That, loyal TTM readers, is what I’ve been telling people for the past two weeks. The whole world has been in mourning, and I have been loving it. Did you see all those prisoners in the Philippines that did the Thriller jig? That little diddy got more news coverage than the tsunami I used to destroy Australia. JK I didn’t do that, but for real it was a great decoy. We tried doing something like that here in hell to celebrate, but tormented souls don’t dance so well when they’re on fire and are being reminded of all of their worst nightmares at the same time. I know. Lame.

Anyway, even the Iranians stopped protesting their most recent election to mourn the loss of MJ. I’m sure they’re happy that they aren’t so distracted by all those stupid shows about “revolution” and “injustice” that were always on so that they could catch all the beautiful specials that have been on CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, Telemundo, CNBC, MSNBC, FOX, FOXNews, E!, and Lifetime. It’s just like I said to them, “Hey guys, look over there!” and when they turned to see what it was that I was pointing at, I destroyed any sign of democracy in their nation and any hope of change. And they didn’t even care! It was like I was a fat kid in a candy store, or a pedophile at the Harry Potter premiere. I was in absolute hell! Oh, that’s good for me, by the way.

The saddest part about it all is that now Michael Jackson is truly dead. The funeral is over, taxpayers are paying for it, (boo-yah! Count that one more point for me, sluts!) and the world is once again concerned with “real news.” I can no longer go around tormenting humans without anyone caring because everyone is too busy forgetting about that time MJ settled out of court for $25 million for not molesting a child. Do you know how many old ladies got hit by cars because the driver was busy watching Sparkle Jackson (or whatever her name is) cry on their iPhone? Let me tell you the number was higher than usual, just like I was higher than usual on PCP. And by PCP I mean on pain and suffering, I don’t do drugs. You should totally check them out though, they’re like candy in pill form.

I rained out over 500 weddings, I cursed the Chicago Cubs (again), I provided giant zits for hundreds of first dates, and you know that worthless idiot two cubicles over that plays Facebook Scrabble all day long and absolutely loves Puddle of Mudd? Yeah, he got a promotion. I was spilling hot coffee on so many brand new shirts and blouses that it became a habit. There are some upset demons with stained J. Crew shirts down in hell, let me tell you.

But that’s all over now. For two weeks I was running around the world with impunity.  It was like I had just gotten one of the lightning bolts in Mario Cart and everyone else was slow and tiny.  Now I’m just plain old Yoshi again. I mean I guess it’s cool how some people in the world are still sad. Naturally, I dig that kind of thing. And I guess it’s good that Latoya, Janet, and Jermaine Jackson are all back in the spotlight again. They do such good work. I guess I’ll go back to subversively scaring children as “The Boogie Man” or “Eddie Murphy” again. Oh well…

In fact, my recent experience with involuntary volunteerism is what I wanted to discuss with you all today.  Long story short, an overzealous judge in Madison, Wisconsin, used an archaic loophole in the penal code to implicate me in the serial vandalizing of several local nursing homes.  (I mean, yes, it was my idea, but I wasn’t the one putting grim reaper statues outside the windows, and I certainly wasn’t the one greasing the wheelchair ramps.)  Without anything remotely resembling due process, I was treated to a rather stern tongue-lashing and ordered to perform 100 hours of civic service.

As you might imagine, I am opposed to service of all kinds, community or otherwise.  This is, of course, in keeping with my broader opposition to anything that does not result in war, pestilence, poverty, or public embarrassment.  This made the completion of my penance difficult.  How could I placate this mustachioed, Midwestern magistrate without undoing any of the evil that I have painstakingly sown on Earth?  I was in a real pickle.  Then, during one of my weekly visits to the demon’s playground, which you people know as the Internet, I discovered something called “animal shelters.”  And just like that, my problem was solved.

Have you guys heard of these?  They’re these places you can go where you spend time “serving” and “helping out” without having to endure the disagreeable side-effect of improving the quality of life for another human being.  How great is that?!  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d much rather be hanging out in Michael Vick’s basement, but if I’ve got to be “making a difference” I’d much rather make a difference in the life of a parakeet than a person.

