I digress. The point is, I’ve been busy. The content on the site has been mostly driven by Kent and hilarious contributors. I receive a loud voicemail every other day from Kent that is almost entirely comprised of vulgarities and racial epithets that don’t apply to me. I’m sorry buddy, but you just can’t coerce hilarity out of someone. It has to come from inspiration.

And well, I found some inspiration the other day. The following is my commentary on a list from a website called “The Frisky” about what you should teach your sons about women. What kind of website has that kind of ridiculous name? Good question. It’s a site by women, for women. Anytime a woman writes something about how men work, what men think, or generally anything about men, you can almost guarantee that it’s completely wrong. This list is a decent example of that, although I do agree with some of what it says. The rest of it… well… You’ll see. Here it is. The list itself will be in bold, my comments will be in italics. Bon Appetit, gluttons.

1. Pick your battles.

Right on. Some stuff just isn’t worth the blood and violence. Like with Iraq, you know? After we got into the thick of it we realized, “hey, this might have been better to avoid.” Love is like that. Love is like Iraq. Yeah, that’s it. Remember that, all you single kids. Love is like Iraq.

2. Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion.

Also a good point. Although I’m not sure that the ladies over at The Frisky know the origins of that rule – it started back in the day when roads weren’t paved. The man walked on the outside in case there was mud or water in the crappy streets. If there was a splash from a passing horse or cart, he’d take the brunt of it. See that? TTM just educated you. You’re officially not wasting your time.

3. Saying “You’re being crazy” is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you.

Hmmm… I mean, I get what she’s saying here. That’s probably not a productive thing to say in an argument, but essentially point #3 says that calling a woman crazy makes her crazy… which in effect proves the statement correct, doesn’t it? And going “postal” usually refers to really violent actions, i.e. a disgruntled postal worker shooting a bunch of people. So what you’re saying, Friksy (which coincidentally was also the name of my first dog, RIP) is that calling a woman crazy will turn her into a murdering psychotic.

4. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women.

True, true, maybe. Maybe it’s just me, but when my Dad would take care of us while my Mom was sick or out of town, it was a drastically different experience involving lots of microwaved food and diapers made out of newspaper.

5. Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for her to raid.

True. Chocolate is like catnip for women.

6. Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn’t embarrass you –everyone knows they’re not for you.

Pshhh! How do they know they’re not for me?! I’m not buying that crap, like I’m gay or something. Chhh. Dumb chicks. (Seriously though, dudes don’t like doing this because it’s kind of weird and gross, not because they’re afraid people will think they’re bleeding out of their vagina.)

7. Women like compliments and gifts.

Men like beer and nudity. And compliments and gifts.

8. Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating.

Earning less than him shouldn’t activate the inferiority complex that your loveless father ingrained in you as a child.

9. Be on time, even if she usually isn’t.

That way you can make her feel really guilty about always being late and use it as a tool to manipulate her! Brilliant, Frisky!

10. Don’t be a pouty puppy when shopping with her.

Don’t make him go shopping with you if you don’t want to deal with him inevitably hating it. Studies have shown, actually, that women enjoy shopping because for them it’s a sensory experience – they enjoy the colors and textures of the items, making the experience very stimulating for them.  Mens’ brains, however, aren’t wired to appreciate the same stimuli. Suck it, Frisky.

11. Find out what her favorite flower is.

Conceded. Good point. Otherwise you’d never have a good card to pull out when you screw something up.

12. If you like her, then don’t buy her shoes; it’s bad luck.

Sounds like someone is inserting a little bit of their own personal narrative into this guide. I feel like some dude’s name should be italicized at the end of that statement.

13. Smiling and nodding aren’t the same as listening.

Thought vomiting isn’t the same as talking.

14. It’s OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum.

Wow. “Be vulnerable, but only to the extent of novelty. Any real vulnerability isn’t welcome.” Someone is a little dysfunctional.

15. Personality goes a long way.

Trying to justify your ugly boyfriend, huh?

16. At some point she’ll be more important than your mother.

Unless your name is Oedipus! BAM!

17. You will never completely understand women.

That’s because they’re crazy. Oh, no! Please don’t shoot me!

18. Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby!

