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The Progression of Laws to Govern Kissing in a Christian Relationship

  1. There is to be no kissing until the wedding day.
  2. There is to be no kissing until we’re sure we could see ourselves marrying each other.
  3. Kissing is officially sanctioned as long as it is not too noisy and not in the style of the French.
  4. The style of the French is acceptable as long as the kissing session does not exceed 10 minutes.
  5. French kisses lasting longer than 10 minutes will be allowed on the condition that they are immediately followed by a Bible study of equivalent duration.
  6. Bible study time is NOT to be spent kissing.  If kissing occurs, those minutes must be deducted from Bible study time and added to kissing time, thereby increasing the number of required Bible study minutes necessary to balance the ledger.
  7. Bible studies will no longer be held by the light of “prayer candles” in my beanbag chair.
  8. Never again will we inhabit my bedroom at the same time.
  9. Never again will we inhabit your little sister’s bedroom at the same time.
  10. No more hanging out after dark.
  11. Sunday will henceforth be a “day of rest” during which we cease from our labors of love and abstain from all kissing.
  12. An article of clarification: Sunday begins at 12:00am Central Daylight Time and ends at 11:59pm Central Daylight Time.  No, it is not “always Monday somewhere.” For purposes of consistency, Eskimo Kisses, Butterfly Kisses, and Camel Kisses will be included under the umbrella definition of a “kiss” and therefore forbidden on Sundays.  No longer will distinctions be drawn between kissing, making out, sucking face, tongue wrestling, or tonsil tickling.  All are forms of kissing.  All are forbidden.
  13. Violations of the Sunday Policy that occur at church will not be counted.
  14. One of us should be wearing a shirt at all times.
  15. And pants.
  16. Eff it.  Anything goes as long as it’s too dark to see each other.
  17. OMG.  Rule #16 is hereby rescinded and the “No Kissing Until Marriage Rule” is back in place.  Effective immediately!
  18. In light of Rule #17, it is not prudent for us to accompany each other to any of the following places: movie theaters, parking lots, country roads, pay-by-the-hour motels, libraries, or mini vans.
  19. It is not healthy for us to fight our natural, God-given instincts.  This relationship will no longer be bound by rules, it will be governed by love.  We will henceforth comport ourselves responsibly – in accordance with our upbringing and the guiding light of Scripture – without recourse to laws and systems of man’s devising.
  20. We will get married quickly and quietly before her pregnancy becomes visibly apparent.

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