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The Prayer of Jabizzy

Wilkinson Targets “Snoop Dogg” Market with The Prayer of Jabizzy

The marketing blitz for The Prayer of Jabizzy, the latest installment in Bruce Wilkinson’s “BreakThrough” book series, began last week when Christian stores across the nation were flooded with posters of Escalades, diamond studded books, and various forms of “Jabizzy bling” including “grillz” (cosmetic metal dental apparatuses) affixed with platinum crosses and ichthuses.  The book is aimed at what Wilkinson refers to as “the Snoop Dogg Market,” and is accompanied by the release of a new hip-hop album by the Reverend MC Hammer entitled “The Jabizznasty.”

“This book is going to reach a market segment that has never heard about the prosperity to be had with God. They need to hear about how He wants to enlarge their territory, or ‘hood’ as we call it,” said Wilkinson during a book-release press conference held at a used Cadillac dealership in Harlem. When questioned by reporters about the inherent racism of the marketing ploy, Wilkinson quickly clarified who comprised this elusive market.  “Oh, no, no you’ve got this all wrong,” he laughed. “Research has shown that this market is made up of mostly white suburban preteens, the same market at which MTV is aimed.”

Wilkinson’s new book offers much of the same advice as the other books, suggesting that the readers recite a “translated” version of the prayer to convince God to grant them prosperity. “The Prayer of Jabez taught the world how to tap into the wealth of God’s kingdom, but it just wasn’t hip enough to reach this market segment. Jabizzy ‘taps that’ in a way that Jabez could not,” said Wilkinson. It contains 1 Chronicles 4:9-10 in a translation that Wilkinson refers to as the NGV, or New Gangsta Version:

Hey yo! An’ Jabizzy gave tha God-izzle o’ Isrizzy a shoutizzle, whut! “Yo yo yo! Big gangsta in da skizzies, dat You wizzle hook a brotha up, an’ gimme a phat hizz-ouse in da wackest hood, an’ dat Yo hizzle wizzle bizzle wit meh, an’ dat You’d back a gangsta up, dat I mah nizzle cauzizzle pizzain! An’ God ga’ dat mo’ f’er his requizzle. ‘know wut I’m sayin?

Initial criticisms that the book was “shallow,” “blasphemous,” or “retarded” have been quickly overshadowed by the raucous praises from the spinster aunts who purchased the book for their rebellious teenage nephews and nieces: “When Little Jake started wearing those baggy JNCO trousers I knew there would be no way that he’d sit down and watch Praise The Lord with me. I thought he was lost to the devil for sure. But then I walked into Lifeway and received a word from the Lord, yes I did!”

Other reactions have not been as favorable. Evangelist Billy Graham was particularly shocked and disappointed: “He did what? Son of a…”

This article is satire and is thus completely fictional. No one quoted in this article was actually interviewed or is any way affiliated with this article or with us. And Billy Graham would never say a curse word.

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