I don’t even know what the hell this is about. Freud? Where are you?

First we have a little news article submitted to me by our webmaster Isaac the Conqueror:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8081829.stm

It’s about two gay penguins that raise an adopted egg. No, this isn’t a nightmare from a conservative children’s book writer. Apparently it’s news from some German zoo. I’m not sure if anyone in the world really gives a damn about the fact that this is happening or has happened, but if they do I have a couple ideas of some potential perspectives that might arise on the issue.

The Raging “Conservative” Fundamentalists: Well this is just proof of how liberal Europe has become. Even their animals are gay. AND they let their GAY animals adopt babies! Europe has gone to hell!

The Raging “Liberal” GLBTs: See? See? Even penguins are gay and raise babies. Everyone likes penguins. Didn’t you see Happy Feet? Carrie Perjean, will you validate our lifestyle now?

Here’s the problem with both perspectives: they’re f’ing penguins. Who gives a crap whether or not they’re gay or raise babies as gays or whatever? They’re PENGUINS. BIRDS. They have minuscule brains. They’re not even closely related to us evolutionarily, if at all. At most this is some retarded news at which people should giggle or coo or grimace and forget immediately. This neither proves nor disproves anything. We already know gay people exist and that gay people can and will raise adopted babies, probably with the same successes and failures as heterosexual households. So who cares about penguins that do it? The only reason to report on it is to say “Look! Them too!” It’s pointless. These light-in-the-feet penguins aren’t going to raise a gayguin. (Did that work? That combination? I hope it did.) Anyway, like I said, I’m not sure if anyone commented on this “news” like I predicted. But honestly, would you be surprised?

Moving on. TWITTER. You’ve heard of it, right? The Talking Mirror has too. I run it because Kent breaks most things technological and because I’m a control freak. So anyway, TTM is following Carrie Prejean.

Because of the above video clip, Prejean has become somewhat of a spokeswoman for the anti-gay-marriage movement in addition to being a kind of Evangelical “icon,” if you will. One day I was just hanging out, being unemployed and screwing around on twitter when Prejean told her twitter followers that she had time to take some questions. I decided I’d see if I could get some substance out of the bodacious blond. I didn’t ask anything funny. Yeah, I can be serious. Seriously.

Here’s the transcript of TTM’s Official First Interview with Carrie Prejean.

TalkingMirror@CarriePrejeanCA Why are you a Christian?

CarriePrejeanCA@TalkingMirror I am a christian because God has changed my life in so many amazing ways. I trust and belive [sic] in him.

CarriePrejeanCA@TalkingMirror He gets me through the day!

TalkingMirror@CarriePrejeanCA How often do you read your Bible?

CarriePrejeanCA@TalkingMirror Everyday! I love the Bible!! It helps me know what to do and what decisons [sic] to make!

TalkingMirror@CarriePrejeanCA How do you deal with the responsibility of representing your faith to a very scrutinizing world?

CarriePrejeanCA@TalkingMirror I jus [sic] try to keep my head held high!

Clearly, as you can see from her answers, Prejean is in love with TTM and we’re now “going steady.” Don’t be shy Carrie-poo. I know you love us like we love you and your boo– er– super profound intellect. Right.

I also wanted ton include a link to a PDF of a serious article by Onion writer and one time TTM contributer Kurt Luchs. It’s not funny, but it’s very good. It’s short and worth the read:

http://www.ganderpress.com/spring2009/names/luchs.pdf

And, finally:

Some News in Review 06/05/09 Neti Pot from Conor McCarthy on Vimeo.

I am reviewing the following article from CNN.com:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/17/bristol.palin.interview/index.html

Again, understand that I filmed this in like 3 takes with zero editing and no directing. And it’s pretty much entirely ad-libbed. Feedback is welcome.

PETA Review from Conor McCarthy on Vimeo.

The following is the text from the OLD article, all antiquated and typed out…

Hello Readers. Today we were going to usher in a new era for TTM. The future, if you will. VIDEO. From YOUTUBE. Of ME. I know, it’s exciting. This would have been an experiment for us. Maybe it would have worked, maybe not. A lot of you have never seen me before. There’s a good chance you never wanted to.  I can almost guarantee Kent wouldn’t have liked it, the perfectionist. You should see him try to buy a new pair of pants. Ridiculous.

