Tap Water, Taxi Cabs, and Other Travesties: A Billionaire’s Guide to the Recession

The recession has hit us all hard, but none harder than the terrifyingly rich. That’s why we’ve asked billionaire G. Winston Thurston Livingston III to advise our billionaire readership on weathering the storm.  I hope the 3 of them appreciate this.

Fellow Patricians,

Tip #1: Titanium cufflinks and Egyptian silk boxers are life’s little necessities, to be sure. But be smart about it! Buy used! I’m almost embarrassed to tell you how cheaply I scored an ivory tooth brush at Saddam Hussein’s estate sale!

Tip #2: Your summer home in the Hamptons? Burn it. Burn it down. You’ll collect enough insurance money to fill your hot tub with Dom Perignon and cavier (which, I’ve found, can be extremely hard on the filters).

Tip #3: Insider trading. Need I say more? If you haven’t started yet, I don’t know what you were doing in the 90′s.

Tip #4: When you’re snorting blow on your G5 private jet, try doing it on the bathroom’s marble countertops instead of the gold seatbelts. This doesn’t save you any money, but I find it much more effective.

Tip #5: Your daughter’s horse? (1) Insure it; (2) Tell your daughter it’s been feeling sick; (3) Store it in the Hampton garage before you follow Tip #2.

Advice #6: Your side-girlfriend’s hush money is ballooning faster than Oprah during the holidays. Instead of mailing her monthly stipend in unmarked Euro, give her coupons. Ladies love this! Think about it: women love to shop, they love to save $$$, and they’ll love when you affirm them in the form of a coupon for Aldi hot dogs. It’s like a roundtrip ticket for her shopping train of savings.

Tip #7: Speaking of side payments, be wary of the payroll. I was getting nickeled and dimed with payments for a gardener, an accountant, the side girlfriend demanding hush money, the dog’s yoga instructor, the dog’s side girlfriend demanding hush money. That stuff adds up. Solution: combine them into one role. Put your dog’s yoga instructor to work as a gardening accountant that you date on the side. It’s unfortunate if the instructor is a guy, but this is a recession. Beggars can’t be choosers.
Tip #8: Have that gardening yoga accountant fill the pool with Dasani instead of Evian. This not only saves money, but I find the Lemon-Cucumber flavor to be very refreshing for morning swims.

Tip #9: Your illegitimate child with the cocktail waitress in Montreal? That’s called a “dependent”, and that’s a tax write-off, my friend!!

Tip #10: Does your yacht in the Riviera really need a helipad? Don’t be silly: of course it does! But why not turn that pleasure into profit? Think of the profitable possibilities: an offshore casino! A dinner cruise ship! A brothel! An offshore brothel that serves dinner while you gamble!!! Are you writing this down… it’s gold.

Well, the G5 is warmed up. I’m off to Antigua. Following Tip #3. Adieu.

Another effortless bit of brilliance by Tory Schalkle: friend, father, haberdasher, idiot savant.

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