think differently from them. That’s pathetic, Wired. Stick to technology and stay out of politics.

Then we have Keith Olbermann, who should have stuck to sports. Keith decided that he should get a political science professor from Harvard on his show to comment on the movement. Just kidding! He got “actress,” “comedienne,” and “activist” Janeane Garofalo:

This is where this crap gets way out of hand. Now I understand that the crowd wasn’t a big fan of the “Bush bashing” guy – hell, they’d probably be pissed at me for some of what I’ve said too – but Garofalo just goes ballistic. She starts quoting tons of neuroscience, which she’s obviously an expert on having gotten her degree in history. Whoops. Not a lot of neuroscience taught in history classes huh, Janeane? But then again, Olbermann didn’t bring her on the show because she’s an authority on anything, but rather because she would say inflammatory things. Which she did. Garofalo attributed the entire “Taxpayer Tea Party” movement to racism. Here’s a direct quote:

“…let’s be very honest about what this is about. It’s not about bashing Democrats, it’s not about taxes, they have no idea what the Boston tea party was about, they don’t know their history at all. This is about hating a black man in the White House. This is racism straight up. That is nothing but a bunch of teabagging rednecks.”

Where in the hell did she get that from? I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to say that she pulled that little idea out of her liberal, conservative-hating ass. The most ironic thing about Garofalo’s statement is that she is actually the one being racist. The protesters are not protesting Obama’s skin color, but his actions. They are evaluating Obama based on the merit of his decisions, in which they have found fault. Garofalo, on the other hand, defends him based not on the merit of his decisions nor on his actions, but on his skin color. These protesters are wrong, she says, not because Obama has made the right decisions, but instead because he is a black man. If President Obama were white, she’d have no argument to present. Were there racists present at these protests? Of course. There are crazy people everywhere. Have you been outside? They’re everywhere. But that is not the majority, which Garofalo doesn’t want to accept. She would argue that if Obama were white there wouldn’t be any protests, but that’s because she refuses to pay attention to the actual motivations of the protests. Why don’t we see some of these liberal commentators actually engage the subjects at hand, rather than tossing around hyperbole and testicle jokes?

She touches on the answer to this question, even though I’m not sure she realized it. The answer is a reality which The Talking Mirror hopes to change: intellectual conservatives in the media are all but nonexistent. Where can you find an intelligent conservative perspective in the media? One that doesn’t rely on fear mongering and embellishment to fuel their arguments? No where, and that is why the Republican party is floundering right now. The liberals aren’t engaging conservatives intelligently because conservatives aren’t communicating intelligently in the first place.

One thing is for sure, though: American news media is totally and utterly screwed. John Stewart hits on this pretty well, although I wish he were more even-handed with his criticisms:

I hinted at this before, but Stewart is off on his criticism of the protests. That’s not the point, though. The point is that the news media at large is way out of hand and truth be told, I don’t have an answer. I do know that if conservatives want to have any place in the future of the country, they need to get back to the small government, free market roots of the party and stop embracing fear-fueled moral issues as the foundation of their politics. That hasn’t worked, that’s not working, and that won’t work in the future. It’s time to get back to the basics, guys. Fundamentals, not fundamentalism.

1900 words later, I’m done. What do you guys think?

I am reviewing the following article from CNN.com:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/17/bristol.palin.interview/index.html

Again, understand that I filmed this in like 3 takes with zero editing and no directing. And it’s pretty much entirely ad-libbed. Feedback is welcome.

PETA Review from Conor McCarthy on Vimeo.

The following is the text from the OLD article, all antiquated and typed out…

Hello Readers. Today we were going to usher in a new era for TTM. The future, if you will. VIDEO. From YOUTUBE. Of ME. I know, it’s exciting. This would have been an experiment for us. Maybe it would have worked, maybe not. A lot of you have never seen me before. There’s a good chance you never wanted to.  I can almost guarantee Kent wouldn’t have liked it, the perfectionist. You should see him try to buy a new pair of pants. Ridiculous.

So soon enough, we’re planning on running videos on here. One day. Once we can figure out the logistics of filming them, making them funny, and getting damned YouTube to do what it’s supposed to do. I pay them nothing, and by golly they should work for it.

The video was about this website that was put up by PETA. It’s a new “PR” campaign to try to re-brand “fish” as “sea kittens” in order to try to convince people not to kill and eat them. You wouldn’t kill and eat a kitten would you? Of course not, this isn’t Vietnam. So PETA, using their spring of eternal wisdom, decided that they should put up a website with ridiculous looking graphics in order to try to get people to sign a petition to stop fishing. To save fish. Who have a memory of like 2 months. The website itself looks like it was made for 4th graders, from the cartoonish “sea kitten” drawings to the bright, Nickelodeon colors. The “about the campaign” section seems like it was written by a single 43 year old woman who refers to insulting as “dissing” when around younger people, because “that’s how kids talk these days.” It attempts funny and, of course, fails miserably.

It doesn’t suprise me so much that PETA keeps coming up with campaigns to save animals. That’s what they do, they’re PETA. It confounds me, however, that they’re so stupid about it. Who came up with the idea of launching a stupid looking website to try to get people not to eat fish anymore? Sea Kittens? Seriously? That’s retarded. Why don’t they approach these issues with whatever intelligent arguments I’m assuming they have, rather than attempting to win us over with their “brilliant” PR ideas? Granted, I’m assuming they have good, reasonable ideas behind their strong desire to save the lives of millions of fish whose brains are a quarter the size of my pinky nail. They might not. They probably don’t, in fact. Had they good reasons, I may have previously been convinced. However, since I know that people matter more than animals, I choose to invest my time, care, and money in organizations that actually help the world in meaningful ways, rather than pissing off what was likely an exorbitant amount of money on a completely useless website. You want to help animals? Donate money to your local humane society. Or donate your time. Just stay away from PETA. They’ll make you dumber.