So soon enough, we’re planning on running videos on here. One day. Once we can figure out the logistics of filming them, making them funny, and getting damned YouTube to do what it’s supposed to do. I pay them nothing, and by golly they should work for it.

The video was about this website that was put up by PETA. It’s a new “PR” campaign to try to re-brand “fish” as “sea kittens” in order to try to convince people not to kill and eat them. You wouldn’t kill and eat a kitten would you? Of course not, this isn’t Vietnam. So PETA, using their spring of eternal wisdom, decided that they should put up a website with ridiculous looking graphics in order to try to get people to sign a petition to stop fishing. To save fish. Who have a memory of like 2 months. The website itself looks like it was made for 4th graders, from the cartoonish “sea kitten” drawings to the bright, Nickelodeon colors. The “about the campaign” section seems like it was written by a single 43 year old woman who refers to insulting as “dissing” when around younger people, because “that’s how kids talk these days.” It attempts funny and, of course, fails miserably.

It doesn’t suprise me so much that PETA keeps coming up with campaigns to save animals. That’s what they do, they’re PETA. It confounds me, however, that they’re so stupid about it. Who came up with the idea of launching a stupid looking website to try to get people not to eat fish anymore? Sea Kittens? Seriously? That’s retarded. Why don’t they approach these issues with whatever intelligent arguments I’m assuming they have, rather than attempting to win us over with their “brilliant” PR ideas? Granted, I’m assuming they have good, reasonable ideas behind their strong desire to save the lives of millions of fish whose brains are a quarter the size of my pinky nail. They might not. They probably don’t, in fact. Had they good reasons, I may have previously been convinced. However, since I know that people matter more than animals, I choose to invest my time, care, and money in organizations that actually help the world in meaningful ways, rather than pissing off what was likely an exorbitant amount of money on a completely useless website. You want to help animals? Donate money to your local humane society. Or donate your time. Just stay away from PETA. They’ll make you dumber.

If you haven’t heard the doomsday theories about 2012, you’re living under a rock. Or you’re Kent, who also didn’t know what the hell I was talking about when I pitched this article idea. Or maybe you’re living in a beautiful fantasy world, blissfully ignorant of all of the painfully stupid people that surround us. They’re everywhere, and they’re killing me.

So what is this whole 2012 thing, besides the premise to a new apocaplyptic Roland Emmerich film? Well, you’ve heard of the Mayans, right? Yeah, those people that sacrificed people in crazy ways in order to appease their gods. I know, I thought Benny Hinn was bad. Anyway, apparently these people were real legit astronomers or something. When they got bored with disemboweling people and cutting out their hearts while they were still alive, they made up this sweet calender that has a cycle that ends on December 21, 2012. No one knows how or why, except that it has something to do with the sun coming into alignment with the center of the Milky Way. My first thought was “that’s stupid, they didn’t have Milky Ways back then.” Turns out it’s even dumber than that. No one has any real justifications about why they think that the end of this Mayan cycle signals doom, death, and destruction. Seriously. It’s just when the cycle ends, and people have interpreted that as meaning Mother Earth is finally going to get fed up with us crapping on her all the time and is just going to explode or something. I feel like I remember another ominous date that spawned lots of doomsday talk. And lots of end of the world movies? Hmmm… Seems pretty recent. What was that?

Oh yeah.

Y2K.

Well that theory was totally true, right? I mean, we’re living in the post-apocalypse now, Mad Max style. I just went on a raid with my bros to get some diesel for our huge monster bus city that has spikes on it and is perpetually covered in dust. And we all wear leather clothes we made from animals we killed and ate, and we’ve got crazy hair cuts. And Mel Gibson is cool again. Right? Right?

Nope. The end of the world didn’t come around when our calenders danced into the 2000′s. Nothing happened, actually. Computers didn’t crash, airplanes didn’t fall out of the sky, and everyone is still pretty wary of Mel Gibson. So why is it that people are putting stock in yet another crackpot doomsday prediction? Especially if scholars – you know, dudes that read and write books on the subject – say things like “There is no serious scholar who puts any stock in the idea that the Maya said anything meaningful about 2012.”

