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The Well-Oiled Immigration Process

I have a friend who is in the process of obtaining a student visa in order to attend an a university here in Chicago. The hoops that they require you to jump through are extensive and often ludicrous, but nothing has been quite as amusing in its absurdity as the questions on a mandatory questionnaire. I’ve included some of my favorites:

Do you have a communicable disease of public health significance such as tuberculosis (TB)?

Have you ever violated, or engaged in a conspiracy to violate, any law relating to controlled substances?

Are you coming to the United States to engage in prostitution or unlawful commercialized vice or have you been engaged in prostitution or procuring prostitutes within the past 10 years?

Do you seek to engage in espionage, sabotage, export control violations, or any other illegal activity while in the United States?

Do you seek to engage in terrorist activities while in the United States or have you ever engaged in terrorist activities?

Have you ever or do you intend to provide financial assistance or other support to terrorists or terrorist organizations?

Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization?

Have you ever ordered, incited, committed, assisted, or otherwise participated in genocide?

Have you ever committed, ordered, incited, assisted, or otherwise participated in torture?

Have you committed, ordered, incited, assisted, or otherwise participated in extrajudicial killings, political killings, or other acts of violence?

Someone got paid American tax dollars to sit in an office and come up with these questions. It probably took them six months and cost millions of dollars. And all for what? It screens out the completely moronic people that actually answer in the affirmative.

I suppose if an immigrant gets caught committing a crime mentioned in this questionnaire, they could also get prosecuted for lying to the government, but do you really need another reason besides “started a brothel” to deport someone? “Started a brothel and is such a total liar. We’re going to deport you, let you back in, and then deport you again. Suck it.” How long before you think they start asking multiple choice questions?

Circle some of your favorite activities:
A. Murdering
B. Pillaging
C. