The social universe has an unspoken balance in place that ensures that life makes sense. We hang out with people as cool as we are, we date within our acceptable range, and people that are born into wealth and status run our countries. When some son of a bitch tries to upset that balance, bad things happen. Remember the French Revolution? That happened because one of Quasimodo’s descendants landed a smoking-hot art model. The Civil War? Some mustachioed sea donkey from the North decided she wanted to date a studly land owner from Alabama.  Name any natural disaster and it can be traced back to some fugly idiot not following the rules of romance. If you mess with the balance, the universe compensates with blood.

Despite this delicate equilibrium, matchmaking is never perfect. Occasionally it is so uneven that it elicits a deep sense of injustice from our communal soul, sort of like any time Keanu Reeves gets another acting gig. You know something isn’t right. You can feel it. Someone is getting something they don’t deserve.

So, you walking dumpster, how do you make things right once you have a hottie in your white-knuckled, kill-me-to-take-it grip? How do you cope with dating someone that is hotter than you? Grab your Moleskine and take a seat, my child. We have much to discuss.

One rule: Over Compensate
She’s a 10 and you’re a 3. That’s a pretty sizable gap, almost as significant as the one between your two front teeth. You’re going to need to string a rope-bridge across that dark chasm. When people see you with your deafeningly hot significant other, the comments will go something like this:

“Damn, (he/she) is so (hot/attractive/sexcellent). Why is (he/she) with that Seth Rogen look alike? Well, I guess (he/she) is at least (fill in the blank).”

That blank can be filled with a few different things that will help even the score between you and your walking fantasy.

That is one unattractive dude.

1. Get in ridiculous shape.
You can’t help having a Haitian Earthquake for a face, but you can blast your pecks into beautiful oblivion. Work out constantly, get really into triathlons, get ab implants – whatever you want. You need to work your way into the “butterface” zone so people may be able to shrug off the 7 point difference between you and the Greek sculpture you’re dating.

2. Get rich and/or famous.
Ideally this would happen before you start dating a walking masterpiece, but if you somehow win the lottery before buying the ticket you still have options. Are you talented? You’d better hope you are. It doesn’t matter if you’re the world’s greatest tap dancer or if you start the next Google, you just need to be on top of something. It can even be something nerdy like math or writing internet humor, people won’t care as long as they have a good reason not to kill you for upsetting cupid’s system. Hell, you may even be able to get away with being a second or third string celebrity/musician/mogul, you’ll just have to deal with more public anger and ridicule than you would have if you were Seal.

Apparently he's a great musician.

3. Get a horrible disease.
If all else fails, there’s always the “Make-A-Wish Foundation” route. This is the Hail-Mary of dating-up excuses, but it is also one of the hardest with which to argue. Example:
“Damn, that girl is fine. What’s she doing with that retarded hippopotamus?”
“Bro, you’re an asshole. That guy has EbolasyphillAIDS. He’s already died like three times.”
You’re clearly not otherwise qualified to bask in the magical fairy-glow of hotness that shines forth from your spouse, but somehow you’ve earned it by suffering so hard that even Job says “yikes, that sucks.”

Follow these rules and you might be able to avoid getting hit by a meteor for dating someone that even blind people can tell is better looking than you.

Enjoy pointing out who got the sweeter deal in a relationship? Roll on over to SheWonHeWon.com and vote on hotness to your heart’s content!

I digress. The point is, I’ve been busy. The content on the site has been mostly driven by Kent and hilarious contributors. I receive a loud voicemail every other day from Kent that is almost entirely comprised of vulgarities and racial epithets that don’t apply to me. I’m sorry buddy, but you just can’t coerce hilarity out of someone. It has to come from inspiration.

And well, I found some inspiration the other day. The following is my commentary on a list from a website called “The Frisky” about what you should teach your sons about women. What kind of website has that kind of ridiculous name? Good question. It’s a site by women, for women. Anytime a woman writes something about how men work, what men think, or generally anything about men, you can almost guarantee that it’s completely wrong. This list is a decent example of that, although I do agree with some of what it says. The rest of it… well… You’ll see. Here it is. The list itself will be in bold, my comments will be in italics. Bon Appetit, gluttons.

1. Pick your battles.

Right on. Some stuff just isn’t worth the blood and violence. Like with Iraq, you know? After we got into the thick of it we realized, “hey, this might have been better to avoid.” Love is like that. Love is like Iraq. Yeah, that’s it. Remember that, all you single kids. Love is like Iraq.

2. Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion.

Also a good point. Although I’m not sure that the ladies over at The Frisky know the origins of that rule – it started back in the day when roads weren’t paved. The man walked on the outside in case there was mud or water in the crappy streets. If there was a splash from a passing horse or cart, he’d take the brunt of it. See that? TTM just educated you. You’re officially not wasting your time.

3. Saying “You’re being crazy” is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you.

Hmmm… I mean, I get what she’s saying here. That’s probably not a productive thing to say in an argument, but essentially point #3 says that calling a woman crazy makes her crazy… which in effect proves the statement correct, doesn’t it? And going “postal” usually refers to really violent actions, i.e. a disgruntled postal worker shooting a bunch of people. So what you’re saying, Friksy (which coincidentally was also the name of my first dog, RIP) is that calling a woman crazy will turn her into a murdering psychotic.

4. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women.

True, true, maybe. Maybe it’s just me, but when my Dad would take care of us while my Mom was sick or out of town, it was a drastically different experience involving lots of microwaved food and diapers made out of newspaper.

5. Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for her to raid.

True. Chocolate is like catnip for women.

6. Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn’t embarrass you –everyone knows they’re not for you.

Pshhh! How do they know they’re not for me?! I’m not buying that crap, like I’m gay or something. Chhh. Dumb chicks. (Seriously though, dudes don’t like doing this because it’s kind of weird and gross, not because they’re afraid people will think they’re bleeding out of their vagina.)

7. Women like compliments and gifts.

Men like beer and nudity. And compliments and gifts.

8. Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating.

Earning less than him shouldn’t activate the inferiority complex that your loveless father ingrained in you as a child.

9. Be on time, even if she usually isn’t.

That way you can make her feel really guilty about always being late and use it as a tool to manipulate her! Brilliant, Frisky!

10. Don’t be a pouty puppy when shopping with her.

Don’t make him go shopping with you if you don’t want to deal with him inevitably hating it. Studies have shown, actually, that women enjoy shopping because for them it’s a sensory experience – they enjoy the colors and textures of the items, making the experience very stimulating for them.  Mens’ brains, however, aren’t wired to appreciate the same stimuli. Suck it, Frisky.

11. Find out what her favorite flower is.

Conceded. Good point. Otherwise you’d never have a good card to pull out when you screw something up.

12. If you like her, then don’t buy her shoes; it’s bad luck.

Sounds like someone is inserting a little bit of their own personal narrative into this guide. I feel like some dude’s name should be italicized at the end of that statement.

13. Smiling and nodding aren’t the same as listening.

Thought vomiting isn’t the same as talking.

14. It’s OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum.

Wow. “Be vulnerable, but only to the extent of novelty. Any real vulnerability isn’t welcome.” Someone is a little dysfunctional.

15. Personality goes a long way.

Trying to justify your ugly boyfriend, huh?

16. At some point she’ll be more important than your mother.

Unless your name is Oedipus! BAM!

17. You will never completely understand women.

That’s because they’re crazy. Oh, no! Please don’t shoot me!

18. Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby!

I don’t even know what the hell this is about. Freud? Where are you?

Isn’t love amazing? It really is. Nothing else like it. Not even drugs. It’s a rare and beautiful thing when you finally meet that special someone. Who knows where cupid struck you both with his arrow? Maybe you had a class together. Maybe you met through a friend. Maybe you met on Myspace. Whatever the medium upon which your personal Romeo and Juliet began (except without the mutual suicide!), I’m sure you’ve experienced just how hard it is to keep that fireball of romance to yourself. Luckily for you, we here at The Talking Mirror are in the self-help business and have come up with a guide just for you and your boo bear.*

Step One: Always Maintain Physical Contact
No matter what happens, never forget this step. Your love will explode into a dust of broken promises and insecurities you never knew you could have. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whoever you’re with; none of it matters. The rule always applies. You must always be touching each other. It doesn’t have to be normal or even practical. It just has to be. Common examples:

The “arm around the waist even while walking, running, swimming, or sitting.” This is a pretty common choice amongst the love-stricken. Keep your arm around your lover’s waist no matter how inconvenient it may get, even as you try to run up the escalator or go through airport security. If you don’t, they will disappear instantly. Guaranteed.