Now, I don’t want to send the wrong impression here.  Many people assume I am an animal lover because I have hooves, horns and a prehensile tail.  To those people, I say two things.  First of all, I’m preparing to undergo reconstructive plastic surgery to correct some of those unfortunate “birth marks.”  So back off!  Secondly, I am not so much a lover of animals as a hater of peoples.  That being the case, you can imagine my relief when I discovered my debt to the elderly people of Madison could be repaid without actually helping any of them!  It’s a win, win, lose situation!  I get the judge off my back, a couple dogs get sponge baths, and humanity is still mired in hopelessness and grief.  Perfect!

I was also thrilled to find that these shelters rely on charitable donations to survive.  I was looking to get a tax break on all the royalties I’ve been collecting from Daughtry’s latest album, and I think I just found the ticket!  I get to feel the smug self-satisfaction of charitable giving without having to worry about any of the reduced poverty, eradicated disease, or improved education that usually accompanies it!  I tell ya, it hasn’t been this easy to not make a difference since I bought my first “Free Tibet” bumper sticker back in the 80s.

Hell, I’m so amped on animals right now I think I might become a vegetarian while I’m at it!

With all the usual wishes for melancholy and infinite sadness,

Satan

Ruler of the Underworld and Deputy Mayor of Las Vegas

P.S. I haven’t been allowed to watch the game yet, but I’m feeling good about the Steelers’ chances on Sunday.

We were talking, and Tom said something that really resonated with me: “You know the world is going to hell in a handbasket when companies are begging the government for money left and right. Trust me, I know a lot about hell and handbaskets. And insane cults.” I heard that and I was all like, “yeah, you really do know a lot about those things.” And then Tom started foaming at the mouth, so we had to put him down.

That led me to a question: how come nobody has bothered asking me for a hand? Hello! My resources are… How should I say… Unlimited? So what if they were acquired in “dishonest ways” with “weeping and gnashing of teeth.” It’s not like the government is any better. Can I get an “amen?” Just kidding.

Anyway, if those GM CEO’s would just hop on their private jets and roll on out here to the 90210 where I live, I’d gladly give them a boost (don’t act surprised, you always knew I lived here). Inefficiency? Low quality? Blatant disregard for environmental issues? Zero new ideas in the past two decades? What more could a devil ask for in a car company? These are just the kinds of guys I want on my payroll. Besides, I need a new project. I’m getting bored running OPEC.

And no, I wouldn’t want them to give me their souls in return. Normally I would, but these guys ponied those up years ago. You don’t want to know what for, but I’ll just tell you that the Chrysler guy was a really big fan of the Dukes of Hazzard. Any more details and things would get weird. No, I’m looking for something more unique for payment this time around. I know what you’re thinking; “What do you give the guy that already has your very soul?” That’s a good question. Usually when someone comes back to make a deal after paying with their soul I ask for their firstborn son or I laugh really evil-like and challenge them to a fiddling duel. It’s time for a change, though. This time the payment is going to be a little hell on Earth. Don’t worry, I’ve come up with quite a few different options for you to choose from.

1.) Vote Hilton-Lohan 2012
2.) High School Musical 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…
3.) Larry the Cable Guy writes all comedy for the next 10 years
4.) Braveheart, Miracle on 34th Street, and LOTR will be refilmed with Nicolas Cage playing every part
5.) All soft drinks will be replaced with Fresca and all beers replaced with Natural Ice
6.) Carson Daly will host every show on TV.
7.) Radio plays only Limp Bizkit, Yoko Ono, and The Jonas Brothers
8.) Mustaches will be “in”
9.) Michael Moore will talk and you will have to listen.
10.)Oreos will now be stuffed with either mayonnaise or bleu cheese.

So there you have it. Take your pick and I’ll moisten up that dry credit market like Jergen’s on eczema.