The same reason that the Texan saying “Beware of the direction of the herd” is so pertinent. People are just awfully, awfully stupid. They get together and watch TV, hear these completely baseless fear-inducing theories and then they just poop in their pants and jump right on the poopy-pants bandwagon. And what’s the justification about it? “Well, the Mayan calendar was right about a lot of other stuff.” Like what? Anyone got any answers? Show me a Mayan scholar that talks about how the Mayan calendar predicted anything that has happened, and I’ll get right on board with you. There’s nothing I want more than an apocalyptic scenario. I want to buy a shotgun, board up my windows, and start my own community of post-apocalyptic badasses that bring justice and badassness to the new apocalyptic frontier. I really want that. I just have this thing that prevents me from buying into this crap. It’s called a brain. So please people, before you start hoarding bottled water and canned foods, check your damn sources and do a little research. It’s this kind of fear-mongering zombieism that ruins our society. Don’t be an idiot.

And you really should read this article. It’s what inspired my righteous indignation.

Image care of B. McGunigal at www.leapfrog-designs.com

Article Number One is about conservatives in Hollywood.

This article discusses different conservative people in Hollywood, including Kelsey Grammer (which is predictable I guess… Frasier? Come on.) and Dennis F’ing Hopper. There aren’t a bunch of trendy hotties like Lindsey Lohan or Justin Timberlake, but apparently Robert Downey Jr. is “rumored” to be a “closet Republican.” We can hold on to that. It’s just encouraging to see something like this coming out of Hollywood, not because I’m a raging Focus-on-the-Family conservative, but rather because I’m tired of hearing the same crap from Hollywood over and over again. They piss and moan about “intolerant” conservatives who have morals that differ from their perpetually gray relativism – which is to say, any morals at all – and all the while commit the very sins they condemn. Having more than one voice would be a nice change.

And now, Article Number Two: The Bestest News in the Whole Wide World

Yes, my friends, Jennifer Love Hewitt has called off her engagement with some Scottish guy. This article notes that both her and this dude are pretty sad about the whole thing. She’s probably all sad that she wasted so much time on some dude that is obviously not right for her. How is it obvious, you ask? Easy. That dude isn’t me. That’s all water under the ole’ bridge now, babe. It’s time for you to make the decision that you should have made years ago. You’ve been running from the truth, but I think someone needs to rewatch Can’t Hardly Wait. You can’t fight fate, Jen. It’s time for you face the true, beautiful love that God created between us.

When I first watched that glorious scene, my life changed. I felt a spark of butterfly fire in my heart like never before. I know you felt it too, except you probably weren’t watching a movie that I was in, since I have yet to make my big screen debut (don’t worry though, the Ugg Boots Epic will get optioned any day now). You probably felt that undeniable, atom-bomb of romance in your heart when you read one of my poetic letters that I’m sure you received and personally read, even though you never replied. You’re coy, and I like that. I might have included my yearbook picture from freshman year of high school in one or five of those letters. Maybe forget about that. I’m much better looking now.

So when you’re ready Jen, just Facebook me and we can work out the details of our elopement and your subsequent move to Chicago. And you know what? I don’t even care if you take my last name. Yeah, I know. It’s a big deal, I’m from the South. Texas actually. What’s that? You’re from Texas also? Wow. Crazy. Did you hear that sound? Such a beautiful sound. A sound we can’t ignore. Not anymore.  Know what that sound was, Love?

Destiny.

When you’re ready, Jen. Take your time.

Avec le Plus Pur Amour,
-conor.

P.S. Yeah baby, that’s French right there. You like that? I’ll Google translate everything I say into whatever language you want. What can I say? True love does some crazy things.

Don't stare too long. She's contagious.

