Luckily, even though the closest thing I’ve had to a child was a flower some chicks gave me in college that died because I forgot to water it for a week, I’ve been inspired (probably by God, but no guarantees) with a few hundred words of wisdom to guide you through the crap-caked puberty maze that is child rearing.

Part 1: Babies

Let’s get one thing straight. You hate babies. I get it. They don’t talk, they force you to abandon sleep, which you love more than almost anything, and their digestive tract is connected directly to hell. Babies are dumb and selfish and mostly no fun. And super, super breakable. One second the baby is having a good time with the weed-eater, the next second child services is trying to tell you how to be a parent. The hell do they know, right? After nine months of sitting on their asses and literally leeching off of you, you’d think babies wouldn’t be such… babies.

Here are two easy steps for handling these useless nightmares until they’re old enough to contribute:

1. Neglect:
If there’s one thing I learned growing up in an Irish home, it’s that you have to fend for yourself. Teach that lesson to your baby. Why should you have to change a diaper? You didn’t crap your baby’s pants did you? No. That baby knows damn well where the toilet is, it’s just being lazy. A few days of wallowing in its own filth will teach it to get up and take its nasty-butt business to the commode, where it belongs.

And breast feeding? Yougottabekiddingme! First of all, Oedipus, gross. Second of all, Maxim has taught us that boobs are for smashing into bras that are three sizes too small. That is NOT for you to munch on, munchkin. Toss your baby a Powerbar and a half gallon of milk. When the baby gets hungry, it’ll figure it out.

Got something to do? Got a TV? Problem solved. Plop that baby in front of the TV with an episode of Skins and go take that much needed siesta, my friend. TV is the baby opium that moms have been praying for since opium was outlawed. It really doesn’t matter what you put on the TV. Babies don’t give a crap, they’ll watch anything. No standards, the monsters.

2. Take Your Baby Everywhere:
Babies don’t know anything about the world. They’ve spent the first nine months of their lives sitting around and mooching off of their moms like some sweaty WoW addict. No more of that, kiddos. Going to see the latest horror flick, “The Exorcism of the Haunted Scream Halloween Saw: REAL3DTOtheMAX”? Bring your baby along. Everyone in the theater is going to respect you for it. You’re making the hard decision. Sure, maybe your baby will cry, scream, and beg you in baby language to take it home, but you’re the parent that clearly knows best. Stop crying and learn English, baby, and then maybe we can have a real conversation about how watching demons explode out of people’s eyes will put hair on your chest and prepare you to be a well-rounded, non-cannibalistic, non-satanic, non-serial killer when you grow up.

Pretty much every other place you might go is a good place to bring a baby. Crime scene? This is real life. Get used to it. Gym? You’re fat, baby. The world hates fat people. Booby bar? I know you love boobies. Look but don’t touch.

If there does happen to be a situation where, for some weird reason, you decide you’d rather not bring your newborn child, just leave it in the car.

And that’s it. Two easy steps for getting by until your baby becomes a human. Give me a week or twelve and I’ll hit you up again with the next step in How to Cope with Parenting: A Guide. Until then, get out there and show the world a new standard for parenting.

The social universe has an unspoken balance in place that ensures that life makes sense. We hang out with people as cool as we are, we date within our acceptable range, and people that are born into wealth and status run our countries. When some son of a bitch tries to upset that balance, bad things happen. Remember the French Revolution? That happened because one of Quasimodo’s descendants landed a smoking-hot art model. The Civil War? Some mustachioed sea donkey from the North decided she wanted to date a studly land owner from Alabama.  Name any natural disaster and it can be traced back to some fugly idiot not following the rules of romance. If you mess with the balance, the universe compensates with blood.

Despite this delicate equilibrium, matchmaking is never perfect. Occasionally it is so uneven that it elicits a deep sense of injustice from our communal soul, sort of like any time Keanu Reeves gets another acting gig. You know something isn’t right. You can feel it. Someone is getting something they don’t deserve.

So, you walking dumpster, how do you make things right once you have a hottie in your white-knuckled, kill-me-to-take-it grip? How do you cope with dating someone that is hotter than you? Grab your Moleskine and take a seat, my child. We have much to discuss.

One rule: Over Compensate
She’s a 10 and you’re a 3. That’s a pretty sizable gap, almost as significant as the one between your two front teeth. You’re going to need to string a rope-bridge across that dark chasm. When people see you with your deafeningly hot significant other, the comments will go something like this:

“Damn, (he/she) is so (hot/attractive/sexcellent). Why is (he/she) with that Seth Rogen look alike? Well, I guess (he/she) is at least (fill in the blank).”

That blank can be filled with a few different things that will help even the score between you and your walking fantasy.

That is one unattractive dude.

1. Get in ridiculous shape.
You can’t help having a Haitian Earthquake for a face, but you can blast your pecks into beautiful oblivion. Work out constantly, get really into triathlons, get ab implants – whatever you want. You need to work your way into the “butterface” zone so people may be able to shrug off the 7 point difference between you and the Greek sculpture you’re dating.