The “constant hand-hold.” While more subtle than the arm around the waist, the hand-hold is no less dedicated. No matter what happens, you never let go of that hand. Got sweaty palms? Tough crap, son. You think love is for the weak? Let me tell you, it’s not. Walking through a crowd? You hold on for dear life. What if you get separated?! I… I can’t even bear the thought. Do whatever you have to in order to maintain the hand-hold. Clothes-hang a passer-by, knock over a food stand, step directly on the neck of a puppy – it doesn’t matter. You know what matters? Never letting go. If you let go, they’ll know that you don’t love them anymore and never did.

The “touch, just because.” This move really only belongs in a sitting position and ideally when you’re with a large group of people that obviously don’t know enough about how much you love each other. First, you must be sitting next to each other. Gosh, that was a dumb thing for me to tell you to do! There’s no way two people in love could ever sit anywhere but next to each other! You knew that. Sorry. Anyway, the important part is to try to stay within reason while still maintaining contact. A hand on the knee, shoulders touching, hand affectionately scratching the back, or toes intertwined: take your pick, it’s all golden and will ensure that your love will stay alive forever and ever and ever and ever.

Step Two: Constantly be Together
Remember when you weren’t in love? I know, me neither! But seriously, try to imagine. You were one person. Three weeks later, you’re in love. Know what you are now? A two person unit. Friends wanna hang out? They get the packaged deal. All or nothing, ladies and gentlemen. These two hearts are now one heart. Know what happens if they separate? They freaking die. And it’s bloody. Nobody wants that. Maybe you’re still in high school or college. Guess what? It’s time to go visit your adviser/counselor to make sure you have all the same classes. And, as we said before, you obviously have to sit next to each other. Maybe you’re at a party. Do you mingle with the other guests? Do you go downstairs to play Rock Band with the bro’s? Do you use the restroom? Absolutely not. You sit or stand together in one section of the party for the entirety of your stay. If people want to talk to you, they can come to you. You should also leave the party relatively early because you “had plans,” which should mean that you’re going to snuggle up on the couch and watch Scrubs on DVD.

Step Three: Let the World (Internet) Know
It’s time to show the entire world just how much you love each other via the intertron.

3.1) First and foremost, update your Facebook and Myspace relationship statuses. If you don’t do this, your relationship is a lie.
3.2) Next, change your profile picture to one that features you and your soul mate. This can be any sort of picture – laughing together, making silly faces using your macbook’s camera, or maybe a formal pose from prom or homecoming or when you went to see High School Musical. There’s one profile picture that trumps them all, though. It will tell the world that your love is so lovey and warm and real and eternal that really, no one else could understand it. What is it, you ask? The kissing picture. That’s right. You get some lucky bystander to snap a pic of you two smooching and make that your profile picture. Trust me. The second anyone sees that picture they’ll say to themselves “Wow. That’s not nauseating at all. That’s beautiful. That’s the kind of love I wish I had.”
3.3) And finally, it’s time to post affectionate things on each other’s walls. The following are real life examples from people whose love obviously conquers all, even grammar and spelling.

so i kinda sorta maybe rEAllY love YOU! miss you boo. 3 weeks and counting….1 year and 53 days and counting till something else and HAPPY four months. gah, i love you boo. xoxo*

go to bed you drunkbutttttt. i’m still up! oh man ,i shouldnt have drank that code red. hope you are sleeping soundly as i’m sure you are. you are a funnyyybunnny. love you boo bear.*

remember that one time you were in osh kosh (bi gosh) and i missed you a lot cuz you were super busy? ya, well i’m glad thats in the past and i get to talk to you for HOURS today :) i love you babe. miss you (13 days!)*

As you can tell, this kind of love-laced poetry cannot be fictionalized. It can only be inspired. If you follow this guide, you too can hope to one day achieve this, the highest level of romantic nirvana. Tune in next week for another guide to coping with something that you obviously need help coping with.

*Denotes direct, vomit-inducing quotes.

“Schnuckums!? Are you listening to me?”

“Uh…” You say, your voice waivering. “Yeah babe, I hear you.”

“Are you ready?” the predator bellows, baiting the prey.

“Ready for what… beautiful?” You reply, hoping that somehow the interrogative will provide you an escape while tossing in the compliment at the end to ease the delivery, like the flavoring those bastards put in NyQuil.

“Don’t even try that crap on me. Get off your ass. We’re going shopping.” The snare tightens around your feet. You’ve been caught. Resistance is now futile.

