In those days a decree went out from the Department of Commerce, in accordance with a constitutional mandate, that a census should be taken of the entire American world.  This was the first census to take place when Arnold was Governator of California.  And all went to retrieve their census forms, each to his own mailbox.

And I also went up from my couch, in my living room, in apartment 113, to the mailboxes, which are over by the leasing office, to mailbox number 113 because I am of the apartment and mailbox #113.  Also, it was a Saturday and I wasn’t really doing anything else and whenever I don’t check my mailbox for a couple days it always fills up with junk mail until there’s hardly any room for important bills and stuff.

Arriving at mailbox 113, I discovered that the receptacle was indeed stuffed to the brim with Ralph’s coupons, credit card offers, Trader Joe’s flyers, and various other marketing miscellany.  The time had come to clear it out.  So I wrapped the junk mail together and stuffed a bunch of it in the outgoing mail slot, because there was no room for it in the trash can.  But before junking the junk mail, I was careful to extract the census form of which the Commerce Department had spoken.

And in the same region, later on that day, I was back on my couch keeping watch over the NCAA Tournament games at night.  When suddenly, a commercial from the government appeared before me and the sound of propaganda was all around me, and I was filled with confusion. Read the full story

Popularity: 6% [?]

I have a friend who is in the process of obtaining a student visa in order to attend an a university here in Chicago. The hoops that they require you to jump through are extensive and often ludicrous, but nothing has been quite as amusing in its absurdity as the questions on a mandatory questionnaire. I’ve included some of my favorites:

Do you have a communicable disease of public health significance such as tuberculosis (TB)?

Have you ever violated, or engaged in a conspiracy to violate, any law relating to controlled substances?

Are you coming to the United States to engage in prostitution or unlawful commercialized vice or have you been engaged in prostitution or procuring prostitutes within the past 10 years?

Do you seek to engage in espionage, sabotage, export control violations, or any other illegal activity while in the United States?
Read the full story

Popularity: 5% [?]

Few things this side of Kanye West can inspire within Americans the wrath and righteous indignation caused by the Department of Motor Vehicles and airport security.  These dens of iniquity are similar to most government agencies in that the quality of one’s life is inversely proportionate to the amount of time spent there.  Since their inception, they have been causing Americans to ask themselves, “Were things really that bad in England?”  They are unequivocally and categorically horrific places.

The quality of my life took a significant hit last week when a cruel twist of fate and scheduling required me to visit both of these gulags in one 36-hour period.  It was a harrowing experience I would maybe wish on Michael Moore but probably no one else.  I escaped with none of my dignity and only a shred of my sanity.  On the bright side, I am now in the unique and unenviable position to draw comparisons between these two black holes of bureaucracy.  I do this so that you don’t have to and so that my suffering might not have been in vain. This is my therapy.  This is my penance.  This is my diary screaming out loud (God bless you, Anna Nalick).  Enjoy. Read the full story

Popularity: 7% [?]

This article was originally written for www.gapersblock.com. You can see the article there also.

So I was at the post office the other day, mailing something to my special lady friend. It’s long distance so you really have to send letters and what not to keep points on the scoreboard, so to speak. I had tried FedEx and UPS, but their prices were astronomical – $60 bucks when USPS was $10 – $20.

There I was, putting some stuff in a box and filling out all the appropriate forms, when some girl came in to ship something. It was only the two of us there at the Post Office, so I could easily hear her conversation with the USPS employee. The girl was trying to pay for her purchase with a credit card that said “See I.D.” where the signature bar is on the back. The USPS employee was not down with that. You see, their policy is that you have to sign your cards. “You can sign your card right now, but we won’t take it if it’s not signed,” the employee told the young lady – the damsel in distress, you might say.

Logic isn't in their policy.

“I work at a bank,” the girl protested. “We tell all of our customers to write ‘See I.D’ on the back of their cards because it’s more secure. Your I.D. has your signature and your picture on it. It helps protect against theft.”

“Hard to argue against that logic,” I affirmed her silently in my mind. This was, after all, the same policy that I myself practiced.

“Our policy says that you have to sign the card,” the employee persisted.

“But you can just see my I.D.” the girl continued in futility.

“Ma’am you can either sign the card now or pay with cash,” repeated the error message, reminiscent of the infuriating experiences we’ve all had with some type of electronics that malfunction despite all forms of reason. The customer yielded, her white flag waving as she handed over the cash for her purchase. Her head hung low as she marched out of the building, defeated. Read the full story

Popularity: 14% [?]

The recession has hit us all hard, but none harder than the terrifyingly rich. That’s why we’ve asked billionaire G. Winston Thurston Livingston III to advise our billionaire readership on weathering the storm.  I hope the 3 of them appreciate this.

Fellow Patricians,

Tip #1: Titanium cufflinks and Egyptian silk boxers are life’s little necessities, to be sure. But be smart about it! Buy used! I’m almost embarrassed to tell you how cheaply I scored an ivory tooth brush at Saddam Hussein’s estate sale!

Tip #2: Your summer home in the Hamptons? Burn it. Burn it down. You’ll collect enough insurance money to fill your hot tub with Dom Perignon and cavier (which, I’ve found, can be extremely hard on the filters).

Tip #3: Insider trading. Need I say more? If you haven’t started yet, I don’t know what you were doing in the 90′s. Read the full story

Popularity: 8% [?]

by Frank Ferri

CHAIRMAN: It’s an honor to be sitting here in front of such an accomplished Chef. Furthermore, it’s quite humbling to be the new Chairman of this Ways and Menus Committee. Now, I’ll turn things over to the distinguished Senator from California for questioning.