2. Get rich and/or famous.
Ideally this would happen before you start dating a walking masterpiece, but if you somehow win the lottery before buying the ticket you still have options. Are you talented? You’d better hope you are. It doesn’t matter if you’re the world’s greatest tap dancer or if you start the next Google, you just need to be on top of something. It can even be something nerdy like math or writing internet humor, people won’t care as long as they have a good reason not to kill you for upsetting cupid’s system. Hell, you may even be able to get away with being a second or third string celebrity/musician/mogul, you’ll just have to deal with more public anger and ridicule than you would have if you were Seal.

Apparently he's a great musician.

3. Get a horrible disease.
If all else fails, there’s always the “Make-A-Wish Foundation” route. This is the Hail-Mary of dating-up excuses, but it is also one of the hardest with which to argue. Example:
“Damn, that girl is fine. What’s she doing with that retarded hippopotamus?”
“Bro, you’re an asshole. That guy has EbolasyphillAIDS. He’s already died like three times.”
You’re clearly not otherwise qualified to bask in the magical fairy-glow of hotness that shines forth from your spouse, but somehow you’ve earned it by suffering so hard that even Job says “yikes, that sucks.”

Follow these rules and you might be able to avoid getting hit by a meteor for dating someone that even blind people can tell is better looking than you.

Enjoy pointing out who got the sweeter deal in a relationship? Roll on over to SheWonHeWon.com and vote on hotness to your heart’s content!

Isn’t love amazing? It really is. Nothing else like it. Not even drugs. It’s a rare and beautiful thing when you finally meet that special someone. Who knows where cupid struck you both with his arrow? Maybe you had a class together. Maybe you met through a friend. Maybe you met on Myspace. Whatever the medium upon which your personal Romeo and Juliet began (except without the mutual suicide!), I’m sure you’ve experienced just how hard it is to keep that fireball of romance to yourself. Luckily for you, we here at The Talking Mirror are in the self-help business and have come up with a guide just for you and your boo bear.*

Step One: Always Maintain Physical Contact
No matter what happens, never forget this step. Your love will explode into a dust of broken promises and insecurities you never knew you could have. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whoever you’re with; none of it matters. The rule always applies. You must always be touching each other. It doesn’t have to be normal or even practical. It just has to be. Common examples:

The “arm around the waist even while walking, running, swimming, or sitting.” This is a pretty common choice amongst the love-stricken. Keep your arm around your lover’s waist no matter how inconvenient it may get, even as you try to run up the escalator or go through airport security. If you don’t, they will disappear instantly. Guaranteed.

The “constant hand-hold.” While more subtle than the arm around the waist, the hand-hold is no less dedicated. No matter what happens, you never let go of that hand. Got sweaty palms? Tough crap, son. You think love is for the weak? Let me tell you, it’s not. Walking through a crowd? You hold on for dear life. What if you get separated?! I… I can’t even bear the thought. Do whatever you have to in order to maintain the hand-hold. Clothes-hang a passer-by, knock over a food stand, step directly on the neck of a puppy – it doesn’t matter. You know what matters? Never letting go. If you let go, they’ll know that you don’t love them anymore and never did.

The “touch, just because.” This move really only belongs in a sitting position and ideally when you’re with a large group of people that obviously don’t know enough about how much you love each other. First, you must be sitting next to each other. Gosh, that was a dumb thing for me to tell you to do! There’s no way two people in love could ever sit anywhere but next to each other! You knew that. Sorry. Anyway, the important part is to try to stay within reason while still maintaining contact. A hand on the knee, shoulders touching, hand affectionately scratching the back, or toes intertwined: take your pick, it’s all golden and will ensure that your love will stay alive forever and ever and ever and ever.

Step Two: Constantly be Together
Remember when you weren’t in love? I know, me neither! But seriously, try to imagine. You were one person. Three weeks later, you’re in love. Know what you are now? A two person unit. Friends wanna hang out? They get the packaged deal. All or nothing, ladies and gentlemen. These two hearts are now one heart. Know what happens if they separate? They freaking die. And it’s bloody. Nobody wants that. Maybe you’re still in high school or college. Guess what? It’s time to go visit your adviser/counselor to make sure you have all the same classes. And, as we said before, you obviously have to sit next to each other. Maybe you’re at a party. Do you mingle with the other guests? Do you go downstairs to play Rock Band with the bro’s? Do you use the restroom? Absolutely not. You sit or stand together in one section of the party for the entirety of your stay. If people want to talk to you, they can come to you. You should also leave the party relatively early because you “had plans,” which should mean that you’re going to snuggle up on the couch and watch Scrubs on DVD.

Step Three: Let the World (Internet) Know
It’s time to show the entire world just how much you love each other via the intertron.