Now that you’ve been reduced to the status of indentured servant, there are a few things you must remember in order to survive. The full moon that is a monthly sale has turned your once kind, sweet girlfriend into a vicious, bloodthirsty monster. A wereshopper, if you will. Like a lycanthrope, but much more subtle in its preferred murderous methods.  You’re about to venture into a dark, dangerous place. Stick with me, and you’ll be stronger, more courageous, and not single when it’s over. Welcome to the jungle.

Do Not Opine
You are about to be bombarded by lies. She will ask you over and over “what you think” about “this dress” and “these pants” and “that girl’s butt.” She will tell you to “be honest” because she “seriously doesn’t care” and “really wants your input.” She will ask if you are “having fun” or “enjoying this time together” or if you think that shopping is still “excruciatingly painful and torturous.” DO NOT BELIEVE HER. She does not want to know what you really think. These are landmines that she is throwing in front of you, like some kind of horrible Super Mario level. To avoid them you must not under any circumstances give your honest opinion. You must tell her what she wants to hear. To determine what exactly that is, a good general rule is to take your actual opinion, and say exactly the opposite. Examples:

Scenario One: Beauty Contest

Her: Babe, that girl is so fat, right?

Your Actual Thoughts: Nope. She’s pretty hot actually. Do you know her?

What You Should Say Instead: What girl? Oh, that porker over there? Yeah. She’s a giant.

Scenario Two: Fashion Show

Her: Honey, how do these pants look on me?

Your Actual Thoughts: Yikes. Looks like half of your ass is trying to escape suffocation.

What You Should Say Instead: How do they feel?
(Based on her response, choose positive or negative)
Positive: For real, I think they frame your figure pretty well.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If she goes negative, that doesn’t mean you can agree with her. Find a way to agree with her without agreeing with her. Sound like some kind of psychological puzzle? Say hello to the female psyche.
Negative: They don’t look bad to me, but you know European sizes can be pretty weird. Why don’t you try on a few more pairs?

Have fun hanging on the rim comrade, because you just scored a slam dunk.

LET VICTORIA HAVE HER SECRETS
This is a survival tip that came straight from Survivorman Les Stroud himself. Your lady might throw some sort of sexy glance at you and say “hey… wanna help me pick out lingerie?” Sounds like a fun idea, right? You are being tempted by the devil. You might think this is like walking into the Victoria’s Secret Catalog you have stashed underneath your mattress, but you are actually walking into weeks of groveling and having to watch Matthew McConaughey movies. You will not be able to say anything right. See something you like? Here’s how her responses will go:

Her: Of course you like that. All that you think about is sex. You’re a pig.
or
Her: Seriously? That? What am I, a grandmother? You’re a pig.

There is literally no way to win. The best way to win is to stay out. Your feet hurt, you’re hungry, you have to call your mother, you want her to surprise you – it doesn’t matter. Piss your pants if you have to, just don’t go in there. Furthermore, you could gouge your eyes out with golden broaches Oedipus-style prior to walking into the store, but it wouldn’t make a difference. She’d still think you were looking at every other girl’s boobs in there. Not even looking at mannequins is safe. Even if she’s right (and she probably is), she’s bringing you into an woman’s underwear store that is literally wallpapered with scantily clad babes. What the hell does she expect? Unless she thought she was dating a eunuch, she can’t expect you to avert your eyes from every cleavage chasm around you. You can’t put metal next to a magnet and get pissed when it gets pulled in. It’s science.

There you have it my brothers. If any of you have any tips you’d like to add to help your fellow man survive this treacherous landscape, please feel free to add them. Until next time, good luck.

There’s a little phenomenon I’ve noticed among women that I’ve found troublingly pervasive. It seems to be like some kind of mental infection. I guess they call that insanity, huh? Anyway, girl after girl, all over the country, they seem to suffer from the same disturbing delusion that is destroying more relationships every day. It is this delusion, not the gays, that is responsible for the degradation of marriage in today’s society.

The habitual crime is thus: Women believe that it is funny to men when they use fake accents.

Oh my gawd! I sound British, but I'm not! Hahahahahaahhaha!!!!!!1

I’m going to begin with the cold hard truth, ladies. Your accents – British, French Russian, whatever Asian accent it is that you think you’re doing – are not funny to men. Your girlfriends may laugh, but your girlfriends also like Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson movies. Do you see what I’m saying? Follow the logical progression here.

