I’ve had a sort of writing dry spell lately. As my legions of TTM fans have likely noticed, I haven’t contributed a whole lot to the site lately. I have a new job, a girlfriend, and the meth empire for which TTM is actually a front. What can I say? Kent and I are entrepreneurs and we saw a lucrative opportunity. I’ll tell you what though, we offer the best customer service and if you O.D. on our product, we give you your money back!

I digress. The point is, I’ve been busy. The content on the site has been mostly driven by Kent and hilarious contributors. I receive a loud voicemail every other day from Kent that is almost entirely comprised of vulgarities and racial epithets that don’t apply to me. I’m sorry buddy, but you just can’t coerce hilarity out of someone. It has to come from inspiration.

And well, I found some inspiration the other day. The following is my commentary on a list from a website called “The Frisky” about what you should teach your sons about women. What kind of website has that kind of ridiculous name? Good question. It’s a site by women, for women. Anytime a woman writes something about how men work, what men think, or generally anything about men, you can almost guarantee that it’s completely wrong. This list is a decent example of that, although I do agree with some of what it says. The rest of it… well… You’ll see. Here it is. The list itself will be in bold, my comments will be in italics. Bon Appetit, gluttons.

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Popularity: 17% [?]

I have long suspected that college was one big, $120,000 racket, and the fact that I have learned more about The Human Condition in eight months at a cash register than I ever did in a Philosophy class gives credence to this suspicion.  In an effort to spare you from having to relearn all my hard-earned wisdom, I have prepared a primer for you.  What follows is a smattering of observations and truths that I have gleaned during eight months spent in the aisles, check lanes, fitting rooms, and stock rooms of a mass retailer.  Enjoy.

1)      Of all the unconscionable tortures endured by children before they turn five – flu shots, baths, and naps, just to name a few – being made to go shopping with mom is unquestionably the worst.  Or so their tireless, ear-splitting screams would seem to indicate.

2)      Shoppers will never trust the product images that appear on packages.  Swatches of fabric and huge color photos of the Thomas the Tank Engine sheet set they’re interested in mean nothing to them until they remove the comforter from the package, wrap their toddler in it and have him roll around on the floor.  Then, after it has been rendered useless to everyone else, they will determine if they like it or not.  They refuse to believe that the six foot tall curtain samples or microwave displays bare any resemblance to the one in the box until it has been removed and strewn all across the aisle.  I’m going to stop talking about this now lest I have another rage blackout. Read the full story

Popularity: 39% [?]

-Kent-

If there were any lingering doubts regarding my unfitness for independent living, a quick survey of my monthly grocery bill should quickly put them to rest.  Of course, one can’t really review my bill because I don’t keep receipts and am still unfamiliar with the whole “budget” thing, but you could always look at the selections in my cart if you happen to bump into me at the grocery. That being unlikely, as I only go grocery shopping three times every fiscal year, I’ll just tell you about it.

My main problem with grocery shopping is that I never received any formal training on how it should be done.  The education establishment apparently assumed I would figure it out by watching my mom or through some innate evolutionary hunter/gatherer impulse.  Unfortunately, I – like most young boys – spent my trips to the store with mom whining, throwing tantrums in the snack aisle, and trying to sneak boxes of Gushers into the cart when she wasn’t looking.  This being the case, the art of grocery shopping has taken on a mysterious, almost mythical nature.  I am aware that my mother was able to routinely fill her cart with food that kept me alive, but I wasn’t taking notes on which items she selected.  As a result, I typically find myself wondering the store for several hours before filling my cart with Kraft Mac and Cheese (It’s the cheesiest!) and calling it a day. Read the full story

Popularity: 44% [?]

I have learned much in my first six months as a manager at a massive, multi-national retailer and most of it has little to do with running a retail establishment (I still know just more than nothing about that.)  A short list of the courses I have unwittingly audited could include: parent/child power struggles in a postmodern world, behavioral habits of non-high school graduates in the workplace, the creative ethics of America’s petty criminal class, and statistical correlations between discount vocabulary and purchasing trends.

While these are all fascinating studies, I’d like to spend our time today focusing on the fourth topic with special attention to the near-hypnotic effect the word “clearance” has on shoppers, particularly those of the female persuasion. Read the full story

Popularity: 67% [?]