3.1) First and foremost, update your Facebook and Myspace relationship statuses. If you don’t do this, your relationship is a lie.
3.2) Next, change your profile picture to one that features you and your soul mate. This can be any sort of picture – laughing together, making silly faces using your macbook’s camera, or maybe a formal pose from prom or homecoming or when you went to see High School Musical. There’s one profile picture that trumps them all, though. It will tell the world that your love is so lovey and warm and real and eternal that really, no one else could understand it. What is it, you ask? The kissing picture. That’s right. You get some lucky bystander to snap a pic of you two smooching and make that your profile picture. Trust me. The second anyone sees that picture they’ll say to themselves “Wow. That’s not nauseating at all. That’s beautiful. That’s the kind of love I wish I had.”
3.3) And finally, it’s time to post affectionate things on each other’s walls. The following are real life examples from people whose love obviously conquers all, even grammar and spelling.

so i kinda sorta maybe rEAllY love YOU! miss you boo. 3 weeks and counting….1 year and 53 days and counting till something else and HAPPY four months. gah, i love you boo. xoxo*

go to bed you drunkbutttttt. i’m still up! oh man ,i shouldnt have drank that code red. hope you are sleeping soundly as i’m sure you are. you are a funnyyybunnny. love you boo bear.*

remember that one time you were in osh kosh (bi gosh) and i missed you a lot cuz you were super busy? ya, well i’m glad thats in the past and i get to talk to you for HOURS today :) i love you babe. miss you (13 days!)*

As you can tell, this kind of love-laced poetry cannot be fictionalized. It can only be inspired. If you follow this guide, you too can hope to one day achieve this, the highest level of romantic nirvana. Tune in next week for another guide to coping with something that you obviously need help coping with.

*Denotes direct, vomit-inducing quotes.

“Schnuckums!? Are you listening to me?”

“Uh…” You say, your voice waivering. “Yeah babe, I hear you.”

“Are you ready?” the predator bellows, baiting the prey.

“Ready for what… beautiful?” You reply, hoping that somehow the interrogative will provide you an escape while tossing in the compliment at the end to ease the delivery, like the flavoring those bastards put in NyQuil.

“Don’t even try that crap on me. Get off your ass. We’re going shopping.” The snare tightens around your feet. You’ve been caught. Resistance is now futile.

Now that you’ve been reduced to the status of indentured servant, there are a few things you must remember in order to survive. The full moon that is a monthly sale has turned your once kind, sweet girlfriend into a vicious, bloodthirsty monster. A wereshopper, if you will. Like a lycanthrope, but much more subtle in its preferred murderous methods.  You’re about to venture into a dark, dangerous place. Stick with me, and you’ll be stronger, more courageous, and not single when it’s over. Welcome to the jungle.

Do Not Opine
You are about to be bombarded by lies. She will ask you over and over “what you think” about “this dress” and “these pants” and “that girl’s butt.” She will tell you to “be honest” because she “seriously doesn’t care” and “really wants your input.” She will ask if you are “having fun” or “enjoying this time together” or if you think that shopping is still “excruciatingly painful and torturous.” DO NOT BELIEVE HER. She does not want to know what you really think. These are landmines that she is throwing in front of you, like some kind of horrible Super Mario level. To avoid them you must not under any circumstances give your honest opinion. You must tell her what she wants to hear. To determine what exactly that is, a good general rule is to take your actual opinion, and say exactly the opposite. Examples:

Scenario One: Beauty Contest

Her: Babe, that girl is so fat, right?

Your Actual Thoughts: Nope. She’s pretty hot actually. Do you know her?

What You Should Say Instead: What girl? Oh, that porker over there? Yeah. She’s a giant.

Scenario Two: Fashion Show

Her: Honey, how do these pants look on me?

Your Actual Thoughts: Yikes. Looks like half of your ass is trying to escape suffocation.

What You Should Say Instead: How do they feel?
(Based on her response, choose positive or negative)
Positive: For real, I think they frame your figure pretty well.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If she goes negative, that doesn’t mean you can agree with her. Find a way to agree with her without agreeing with her. Sound like some kind of psychological puzzle? Say hello to the female psyche.
Negative: They don’t look bad to me, but you know European sizes can be pretty weird. Why don’t you try on a few more pairs?

Have fun hanging on the rim comrade, because you just scored a slam dunk.

LET VICTORIA HAVE HER SECRETS
This is a survival tip that came straight from Survivorman Les Stroud himself. Your lady might throw some sort of sexy glance at you and say “hey… wanna help me pick out lingerie?” Sounds like a fun idea, right? You are being tempted by the devil. You might think this is like walking into the Victoria’s Secret Catalog you have stashed underneath your mattress, but you are actually walking into weeks of groveling and having to watch Matthew McConaughey movies. You will not be able to say anything right. See something you like? Here’s how her responses will go:

Her: Of course you like that. All that you think about is sex. You’re a pig.
or
Her: Seriously? That? What am I, a grandmother? You’re a pig.