Y’all can get together and watch How to Lose Ghosts of Girlfriends While Failing to Launch in 10 Days and pretend that you talk like a gay German all you want, just don’t include us. There are plenty of things that we know that you do that we don’t want to hear about or participate in. One of those things is driving. I know you do it, but it’s terrifying to me, so I’d rather block it out. Another is voting. Our whole country has been suffraging since the 19th Amendment passed, that’s a fact. There’s a large group of other activities that involve the bathroom that I don’t care to think about enough to name, but I will tell you that showering is not a part of that group.

Then there are the things girls do when they’re “out with the girls” on “girl’s night.” Unless girl’s night involves showering, pillow fights, or cooking, we’re probably better off not knowing. I’m not telling you to stop doing those things, I’m just asking you to keep it within the circle of protective estrogen where those sorts of activities are kosher.

I can already hear the protests from some silly, silly girls: “My boyfriend thinks my accents are hilarious!”

No, no he doesn’t. Your boyfriend does, however, understand that sometimes women force men to lie to them. He probably learned that when you first said “My cousin Cheryl is so pretty, don’t you think?” or “This dress from high school still fits me, right?” If you wanted honest answers you’d be asking honest questions. All you really want is for him to affirm things you know aren’t true to compensate for your daddy issues or your eating disorders or your multiple personalities or whatever it is that makes you insecure and prone to impersonation based humor. So, because he’s a smart man, he picks his battles and laughs when you respond as a Ukrainian woman, even though he dies a little inside.

And don’t even start with the “double standard” crap, you Lifetime watchers. I keep my fart jokes, objectification of women, and excessive vulgarity with Dude’s Night. Maybe I laugh at accents that some of my bros do. Maybe I do some myself when I’m with my bros. You’ll never know, baby, because that time is for bros and not for hos.

To clarify, when I say “baby” I am of course referring to “any interested woman,” because due to some scientific mystery I am still single.

spelling "hot" incorrectly means it's sexier

Man, look at her over there, being all hott and stuff. Mmmm hmmm, hott with two t’s. Don’t you wish you could talk to her? Maybe for extended periods of time, perhaps via a telephonic device? That sounds like a fun idea. But how do you get to that point? It’s a treacherous trail to blaze, son. If you’re a total sissy, I mean. Then it’s treacherous. If you’re a sweet master of romance like myself, it’s just another phone number for my little black book. And by “little” I mean “the size of most dictionaries.”

You’re going to want to print this guide out, fold it up, and put it in your wallet. Discreetly pull it out and unfold it when you’re at a bar, a coffee shop, or Victoria’s Secret, having with you a step by step guide to getting that babe’s digits. Another idea – this is progressive, but it’ll show you’ve got heart – tattoo a summarized list on your forearm. That way, when you get this chick’s numero (that’s number in Spanish) and you fall in love Eharmony-style, you can show her that tatt and say “baby, that’s how bad I wanted to know your mind.” She’ll be gushing, friend. Gushing. It’s time. Walk with me.

Step One: Preparation
Before you move in for the kill, you have to make sure you’re fully prepared for the game of mind-chess you’re about to play. This is going to be a lot like a high school wrestling match. Lots of grappling and trying to push each other out of the circle of trust (I think that’s what it is, right?) except it’s you and a babe, so it’s not all ancient greeky homoerotic. Without the proper preparation you might as well continue living vicariously through your Sims character.

1. Sweat Like You’re the Biggest Loser
There’s nothing the ladies love more than l’odeur d’un homme, which I believe roughly translates into “the pungent smell of the sweat from your butt crack.” Do a bunch of jumping jacks, jog in place – whatever you have to do to saturate yourself in that wonderful salty substance that makes the ladies weep with joy. It has something to do with pheromones or estrogen, I don’t really get it, but there’s probably an article in Cosmo about it and how women can use it to be more effective in the bedroom.

2. Unbutton Your Shirt
This needs to be at least halfway. If you’re not wearing a button up shirt, I don’t even know what to do with you.

3. Eat Something Sloppy
Remember how back in the day, dudes were into fat chicks because it showed that they were wealthy? Weird how that’s kind of opposite now. Anyway, you need to eat some buffalo wings or some ribs before you get to sweeping this honey off her feet. Preferably with no hands. This is nonverbal communication that says “check it out, I can afford to take you on as many dates as you want as long as they’re to B-Dubs.”

Step Two: The Approach
Walk up to her. That’s… That’s it. If she looks like a nice, nurturing softy, you could trip and fall to build up some sympathy points. Use discretion, as this could backfire pretty easily. Happens to Kent all the time.