Until we meet again (that blind date you’re going on next week),

- Satan

UPDATE

I asked our frequent guest writer Zac Chastain for some ideas to add to the list… This is what he came up with:

1.) Crying babies on every airplane, and alcohol does not exist.
2.) New Jersey sorority chick who says “random!” attends every party, and alcohol does not exist.
3.) WNBA becomes only televised sport, and alcohol does not exist.
4.) Elderly people who go on rants cannot be stopped by saying “I really have to go” or more firmly “Mrs. Ketchum, I’m late” and are allowed to monologue ad infinitum– and alcohol does not exist.
5.) Rosie O’Donnell continues to exist, and alcohol does not exist.

After all, as Benjamin Franklin wisely said: “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

Thanks, Zac.

But, what am I saying?  That’s not what you came here for.  Our time is brief (and by “our” I mean “your”) so lets get down to brass tacks.  As the Prince of Darkness and Commander-in-Chief of All Evil Forces Above and Below the Earth (CCAEFABE) people are constantly pestering me with all manner of trivial and uninteresting questions.  Did you invent the Dentist?  No, but he is a close friend.  Can one actually swim in the Lake of Fire?  Yes, from 12pm-8pm daily and from 8am-10pm on the weekends.  How do you feel about the way you are portrayed in popular literature and film?  Mostly ambivalent.  R.L. Stine probably came the closest to getting me right.

Yet more than anything, people are constantly inquiring about my political leanings.  People assume that, as the CCAEFABE, I have the ability to shape coup d’etats, military juntas, and prom queen elections to my liking.  This is true only in part.  Yes, I have been a registered voter for the past two and a half centuries, and yes, I often use movies like The Golden Compass and The Da Vinci Code to speak my message to the masses, but when it comes right down to it, I’m only one principality of the underworld, and my vote counts the same as yours.  (It counts slightly more than she-devil votes as she-devils are still regarded as only 3/5 of a demon.)

Do I use that vote to expand my kingdom of darkness?  Of course I do.  I write myself in.  With the exception of 1988 when I voted for Dukakis, I have written my name on ballots in almost 350 local, state and national elections.  Some of you may call this practice wasteful, but you would be wrong.  Turns out a lot of people routinely write “Satan” on their ballots.  In fact, I was almost elected mayor of New Orleans in 2004.  Of course, the city was destroyed by water the following year, but my contacts in Heaven assure me that that was just a coincidence.  Point being, my political movement is gaining steam.

That being said, some of the more astute of you have already identified Barack Obama as perhaps the only person more qualified than myself to run this country.  Points to you!  In fact, I did vote for Mr. Obama earlier this month, but it’s probably not for the reasons you think I did.  Well yes, he is my son, but that’s not the only reason.  He also happens to be a smoker, which I have a great deal of respect for.  He’s smart enough to know what tar and nicotine are doing to his body, but he does it anyway!  The gall!  The stone-faced indifference!  That’s exactly the kind of “devil may care” attitude we need in the White House.  And yes, I do care.

Also, I appreciate his stance on homosexuality.  As you may suspect, I am a big supporter of the GLBT cause, and no, it’s not because it is clearly opposed by scripture (although, usually that’s reason enough).  It just so happens that some of my most loyal supporters – Ryan Seacrest, Carson Daly, and Oprah to name a few – happen to be gay, and I like to throw them a bone whenever I can.

Lastly, but most significantly, John McCain is a bit jowly for my taste.  Didn’t look very “presidential” if you ask me.  Additionally, his running mate was clearly anointed with supernatural powers of some sort and, as a rule, I try to avoid those people.  And what’s this I hear about him referring to his time in a Vietnamese torture camp as “hell on earth” or “a living hell?”  What the H-E-double hockey sticks is that all about?  (haha, nice one Satan)  He ignores my frequent invitations to visit, and then he turns around and mouths off about my home?  As if he knows what it’s like down here.  I mean seriously, how pretentious can a person get?

So there you have it.  Yes, I voted for Obama. Yes, I think he’ll do a great job running the world.  I mean America.  Is he the anti-christ?  Too soon to tell.  We’re still doing interviews, and he’ll get the same consideration as all the other candidates.  I’ll let you know as soon as I know.