There is literally no way to win. The best way to win is to stay out. Your feet hurt, you’re hungry, you have to call your mother, you want her to surprise you – it doesn’t matter. Piss your pants if you have to, just don’t go in there. Furthermore, you could gouge your eyes out with golden broaches Oedipus-style prior to walking into the store, but it wouldn’t make a difference. She’d still think you were looking at every other girl’s boobs in there. Not even looking at mannequins is safe. Even if she’s right (and she probably is), she’s bringing you into an woman’s underwear store that is literally wallpapered with scantily clad babes. What the hell does she expect? Unless she thought she was dating a eunuch, she can’t expect you to avert your eyes from every cleavage chasm around you. You can’t put metal next to a magnet and get pissed when it gets pulled in. It’s science.

There you have it my brothers. If any of you have any tips you’d like to add to help your fellow man survive this treacherous landscape, please feel free to add them. Until next time, good luck.

spelling "hot" incorrectly means it's sexier

Man, look at her over there, being all hott and stuff. Mmmm hmmm, hott with two t’s. Don’t you wish you could talk to her? Maybe for extended periods of time, perhaps via a telephonic device? That sounds like a fun idea. But how do you get to that point? It’s a treacherous trail to blaze, son. If you’re a total sissy, I mean. Then it’s treacherous. If you’re a sweet master of romance like myself, it’s just another phone number for my little black book. And by “little” I mean “the size of most dictionaries.”

You’re going to want to print this guide out, fold it up, and put it in your wallet. Discreetly pull it out and unfold it when you’re at a bar, a coffee shop, or Victoria’s Secret, having with you a step by step guide to getting that babe’s digits. Another idea – this is progressive, but it’ll show you’ve got heart – tattoo a summarized list on your forearm. That way, when you get this chick’s numero (that’s number in Spanish) and you fall in love Eharmony-style, you can show her that tatt and say “baby, that’s how bad I wanted to know your mind.” She’ll be gushing, friend. Gushing. It’s time. Walk with me.

Step One: Preparation
Before you move in for the kill, you have to make sure you’re fully prepared for the game of mind-chess you’re about to play. This is going to be a lot like a high school wrestling match. Lots of grappling and trying to push each other out of the circle of trust (I think that’s what it is, right?) except it’s you and a babe, so it’s not all ancient greeky homoerotic. Without the proper preparation you might as well continue living vicariously through your Sims character.

1. Sweat Like You’re the Biggest Loser
There’s nothing the ladies love more than l’odeur d’un homme, which I believe roughly translates into “the pungent smell of the sweat from your butt crack.” Do a bunch of jumping jacks, jog in place – whatever you have to do to saturate yourself in that wonderful salty substance that makes the ladies weep with joy. It has something to do with pheromones or estrogen, I don’t really get it, but there’s probably an article in Cosmo about it and how women can use it to be more effective in the bedroom.

2. Unbutton Your Shirt
This needs to be at least halfway. If you’re not wearing a button up shirt, I don’t even know what to do with you.

3. Eat Something Sloppy
Remember how back in the day, dudes were into fat chicks because it showed that they were wealthy? Weird how that’s kind of opposite now. Anyway, you need to eat some buffalo wings or some ribs before you get to sweeping this honey off her feet. Preferably with no hands. This is nonverbal communication that says “check it out, I can afford to take you on as many dates as you want as long as they’re to B-Dubs.”

Step Two: The Approach
Walk up to her. That’s… That’s it. If she looks like a nice, nurturing softy, you could trip and fall to build up some sympathy points. Use discretion, as this could backfire pretty easily. Happens to Kent all the time.

Step Three: Go Time
You’re sweaty, your shirt is open, and you’ve got mild chipotle sauce on your face. Some people – wrong people – might refer to you as “a walking Hurricane Katrina” or “Michael Moore every single day.” You know what they don’t understand? I’ll tell you. Have you seen Terminator 2? You know the T1000, this dude that’s made out of liquid metal? Yeah, that’s like you, but instead of metal you’re made of raw liquid masculinity.

Get down to business. It’s up to you to carry on the conversation with her. This is the “mind chess” I mentioned earlier. You’re going to want to take her knight with your bishop, or her queen with your rook, or… whatever metaphor works. I am available for real-time walk throughs like that epic weirdo Mystery, but the cost would likely drive the world into a much deeper recession. My time is a commodity. Seriously, people trade it. Know how the markets have rallied lately? You’re welcome.

Optional Opening Lines:
Here are a few opening lines you can use if you really can’t think of one yourself. Feel free to belch these to her or convert them to Old English (aka “the white man’s Ebonics”), it’s all gravy.

“You look like you’d make a great addition to my Dungeons and Dragons raiding party.”

“Lucky for you, I love women with mustaches.”

“Smell that? That’s the smell of a very healthy digestive system.”

“Looks like we could make the fat children I’ve always wanted.”

“This one girl I got pregnant looked a lot like you.”

“You look like your biological clock has almost run out.”