Step Three: Go Time
You’re sweaty, your shirt is open, and you’ve got mild chipotle sauce on your face. Some people – wrong people – might refer to you as “a walking Hurricane Katrina” or “Michael Moore every single day.” You know what they don’t understand? I’ll tell you. Have you seen Terminator 2? You know the T1000, this dude that’s made out of liquid metal? Yeah, that’s like you, but instead of metal you’re made of raw liquid masculinity.

Get down to business. It’s up to you to carry on the conversation with her. This is the “mind chess” I mentioned earlier. You’re going to want to take her knight with your bishop, or her queen with your rook, or… whatever metaphor works. I am available for real-time walk throughs like that epic weirdo Mystery, but the cost would likely drive the world into a much deeper recession. My time is a commodity. Seriously, people trade it. Know how the markets have rallied lately? You’re welcome.

Optional Opening Lines:
Here are a few opening lines you can use if you really can’t think of one yourself. Feel free to belch these to her or convert them to Old English (aka “the white man’s Ebonics”), it’s all gravy.

“You look like you’d make a great addition to my Dungeons and Dragons raiding party.”

“Lucky for you, I love women with mustaches.”

“Smell that? That’s the smell of a very healthy digestive system.”

“Looks like we could make the fat children I’ve always wanted.”

“This one girl I got pregnant looked a lot like you.”

“You look like your biological clock has almost run out.”

Did you just feel that spark in your mind? That’s called an epiphany, my friend. I just gave it to you. Bust out any one of these, and you’ll have digits in no time. Keep on living, gentlemen. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and thanks to me that sea looks a lot more like a barrel.

true love is hearts and circles shooting out of your head.

Yes, yes, I know. It’s been a long time since we’ve spent some time together, talking through our problems and becoming better people. I apologize for the hiatus of my massive wisdom. I’ve been busy writing my autobiography How to Cope with Being Awesome: The Life of Conor McCarthy. I’ve finally finished all 1200 pages of that though, and it’s time to get back to helping you navigate this horrifying labyrinth that is your everyday life. Today I’m going to guide you through the section of this maze that we call the First Date with some succulent bread crumbs of advice. Romance is near, friends. Walk with me.

First Things First
You’re already ahead of the game in that you’re going on a date at all.  You landed a phone number (most likely) and a date, so you at least have that trophy. No one can take that from you, even if your date decides that you’re “the creepiest guy she’s ever met” and that you “have the style of a Las Vegas street performer.” She’s a stinky skank anyway. (Yeah, that’s right Susan. Stinky. Like a petting zoo.) I’m going to split this guide into a section for the ladies and a section for the gentlemen. The first date experience is different for both genders, just like urinating.

All the Ladies in the House Say What!
Some dude used the killer “is that a mirror in your pocket” line on you and landed your number. Don’t feel bad for not playing hard to get. That line is like catnip for the ladies – there’s nothing you can do but surrender your phone number and then fan yourself afterward. But what now? How do you approach the “maiden voyage” of your new relationship? After all, this could be the story you tell your grand kids. Here are a couple important things to remember.

1. Violence Violence Violence
This is a very basic nonverbal communication strategy that shows interest, but not so much that it’s offputting. It hearkens back to a simpler time when communication was much clearer than it is now – second grade. If a girl liked a boy or vice versa,  violence would ensue. Lots of people out there want to tell us that we’ve “grown out of this” or that “mature people don’t communicate that way,” but who are these people who are trying to mislead us? Cat ladies and fat dudes that masquerade as chicks on myspace. They don’t know what they’re talking about. When he initially picks you up, kick him right in the shin. If you really want to say “hey, I’m a level headed girl with no emotional issues” you need to go for the gold. And by gold I mean kick him in the crotch. Only do that for a guy you really like though.

2. “The Mumble Laugh”
Never, ever, ever laugh with your mouth open. NEVER. This is the first date. You’ve really got to be cautious about the message you’re sending. What if you have puke breath? What if one of your teeth is loose, and then it shoots out of your mouth and into your date’s throat, causing asphyxiation and other wacky hijinks? Sound like a Ben Stiller movie? That could be your life. Calm down, calm down. There’s a way to avoid that kind of complete failure. Just laugh with your mouth closed. Go ahead, try it. See? Sound like someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? It totally does. Keep that up for the entire date and you’ll be just fine.

