The Beginning of the End: Life After College, Part 2


This is Part 2 of an infinite part series.  You can read Part 1 here.

1)      If (and by “if” I mean “when”) you find yourself in a job you do not love, it is important to ensure your work performance never rises above mediocre.  Doing above average work typically leads to more work being sent your way, and that is just the thing you are trying to avoid.  Also, you want to avoid any company that lists “developing our people” as one of their values.  “Developmental opportunity” is business jargon for “a way to get your underlings to do more of your work without having to increase their pay.”  You just paid $100,000 for a college degree; you’re as developed as you’ll ever be.

2)      When looking for a slackable job it is important to find a company with the most suffocating, complex, and ineffective bureaucracy.  You need to find a company where it is more difficult to get fired than it is to get hired.  This can be ascertained by asking your interviewer the following question: “If I come in to work every day wearing only a Snuggie and do nothing but send emails of co-workers’ heads photo-shopped onto the bodies of farm animals, how long will it be before HR is allowed to fire me?”  If the answer is longer than eight weeks, you’ve got yourself a keeper.

3)      It is impossible to judge the age of people between the ages of 18-35.  The miracles of plastic surgery and the ravages of underage alcohol and tobacco consumption have created a twilight zone where any girl at any bar could be someone’s prom date or a cougar with three kids.   IDs should be checked before engaging in conversation or buying drinks.

4)      When choosing a roommate, the single most important characteristic to look for is the person’s level of comfort with a disgusting living environment.  Find a person with a lower tolerance for filth than you have and you will never have to wash a dish or vacuum a floor.  Ever.

5)      Similarly, if you have neighbors who value things like “neatly-trimmed lawns,” “curb appeal,” and “property value,” you’ll never have to mow.   Let the grass in the front yard grow high enough to block sunlight from the second story windows, and the lawn will magically mow itself.  As with most things, if ignored long enough, they tend to just work themselves out.  The same principle applies to unsightly rolls of old carpet left in the front yard for months on end.

About the author

Hailing from the great state of Oklahoma, Kent Woodyard was raised in a tepee by an uneducated family of country singers and Native Americans. He taught himself to read by studying a book of knock-knock jokes he found at a cattle auction (thus, his highly refined sense of bourgeois humor). For the last seven years he has been toiling faithfully as "the coolest kid you haven't met yet." He retired from that position the minute you read this. Kent counts Jared Fogle (the guy from the Subway commercials), Keith Olbermann, all the members of Nickelback, and Scar from The Lion King as personal enemies. When Kent grows up, he plans to have enough money to have all these people imprisoned for no reason whatsoever. As of this writing, Kent is acutely interested in the following: weekends, push pops, Disney sing-alongs, Lost discussion boards, widgets, Whoppers (the hamburgers, not the disgusting malt balls), Mongolian throat singers, and the early work of Billy Crystal.

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