Did you just feel that spark in your mind? That’s called an epiphany, my friend. I just gave it to you. Bust out any one of these, and you’ll have digits in no time. Keep on living, gentlemen. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and thanks to me that sea looks a lot more like a barrel.

About the advice you gave me… Look, let me just start by saying that I know you had good intentions. You meant well, and I appreciate your well-meaningness.You’re a good friend/mentor/parent/random acquaintance who asked “how are you” and got way more than you bargained for. I value you as a person and the fact that you cared enough to pull something out of your ass to try to guide me through life. I really do.

But we know what the road to hell is paved with, don’t we? American tax dollars! Just kidding, it’s good intentions like the ones you had. Your advice was not good, and since I’m the kind of ungrateful doucher who criticizes gifts freely given, I am going go critique you so that you can do better next time. Take a seat.

Let’s start with your tone. You see, I’m at a point in my life that some might define as “hopeless,” “disillusioned,” or “on the verge of joining the military.” What I need from you is pure, unadulterated, unfiltered positivity. You’re my cheerleader right now. You don’t have to be stupid or slutty. You just have to be positive. Tell me everything is going to be okay, even if you don’t know that to be true.You’re not an oracle. I know that.  Don’t tell me you don’t know the future. I don’t need to hear that, and we’re focusing on my needs because I’m a selfish bitch.

Too many advice givers make the mistake of thinking that I need to hear that “the real world is a tough place” and that I need to hear a perspective that isn’t “sugar coated.” That’s just back asswards. Life is kicking me repeatedly in the crotch. I don’t need you to tell me that life is hard. I know that very intimately. What makes you think that not sugar coating your advice is going to do me any good? I’ve had tons of sugarless life. My life-glucose level is dangerously low at this point. I need a high-sugar life candy bar to keep me alive. So come on now. Say something positive. Throw out a cliche you read on a bumper sticker or on a Christian bookmark. I really don’t give a damn. You’re my Obama, so give me the false-hope that I need to survive.

And now for your message. I asked you for advice on discerning my purpose in life, and you told me to “get out there and just do something.” What the hell kind of advice is that? Should I deal drugs? Should I move to Vegas and become a male prostitute? Hell, ponzi schemes seem lucrative (thanks for the idea Madoff!), why shouldn’t I do that? I realize I need to do something, I came to you for help figuring out just exactly what that something is. For you to repeat my question to me as an answer just puts me back at square one. Either that or square zero, having been discouraged so much that I lost a damn square. I need those squares right now man. I can’t afford to lose one.

So just for future reference, if someone like me asks you for advice about something and you really don’t have any good advice to give, just say “everything is going to be alright.” Because hey, guess what? It just might be true.

These are hard, hard times friends. The Dow Jones is binging and purging, the Nasdaq is anorexic, and the S&P… well the S&P was pretty emaciated before anyway. You’re low on cash, and no matter how many T.I. songs you listen to, you just don’t have any “rubber band banks” in your pocket with which to pay a fair wage to all your “ho’s.”  Well brothers and sisters, I’m hear to walk you through these penny-pinching times. There are plenty of ways to cut corners so that you can afford to continue to purchase reasonably priced Apple products. See that? That was sarcasm, and baby that stuff is free.

Unlike other guides, I’m going to provide the advice here in the first person. I’m here to lead by example through this post-apocalyptic land where even Kevin Costner can’t get work making crappy movies. That’s right, these are going to be my personal testimonies about my brilliant, money saving strategies. If there were an 800 number on the screen, this is where you would call now.

I Take Free Stuff
You ever hear of free? Free isn’t expensive. Free is actually pretty cheap. T.I. and Fitty Cent don’t EVER have songs about free stuff, because it costs exactly zero dollars and zero cents. No one wants to bounce to a hip hop jig about “dis bitchin two for one deal I got at Arby’s.” No, those gentlemen will not be penning any ballads in tribute to my current lifestyle. When I say “free stuff,” though, don’t be mistaken. I’m not only talking about Miller Lite promotional items you get at bars from immodestly dressed strumpets. Nor am I referencing the completely genuine diamond encrusted watch that you’ll receive if you just buy 25 years of magazine subscriptions. I am talking about taking things that are technically free, but likely aren’t intended to be pillaged. As you’re likely just as poor as I am (I’m thinking this way to prevent myself from hating you), you’ve probably spent a decent amount of time lately in fast food restaurants. Ever take a lustful glance at the condiment bar? God knows I have. And let me tell you, I let that temptation take over. Each time I leave a fast food restaurant, my pockets are lined with napkins, salts and peppers, ketchup packets, paper crowns, plastic utensils, and whatever the hell else I can take without threat of legal prosecution. Oh you laugh, but we’ll see who’s laughing when you have to spend $1.25 buying napkins at Target. Chumps!

This isn’t limited to fast food establishments. Nor is it limited to me. Here’s some input from our good friend Gretchen:

I [take] EVERYTHING from a hotel room. Soap, shampoo, sometimes a washcloth or two, tea bags, coffee, pens, pads of paper…  I’ve even considered the Bible but it was the Gideon’s so I thought better of it. And if I see an unmanned cart in the hallway you better believe I grab a couple extras for the road.