All My Homies in the House Say Hey!
So that one chick you’ve been messaging with on myspace finally agrees to meet you at IHOP. Congratulations, let’s hope she’s not one of those fat dudes I mentioned from before! Hahaha! Just kidding. No but really, you should be careful. Anyway, assuming she’s really a she and not Trey that lives in his mother’s basement, here’s a couple rules to follow to make sure things go silky smooth.

1. Momma’s Boy
Girls want a guy that is close with his mother. That means the dude will have a good relationship with his wife in the future. What’s that? Freud said what? Yikes. Good thing this isn’t Ancient Greece, right? Anyway, you need to talk about your mom as much as possible. Does your date have nice earrings on? Tell her they look like a pair you’ve seen your mother wear before. Do you like her perfume? Tell her she smells like your mother. In the middle of the date, take a picture of her with your camera phone. Say “gotta send this to Mumsy to see what she thinks.” Three words will inevitably pop into her mind: Marry this man.

2. Fighter, not a Lover… Wait. Both.
99% of the purpose of the first date for a guy is impressing the girl. There are a lot of things that impress women: wealth, power, physical prowess, belch volume – just to name a few. But what can you do on a typical “dinner date” that will show her that your genes are indeed the best to combine with? Fight someone. It doesn’t matter who or for what reason, if any at all. Punch a waiter/ess. Make sure it’s someone you can take easily. An elderly man or an adolescent boy is always a solid choice. Nothing says virility and romance like punching a pubescent kid right in the forehead. She’ll probably high five you because that was awesome and then you’ll sit down and enjoy a wonderful dinner.

There you have it ladies and gents. Follow these steps and you’ll be well on your way to a long, beautiful relationship with the love of your life. Tune in again soon for another guide to coping with life’s toughest issues. Until then, best of luck.

The Honeymoon Stage

This month, you are going to experience VD. Now hold your horses, I’m not talking about that VD (no penicillin shots needed). I’m talking about the ancient Tanzanian holiday of Valentines Day. The day that tells your special someone “I love you enough to give you a card written by some other dude”. With that in mind, I, Benji Nelson, would like to talk to you about L.O.V.E..

Love. Two simple words that make the world go ’round.

Love. No matter what language you say it in, it’s pronounced differently.

Now, I don’t mean to boast, but my wife Frankie and I have learned a few things along the way. A few things that can help you keep your relationship as perky as ours. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, it’s time to get down to business. So below are some thoughts, gleanings, and tips that will get you and your special someone ready to embrace VD whole-heartedly.

1. Take time everyday to brush your partner’s hair. It’s really quite lovely.
2. Go to the grocery store together and buy a delicious peach. Then give that peach to the homeless man sitting on the corner.
3. Ignore the previous point. It apparently isn’t very effective.
4. Cook your Love a special meal once a month. Remember to prepare a meal your mate will enjoy, even if it’s disgusting.
5. Pretend to be interested in your significant other’s hobbies by asking detailed questions that will get them ‘jazzed up’.
6. Music is the language of the soul. Try slipping the soundtrack to “The English Patient” into your lover’s portable CD player before their next jog.
7. Once a week your partner should get the night off when it comes to meal preparations. Take him/her to the food court of your local mall. Tell them it’s your “second honeymoon”.
8. Get your back waxed. Trust me, she’ll notice.
9. Surprise them with the gift of pregnancy by sabotaging their birth control. Bet they didn’t see that one coming!
10. If all else fails, you can always get them in the mood with a great romantic gift. I’d suggest matching Snuggies.

If those 10 tips don’t work, your relationship is probably doomed from the start. I’d recommend cutting ties sooner rather than later. If you hustle, you still might be able to enjoy VD with a new special someone.

Now it’s your turn to help humanity. What tips and tricks have you found that grease the wheels of love?

Thanks to our friend Benji Nelson for his wise words on Romance – they have surely helped with my VD experience.

We’ve all been there before. There’s a girl. Let’s call her Michelle. That’s a hot name, but not like crazy, inaccessible hot. Michelle’s not just any girl. She’s smart, sweet, funny – gosh is she funny! – and caring. She’s an angel. When she came into your life, it’s like the sun was shining for the first time. And she’s a babe too, oh yes she is. She’s more beautiful than any woman you’ve ever seen, even in the movies or those Victoria’s Secret catalogs you stole from your sister. The two of you are inseparable. You hang out all the time, laughing, falling into piles of leaves, staring up at the stars as you talk about dreams of the future, and misreading each others signals and intentions. It’s just magical. You’re best friends, but you know that’s not all there is to it. Destiny put you two together when she sat next to you in math class/bumped into you at youth group/spilled a searing hot coffee on you at Starbucks, causing a piercing girl-scream to erupt from your mouth followed by an impressive repertoire of vulgarities. It was like something out of the movies; how could it end up as anything other than life-long love and the production of numerous fat, happy babies? You’re just biding your time until she looks longingly into your eyes and whispers “I want to know what love is. I want you to show me.” Oh man, how sweet that will be when it inevitably happens! But until then, how do you bide your time?

