So there you are, innocently battering pedestrians with a bus in Grand Theft Auto when you hear that dreaded, menacing sound; a warning of sorts, it’s the closest thing to a rattlesnake’s “chchchchchch” that mankind has yet evolved. The hair on your arms stands on end, your body tenses, your butt cheeks clench, and your palms begin to sweat. You feel your toes begin to push down on the ground slightly, ready to run (instinctively you opt for the “flight” over the “fight” because you’re a pansy). You try to ignore it, but it just gets louder and louder, unwilling to bear your charade of ignorance. Finally, the sound reaches a volume and tone that elicits your response, a reflex aimed at self-preservation.

“Schnuckums!? Are you listening to me?”

“Uh…” You say, your voice waivering. “Yeah babe, I hear you.”

“Are you ready?” the predator bellows, baiting the prey.

“Ready for what… beautiful?” You reply, hoping that somehow the interrogative will provide you an escape while tossing in the compliment at the end to ease the delivery, like the flavoring those bastards put in NyQuil.

“Don’t even try that crap on me. Get off your ass. We’re going shopping.” The snare tightens around your feet. You’ve been caught. Resistance is now futile.

Now that you’ve been reduced to the status of indentured servant, there are a few things you must remember in order to survive. The full moon that is a monthly sale has turned your once kind, sweet girlfriend into a vicious, bloodthirsty monster. A wereshopper, if you will. Like a lycanthrope, but much more subtle in its preferred murderous methods.  You’re about to venture into a dark, dangerous place. Stick with me, and you’ll be stronger, more courageous, and not single when it’s over. Welcome to the jungle.

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Popularity: 16% [?]

There are a plethora of colloquialisms that have burrowed their way into our common language like some kind of horrifying parasite. And there are many language abusers to blame, from Paris Hilton to Snoop Dogg, popularizing these vile forms of verbal vomit via various media outlets.There is one saying, however, that makes me violently halt conversations with a loud exclamation of “WTF?” every single time I hear it. You’ve heard it. You’ve probably said it. Those of you who appreciate the correct and graceful manipulation of our language may want to bite down onto a paint stirrer or a lead bullet in order to cope with the pain that is to come. Here it is, the abominable saying:

“I could care less.”

Just what the hell are you trying to communicate with that statement? You could care less? Well why don’t you then? What is stopping you from reaching the apex of Mount IDon’tGiveACrap? Maybe you’re just out of energy, sapped from a long, arduous day of being unable to care less about the general goings-on around you. I understand that; everybody gets tired and needs a boost sometimes. They make various consumer products that serve to enhance your energy. Haven’t you heard of them? Here are a few examples: Red Bull. No Doze. Cocaine. Take your pick, drink it, swallow it, or snort it up your cartilage-depleted nose, and please bring your levels of apathy up to their maximum potential. Read the full story

Popularity: 41% [?]

Hail to our chief.

America,

I’m disappointed with you. You got plastered-drunk on the Obama administration’s hip-flask of hope, and now you have a reality hangover.

It’s been a month… WHERE ARE YOUR FLYING HYBRID CARS?!? What have they been up to in Washington? A month long Scrabble tournament? What’s the hold up here?

This is not the bright new future you were promised when you chugged Obama’s champagne of change. You were foretold of a world free from genocide, poverty, and large words. A world where bipartisanship and children’s laughter would be the modus operandi. A world no longer bound by tyrannical right-wing policies like Monday mornings, awkward conversations, and confusing song lyrics. Together, we were to usher in a new day where butterflies would serenade us as rainbows sneezed Skittles. This was the vision you had when you snorted the opium of Obama optimism. This was what you signed up for. Read the full story

Popularity: 70% [?]

After an election season promising “change” and lots of it, many Americans were disappointed to hear the news that yet another old white man will be the country’s Vice President while yet another black man will be moving into government housing. Noted historian and political scientist Wolf Blitzer lamented yet another election lacking historical significance of any kind. “It’s just so hard to get ahead in this country,” said progressive lobbyist Gloria Meshbesher-Spence-Rosenberg.

According to reports, not much is known about the African-American in question, except that he had spent the previous eighteen to twenty months living in a bus. The black man was likely offered the job out of pity in a noble attempt to get him to stop asking passing strangers for “change.” He will take residence in his new “house” as soon as the mob of repugnant squatters are shooed away. Like most government housing these days, the white-washed shanty is surrounded by urban squalor, is extremely old, and has often been used as a rendezvous point for solicited sex.

Submitted by a faithful reader and loyal friend who – for political and professional reasons – wishes to remain anonymous.

Popularity: 21% [?]