Wise words, Gretchen. You never really know when you’re going to need a shower cap. With the way hipsters are going lately, perms may be all the rage next month. You see how we don’t say “steal”? That’s because we’re not stealing. That stuff is free. Just because they don’t expect me to fill my backpack with napkins on the way out doesn’t mean I’m stealing. It simply means they weren’t prepared for the desperate measures that I’m taking during these desperate times. Other places to take free stuff: Job fairs, health fairs, any kind of fairs, banks (careful with that one, they’re sensitive to theft for some reason), and those demonstration tables at the grocery store where they’re giving Bagel Bites out for free.

According to one of our South African readers – we have thousands – free condoms are readily available in South Africa. You know what I’m thinking, right? Yeah, that’s right. Free entertainment! Fill those babies with water and you never have to buy balloons again. Blow them up for parties, make funny hats with them, or pull them over your face if you’re going to rob a convenience store. And hey, some of them come flavored, so I guess that means they’re edible in case you’re short on food. That’s why they’re flavored, right? Right?

I Reuse Everything
For those of you that are sexually active, this principle should not apply to the free condoms you packed your suitcase full of while in South Africa. This does apply to almost everything else, though. Plastic bags particularly. I have plastic bags that I’ve been using to carry certain things for – and I’m not kidding – years. And these aren’t high quality, ritzy plastic bags from Rodeo Drive or something. No, these are bags that I got at Target. I use them as trash bags, lunch bags, luggage, gift bags (that’s right, be grateful you got anything), shoe coverings for floody days, and whatever other random need I can think of. Plastic bottles are also great for reuse, although some people have told me something about some kind of bad chemical that gets loose and goes crazy in the bottle once you reuse it. Sound like a conspiracy theory started by the Big Plastic Bottle companies? I think so too. Besides, whatever that chemical is, it probably gets you high. Yep, for free. The values are everywhere. Some of those “green” people will call this “recycling” or something liberal like that. Make no mistake, I’m not doing this for the environment. I’m an American, there are only three people I care about: Me, Myself, and Paris Hilton. My motivations are always monetary, which is why I’m looking to marry a wealthy cougar (or Paris Hilton).

And that’s that, readers. Those are a few of the ways in which I cope with my brutal frugality. I hope that my wisdom can help guide you to a wealthier, more-paper-napkin-having life.

April Fool’s! Got you! Hilarious, right? A lot of your friends are going to think so too, and so I’ve created a guide in order to prepare you for what will no doubt be the funniest pranks ever thought up by mankind. You’re going to need to know how to react to these pranks so that your “friends” don’t get the glory or the satisfaction out of your humiliation/anger/deep, deep sadness. I am going to teach you how to “roll with the punches” so that you can save face, and in turn splash the cold ice water of “not funny” all over the faces of your friends.

Let’s start out with a basic rule: don’t believe anything anyone tells you on April Fool’s day, even if there is some kind of evidence proving they’re “not lying.” Some people will do anything just to be able to point and laugh at you and scream “oh, oh, I got you, oh, you’re so gotten, you’re an idiot, oh man, suck it,” until they pass out or until you violently murder them. If you see a building on fire and someone is reaching out of the window screaming for help, don’t fall for it. Those pranksters will go to the edges of the Earth just to see you blush in embarrassment after pulling an entire family out of a burning building only for everyone to turn on you and say “April Fool’s!” It’s not time to be had, it’s time to have.

Prank 1: Your girlfriend decides to prank you by cheating on you with your best friend.

Reaction: “Har dee har har, good one. Been there, done that and got the t-shirt, baby. I’m all about free love between friends so you can’t faze me with all your “screaming infidelities.” And also because I know first hand that your sister is a good kisser and your cousin wears pink underwear.”

the song you won’t be singing April 2nd.

Strategy: What you’re implementing here is what I call “the nonchalant smirk” approach. She drops this bomb on you, thinking she’s going to “April Fool’s” you into a teary break up and maybe a fist fight. This one is a no-go, little lady. You ice out her joke and flip it around on her, leaving her completely bamboozled. And hey, maybe you did smooch on her sister that one New Years down at the lake house; she’ll be so confused by the implosion of her joke that she won’t even remember to slap you.

Prank 2: Your friend decides to cut out the bottom of your computer bag, so that when you stand up to leave class your brand new MacBook Pro falls out and crashes onto the floor, exploding into hundreds of stylish pieces.

Reaction: Begin screaming automatically, but about your computer bag. Squeeze it and hold it tight, and talk about how it’s your favorite bag ever in the whole world. Refer to it with a female name, like “Suzy.” The key to this situation is to ignore the thousands of dollars that now lie shattered around your feet. If you can muster tears, absolutely do it. Refuse any consolation.

