Well, another year has passed and the time has come once again for us to commemorate the brutality of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre by stuffing our faces with chocolate, going on high-pressure dates, and skipping work to watch The Notebook eight times in a row. Hearing this, you may be surprised to learn that Valentine’s Day is not without its detractors. Despite its fun-loving nature, February 14th has managed to accumulate more baggage than any other holiday (except maybe Father’s Day).
People question its status as a real holiday. Pundits rant and rave about the many ways the boxed chocolate and greeting card industries are destroying the venerable institutes of romantic love and infatuation. Conservative leaders smother us with statistics on the alarming levels of divorce, homosexuality, and blue balls in America, while dateless high school girls declare that they haven’t believed in true love since the final season of The Newlyweds. It gets exhausting, yet it is in this grand tradition of bitching and moaning that I come to you today. I’d like to take five minutes to speak out against something else that is far too prevalent in contemporary America: monogamy.
Monogamy rules supreme over the many European hand-me-downs that Americans have unthinkingly swallowed in order to be seen as relevant and hip by our free-thinking (read: Godless) cousins across the pond. These concessions are all well and good when it comes to shepherd’s pie, IKEA, and British piano rock, but monogamy goes too far. Not only is it nonsensical, counterintuitive, and counterproductive, it’s just plain un-American!
The term monogamy comes from the Greek words monos, which means one or alone, and gamos, which means mind-numbingly dull. Historians believe that monogamy originated in the 8th century BC when a fiscally irresponsible camel-herder could only afford one gypsy girl for his harem. A few impressionable goats men saw our Bedouin friend with his somewhat homely looking bride, thought it looked like fun, and quicker than you can say “Salt Lake City” the lamest practice in the history of the world was born (note: reality TV has since surpassed it in lameness but not by much).
Today, social anthropologists blame monogamy for many of the atrocities mankind has weathered since 800 B.C. including the Second Punic War, the crash of the Hindenburg, the presidency of Warren G. Harding, and the murder of The Notorious B.I.G.
But fear not dear readers! There is hope for a better future. Its name is polygamy and it rocks. For those who doubt me, check out this limerick I found on the internet:
- There was an old fellow of Lyme
- Who lived with three wives at one time.
- When asked, “Why the third?”
- He replied, “One’s absurd,
- And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”
Hahahahaha! Oh man! Nothing but the coolest style of poetry could be used to describe the coolest lifestyle.
What’s more, polygamy has been practiced by many pillars of the Christian faith from Abraham and David, to Thomas Jefferson and Brigham Young. These enlightened cats knew what was up. Speaking of enlightened cats, King Solomon was the wisest man to ever live and he had over seven hundred smokin hot wives! Good enough for him; good enough for me.
With all the fornicating, cross dressing, and baby making going on these days, I say it’s high time we return to our Biblical roots. But if pleas from Biblical truth don’t do it for you, and if that kick-A limerick didn’t sway you, then choose polygamy out of compassion for humanity. Recent population studies report that females outnumber males on the planet 4 to 1. If that is the case, every man who only dates one woman is robbing three women somewhere of a date. My conscience can’t deal with that. Can yours?