SENATOR: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I think I speak for the entire Congress in saying that as the newly appointed Chairman, we know you’ll wield your meat tenderizer-shaped gavel in a fair, judicious and delicious manner.

CHAIRMAN: Thank you, Senator.

SENATOR: Chef, thank you for being here. And for supplying each of us with these fluffy, one-whole egg/two-egg-white omelets. I’d like the record to show that I cannot tell the difference between a traditional three-whole-egg omelet and this healthier version.

CHAIRMAN: Duly noted. Let the record show that the Senator from California is a fan of the Chef’s omelets. Now if you’re done, can we move on?

SENATOR: Of course. Chef, your qualifications are impressive, especially your schooling and apprenticeship at a Michelin three-star restaurant in Lyon. But you were recently head chef at Tres Tehran: An Iranian Bistro, Enoteca & Waterslide Park. I hate their appetizer selection.
Read the full story

Popularity: 6% [?]

By Frank Ferri
Potentials:

NFL REFEREE ED HOCHULI

PROS: Brings with him a huge NFL fan following, which could spark an interest in Constitutional law among sports fans. Bonus, he is an actual lawyer.

CONS: Prone to throwing yellow flags at attorneys-and anyone really-throughout court proceedings. His form-fitting robes and needlessly wordy opinions will grate on the rest of the court.

BONO

PROS: Still miffed at being passed over for Pope in 2005, he will bring intensity to the Court that’s been missing. Mononym would save taxpayer money on engraved desk and door plates.

CONS: Have you ever seen him without his sunglasses?  It’s terrifying.

Read the full story

Popularity: 39% [?]

Dear America,

Hey, baby.  Wassup with you?  I know it might be weird hearing from me like this, but I’ve been thinking about you for a while now.  And…I want you back.

I know, I know, you said you “wanted to take a break” and that “some space would be nice,” but ever since that bitter day in 1776, I haven’t been the same.  It’s like you took a part of me with you.  They say that no man is an island, but baby, I feel like one without you.

Your broad stripes and bright stars have never looked better, even through our perilous fight.  Your amber waves of grain are so…grainy.  And don’t even get me started about your purple mountain majesties.  My tears are gallantly streaming down my face just thinking about it.

What if I finally learn how to cook?  Does that do anything for ya?  I know how much you love foo-never mind.  But hey, I could do other things… Like call football and soccer by their proper names.  Eh?

I know you pride yourself on being all independent and whatever.  But come on, baby.  We speak the same language.  There aren’t a lot of other countries I feel like I can really talk to, ya know?  Australia sometimes.  But we’re just friends.  I swear.

You were always there for me when I was in trouble — World War I, World War II, Spice World.  Why do you act like you care, and then once I’m okay again, you pretend like nothing happened?  It’s like our Special Relationship lately… doesn’t seem that special to you at all.

I know you’re in a tough spot financially.  Honestly, I am too.  We can help each other out.  Don’t you forget, I made you who you are today.  I know, I know, I was cocky when you left.  I was all, “The sun never sets on my empire, baby.”  But it’s been dark without you.

Please, please come back to me.  I was a fool.  I want to regain your trust.  No more taxation without representation.

I’m sorry.

ILY,

England.

P.S. If you don’t come back to me, at least give me my Ricky Gervais and David Beckham back.  You can keep James Blunt, Hugh Grant, Simon Cowell, Coldplay, the Osbournes, Rick Astley, and Amy Winehouse.

Submitted by Stephen Joseph Hoey and reprinted with permission from The OTR Publishing Conglomerate.  A man of many talents, Stephen considers his opposable thumbs to be his greatest asset.

Popularity: 52% [?]

OMAHA, NB (AP) – The congregants of Westside Presbyterian Church have had enough. For the past four years they have faithfully supported Operation Mobilization missionary Jack Powell in his mission to the Middle East, and for the past four years they have stood by him through botched church plants, poorly punctuated Bible translations, and aimlessly wondering prayer walks. Having grown weary of the “blatant and inexcusable waste of time and tithes” displayed by Mr. Powell, influential churchgoers have begun calling for his immediate return from the region.

Mr. Powell shipped off for the Middle East in the spring of 2004 with the full endorsement of Executive Pastor Joe Munson, who used personal charisma and a recent viewing of Mel Gibson’s The  Passion to whip reluctant elders and parishioners into a proselytizing frenzy.

Longtime usher, Henry Theeson recalls the experience, “I was asleep for most of it, but I remember Pastor Munson blathering excitedly about journeying into spiritual deserts and storming the strongholds of Satan or some such nonsense. I thought he was talking about Nevada.”

Public opinion has turned sharply in the intervening years as Mr. Powell’s supposedly brief campaign has deteriorated into an interminable quagmire of language barriers and religious intolerance. Read the full story

Popularity: 26% [?]

After an election season promising “change” and lots of it, many Americans were disappointed to hear the news that yet another old white man will be the country’s Vice President while yet another black man will be moving into government housing. Noted historian and political scientist Wolf Blitzer lamented yet another election lacking historical significance of any kind. “It’s just so hard to get ahead in this country,” said progressive lobbyist Gloria Meshbesher-Spence-Rosenberg.

According to reports, not much is known about the African-American in question, except that he had spent the previous eighteen to twenty months living in a bus. The black man was likely offered the job out of pity in a noble attempt to get him to stop asking passing strangers for “change.” He will take residence in his new “house” as soon as the mob of repugnant squatters are shooed away. Like most government housing these days, the white-washed shanty is surrounded by urban squalor, is extremely old, and has often been used as a rendezvous point for solicited sex.

Submitted by a faithful reader and loyal friend who – for political and professional reasons – wishes to remain anonymous.

Popularity: 18% [?]