Strategy: This one here is called “the juke move.” Everyone in the room thinks you’re about to have a heart attack about your expensive piece of electronics that just met an untimely end, and then – whoa, what was that? Shazaam! You went the other direction and wept over the ruined bag. Satisfaction level for them: Zero. You might want to wait around until everyone has left so you can photograph the computer for insurance purposes, though.

Other things not to be fooled by: deaths, pregnancies, birthdays, “tattoos,” marriages, divorces, sobbing phone calls relating any kind of bad news (STD’s particularly), giddy phone calls relating any kind of good news (“you’re not a hermaphrodite!”), or conversions to Mormonism. Let’s make April Fool’s Day into… April Cool’s Day. Yeah, yeah… I like that.

true love is hearts and circles shooting out of your head.

Yes, yes, I know. It’s been a long time since we’ve spent some time together, talking through our problems and becoming better people. I apologize for the hiatus of my massive wisdom. I’ve been busy writing my autobiography How to Cope with Being Awesome: The Life of Conor McCarthy. I’ve finally finished all 1200 pages of that though, and it’s time to get back to helping you navigate this horrifying labyrinth that is your everyday life. Today I’m going to guide you through the section of this maze that we call the First Date with some succulent bread crumbs of advice. Romance is near, friends. Walk with me.

First Things First
You’re already ahead of the game in that you’re going on a date at all.  You landed a phone number (most likely) and a date, so you at least have that trophy. No one can take that from you, even if your date decides that you’re “the creepiest guy she’s ever met” and that you “have the style of a Las Vegas street performer.” She’s a stinky skank anyway. (Yeah, that’s right Susan. Stinky. Like a petting zoo.) I’m going to split this guide into a section for the ladies and a section for the gentlemen. The first date experience is different for both genders, just like urinating.

All the Ladies in the House Say What!
Some dude used the killer “is that a mirror in your pocket” line on you and landed your number. Don’t feel bad for not playing hard to get. That line is like catnip for the ladies – there’s nothing you can do but surrender your phone number and then fan yourself afterward. But what now? How do you approach the “maiden voyage” of your new relationship? After all, this could be the story you tell your grand kids. Here are a couple important things to remember.

1. Violence Violence Violence
This is a very basic nonverbal communication strategy that shows interest, but not so much that it’s offputting. It hearkens back to a simpler time when communication was much clearer than it is now – second grade. If a girl liked a boy or vice versa,  violence would ensue. Lots of people out there want to tell us that we’ve “grown out of this” or that “mature people don’t communicate that way,” but who are these people who are trying to mislead us? Cat ladies and fat dudes that masquerade as chicks on myspace. They don’t know what they’re talking about. When he initially picks you up, kick him right in the shin. If you really want to say “hey, I’m a level headed girl with no emotional issues” you need to go for the gold. And by gold I mean kick him in the crotch. Only do that for a guy you really like though.

2. “The Mumble Laugh”
Never, ever, ever laugh with your mouth open. NEVER. This is the first date. You’ve really got to be cautious about the message you’re sending. What if you have puke breath? What if one of your teeth is loose, and then it shoots out of your mouth and into your date’s throat, causing asphyxiation and other wacky hijinks? Sound like a Ben Stiller movie? That could be your life. Calm down, calm down. There’s a way to avoid that kind of complete failure. Just laugh with your mouth closed. Go ahead, try it. See? Sound like someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? It totally does. Keep that up for the entire date and you’ll be just fine.

All My Homies in the House Say Hey!
So that one chick you’ve been messaging with on myspace finally agrees to meet you at IHOP. Congratulations, let’s hope she’s not one of those fat dudes I mentioned from before! Hahaha! Just kidding. No but really, you should be careful. Anyway, assuming she’s really a she and not Trey that lives in his mother’s basement, here’s a couple rules to follow to make sure things go silky smooth.

1. Momma’s Boy
Girls want a guy that is close with his mother. That means the dude will have a good relationship with his wife in the future. What’s that? Freud said what? Yikes. Good thing this isn’t Ancient Greece, right? Anyway, you need to talk about your mom as much as possible. Does your date have nice earrings on? Tell her they look like a pair you’ve seen your mother wear before. Do you like her perfume? Tell her she smells like your mother. In the middle of the date, take a picture of her with your camera phone. Say “gotta send this to Mumsy to see what she thinks.” Three words will inevitably pop into her mind: Marry this man.

2. Fighter, not a Lover… Wait. Both.
99% of the purpose of the first date for a guy is impressing the girl. There are a lot of things that impress women: wealth, power, physical prowess, belch volume – just to name a few. But what can you do on a typical “dinner date” that will show her that your genes are indeed the best to combine with? Fight someone. It doesn’t matter who or for what reason, if any at all. Punch a waiter/ess. Make sure it’s someone you can take easily. An elderly man or an adolescent boy is always a solid choice. Nothing says virility and romance like punching a pubescent kid right in the forehead. She’ll probably high five you because that was awesome and then you’ll sit down and enjoy a wonderful dinner.