Step One: Grin and Bear It
Girls are stupid. Everybody knows that. Especially about love. You see, she loves you but she doesn’t know that she loves you even though it’s like totally obvious to you. You’ve got to hang around and give her time to figure it out. Besides, being friends isn’t so bad is it? You still get to spend time with your dream girl. And since she’s so comfortable (a.k.a. “in love”) with you, you get to do really fun (a.k.a. “torturously sexual”) things like give each other massages and rub sun-tan lotion on each others backs at the beach.
“What? No way Michelle, that bikini doesn’t make your butt look fat. Sure I’ll look. You want to try on a few others? Yeah, no problem. I’ll definitely tell you which one makes your figure look best.”
So coy! She doesn’t know what she’s doing… She knows exactly what she’s doing. She can’t possibly think you’re asexual, right?! Come on! She’s not naive. No way. You may feel like punching yourself in the face until you’re officially concussed, but it’s 100% worth it. Just remember: delayed gratification. Patience.

Step Two: Drop Hints About Your True Feelings
Since she’s so oblivious to her own feelings, she might need you to leave a trail of breadcrumbs for her to follow home. Home being her love for you, of course. It has to be clear enough that she’ll see it, but not so clear that it will be creepy and push her away. Some ideas:
1.) If you’re talking about the kind of people that you could see yourself marrying, describe her. Exactly. Even use her name. And then say something like “It’s so weird, how like, that’s so much like you, right? I mean, that’s probably why we’re such good friends!!! Ha ha ha!” Subtle, yet effective.
2.) When a romantic song comes on the radio, tell her that it makes you think of her. Gauge her reaction. If she looks uncomfortable, cover your tracks: “But like, not in a romantic way or anything. Unless you’re into that. Then it’s in a romantic way. But if not that’s totally cool and we’re just friends and I don’t practice asking you to marry me every day.” So covert, it’s almost subliminal.
3.) Ask her to every school dance/formal event that comes up. She’ll probably wait to give you an answer. Some might say it’s because she wants to see if anyone else will ask. They might say that you’re just a last resort. They obviously don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, do they? Again, she’s clearly in denial about her feelings for you. When she says “Okay, but just as friends,” nonchalantly respond “Yeah, of course. What else could it be?” That’ll confuse her real good. First comes confusion, then hopeless infatuation. Just a matter of time.

Step Three: Sabotage, Sabotage, Sabotage
Little miss “I love to kid myself” will probably talk about other boys she’s interested in order to try to pretend that your relationship is only platonic. Nice try, Houdini, but we’re not falling for that illusion! Nevertheless, you need to do everything you can to shed a negative light on every single guy she talks about. Not because you’re worried that they actually have a chance, of course! It’s really just to continue to prove how you’re the best man for the job. Potential scenarios:
1.) Her: Oh, John is so dreamy.
You: John? He’s gay. Serious. Saw him reading Cosmo. And then he said he likes Friends.
Her: That doesn’t really mean he’s gay.
You: Well, after that I saw him kiss a dude. No wait, two dudes. Yeah. Two. At once. Super gay.
2.) Her: Donald is such a nice guy.
You: He punched my grandmother once.
Her: (laughing)
You: (tearing up) How could you laugh at that? She died.
Her: I… I didn’t know. (holds you)
You: (thinking to yourself) Cha-ching!
3.) Her: I’m really glad Mike is in my life.
You: Total douche.
Her: He’s my brother.
You: Still. Douche.

That will show her that no man could ever measure up to your greatness and security.

And finally, you have to have The Insurance Policy. Just in case the unthinkable happens and she doesn’t realize that she’s completely in love with you, make a pact with her. It should read something like this: “If both of us are still unmarried by age , then we’ll marry each other.” The earlier the age, the better. It should be written. Get her to sign it. And notarize it. Make it presentable in court. But honestly, it won’t be necessary. Just hold the line. She’ll come around any day now. They always (never) do!

Tune in next week for How to Cope with Being a Neo-Liberal Christian: A Guide