Apparently Rosie O’Donnell’s “variety show” bombed after one episode. It might actually be news to you that she had a variety show in the first place. That’s probably because you’re in your right mind and would never give her a show unless the lives of all your loved ones depended on it, like on some episode of 24. The people who financed the production of her show, however, were obviously not in their right minds. Anyone could have told them that they could have used that money to fund a show that is worthwhile rather than giving Rosie “I-make-Charles-Manson-look-sane” O’Donnell a chance to liberally not make people laugh. This is a woman who got booted from The View, a show where women sit around and talk about things in womanly sorts of ways. You’d think that they’d be used to a little bit of crazy, what with a show that is essentially a cauldron filled with a mix of estrogen, menopause, and violently opposing opinions. Nay, says The View; Rosie O’Bonkers took it over the line like That Guy who thinks dead baby jokes are funny. “Yikes man,” we say to That Guy, “too much.”

Rest, my fellow Americans. Your fears of more exposure to Rosie’s harmful levels of lunacy are thus allayed.

Moving on in the news, apparently Canada has been taken hostage by their tyrannical Prime Minister. No, a “Prime Minister” is not a character out of Harry Potter or some sort of Dungeons and Dragons reference, it’s what Canadians call their President. I guess that’s yet another thing that they do to try to prove to the world that Canada isn’t the U.S.A.’s step child. “Shhhh,” we say to Canada as we pat it on the head, “No more playing pretend.”

I bring up this particular piece of news for two reasons: 1.) To raise the observation that although Canadians are obsessed with American politics, I’m willing to bet $100 that 99.9% of Americans have no idea who the Canadian Prime Minister is, much less that he has used his power to effectively throw a temper tantrum, crossing his arms and telling Mommy that he’s not going to go to daycare. And 2.) To point out that it’s kind of ridiculous that he has that power within Canadian law. I think it’s time that we go ahead and invade Canada and make it the 51st state. Maybe we can call it “South Alaska” or “New Texas.” Canadians are pacifists so they probably wouldn’t fight back and with all this stuff going on with their Prime Guy they probably wouldn’t even notice. Think about it.

For the record, I’ve gotten most of my information about Canada from Bill, our Canadian Correspondent. Any anger should be directed at him and not me.

This has been Some News in Review. If you find some sort of ridiculous news piece that you think is worthy of review, send it our way. Until next time, Good Night and Good Luck.

Today we’re looking at an article from some snotty British news site about a lingerie set that comes fitted with a GPS tracking system. Apparently it has pissed off some feminist types because they think it’s like a modern chastity belt, saying “It’s nothing more than a chastity belt for insecure men.” There are lots of problems with this statement. First, let’s explain it. This lady is saying that men will buy this lingerie for their lady-friends so that they can keep tabs on them and make sure they’re not whoring around town Paris Hilton style. That’s understandable I guess. I mean, where’s the trust? The love? The prenuptial agreement? But here’s the problem with her argument: A chastity belt is meant to keep someone from having sex. Lingerie is worn to make a woman sexually appealing in order to promote sex. To say that a piece of sexy lingerie promotes chastity is kind of like saying a condom promotes abstinence. Doesn’t really make any sense.

If you go ahead and take a peep at the picture here, you’ll see a few things. First, I’ve appropriately censored the picture. Second, I’ve pointed out the actual GPS tracker. See that? Look how hidden it is! It’s tucked back in there behind the see-through lacey stuff! You can barely see it! Except that’s not true at all. It’s hugenormous. If a woman chooses to wear this lingerie she’s going to see the pager-sized piece of electronics tucked inside of it. It probably weighs a ton and has some kind of ominous blinking light. And third, it doesn’t really look like the kind of thing a woman is going to prance around town in. Unless she’s some kind of stripper with a weirdo, sex-batwoman theme. If that’s the case, you might have more important things to worry about than using your GPS machine to see where she goes to “fight crime” next.

One must also wonder why this feminist action hero assumes that women only own this single piece of lingerie. If the woman is so stupid that she wears her lingerie with the obviously placed GPS tracker to a tryst with her adulterous lover, she deserves to get caught. There’s no lock on it. You can even turn the GPS thing off. It’s honestly pretty pointless, unless you wear it hiking and get lost; then I guess it could theoretically save your life. German feminist lady didn’t think of that did she? Doesn’t sound like she’s really that concerned with women’s well being.  Also, it costs like £500, which is like $5000 or something and that’s ridiculous. This is a dumb product to buy and an even dumber product to get bent out of shape over. Silly feminists.