There you have it ladies and gents. Follow these steps and you’ll be well on your way to a long, beautiful relationship with the love of your life. Tune in again soon for another guide to coping with life’s toughest issues. Until then, best of luck.

Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go: this guide isn’t written from personal experience. I am from Texas and Kent is from Texas’ attic (also known as Oklahoma) and everybody knows people south of the Mason-Dixon line are born with a certain charm that the ladies can’t resist. Top that off with starting our own awesome, super successful, multi-million dollar humor franchise and, well, let’s just say we don’t need this guide. Two women once fist fought each other in a bar over getting Kent’s email address. Not even his phone number. This other chick straight tackled me and begged me to go out on a date with her and her twin sister. That’s right. Loving the life we live, living the life we love. They call me LL Cool C for a reason. Anyway, enough about me and my totally serious, completely real and non-delusional life.

And another thing: Although Kent and I are undoubtedly irresistible and statuesque, we’re also not condoning fornication or promiscuity. We’re good Christian boys and we’re also afraid of children and gonorrhea. I’m here to teach you how to get a date and maybe even a really sloppy french kiss that was probably better in your imagination.

Maybe you’re not super awesome with babes like Kent and I are; maybe, in fact, you’re bad with women. Hey buddy, get that chin up and hold your head up high. Today is a bright new day with tons of sexy possibilities. Let’s get out there and ask them out on a date.

For this guide I’m going to use a Do’s and Don’ts format. If you can’t figure that out, I can’t help you. Go join a cult or an internet dating website and get out of my sight. You’re breathing sexy air, and it’s obviously wasted on you.

Step One: Meeting a Girl
This is often the most challenging part of the entire dating experience. There are many ways to meet a girl and they vary in degrees of pain and toil. From an arranged marriage to buying a girl a beer down at your local Hooters, different skills are necessary to keep yourself from winding up dateless and alone at the end of the night, stuck back at your apartment playing World of Warcraft until the sun comes up while you down a few pounds of stale Cheetos. Hey! Stop that. Stop thinking that sounds like a good night. It’s not. You want to spend some time and money on a lady. Listen to me, I know what’s good for you.

Do: Refer to a girl as “dude,” “bro,” or “man.” Chicks love to feel like they’re just “another one of the guys.” You should probably only approach women who are sitting next to or on the lap of a large, muscular man. This man is most likely either related to her or a paid security agent. When you introduce yourself, offer to buy her the cheapest beer the bar has. Your opening line should be “Hey hottie, you ready for me to rock that body?” The large muscular man will most likely high five you for your sweet line, and you will get the girl’s phone number.

Don’t: Respectfully introduce yourself by simply saying “Hi, my name is ___. What’s your name?” B-O-R-I-N-G. Don’t look her in the eyes or act interested in what she has to say. She wants you to act like you don’t care. It’s a “hard to get” thing that chicks like.

Step Two: Talking to a Girl
This can be confusing as women often speak in their own language called “Womanese.” It’s very complicated and nonsensical and often requires some level of telepathy. I tried taking it as my second language in college but was denied because apparently “if you don’t already know then you obviously don’t care.”

Do: Stare directly at whatever designs or text that are on the chest area of her blouse or shirt. Women want to know that you’re interested in their fashion choices. Ladies express their personalities through their clothes. When you stare at the fun slogan on the chest area of their shirt, you’re saying “Hey, I’m really interested in you and not just your body.”

Don’t: Ask questions about what they do for a living, what TV shows they like, or what books they read. Women don’t have interesting jobs, they only watch Gilmore Girls or Sex in the City which are both shows that suck, and women don’t read books. If you ask about these things it will only bring these painful facts to light and you will instantly ruin your chances of love.

Step Three: The Date
Everybody knows that the first date is crucial. Luckily for us, it’s also the easiest step out there. Despite their crazy woman language and the weird way that they communicate with each other using only their eyes, it’s pretty easy to figure out what women want.

Do: Take them places you like. Sports bar? Yes indeed! Ladies love sitting around while you drink beer and curse at televisions. McDonald’s? Absolutely! This shows her that you’re frugal, you’re fun, and you’re father material. Whenever she orders her meal, go ahead and surprise her with how much of a high roller you are – Supersize that bad boy. She won’t know what to do with herself.

Don’t: Do the well thought out, high class, candlelight dinner at an expensive restaurant thing. That horse is tired my friend, it’s time we give it a rest. She wants to see that you think outside of the box, not that you’re a slave to “old fashioned traditions.” So avoid river walks, parks, or expensive theatre productions. Stick to electronics stores, Halo parties in your friend’s basement, and ESPN Classic marathons back at your place. It’s a commonly known fact that ESPN Classic gets makes the ladies get all randy. I want to high five you just thinking about it.

There you go, gents. No more excuses. Cancel your Eharmony account and get out there in the battlefield. It’s time to win this war.

Tune in next week for How to Cope with Being a Cougar: A Guide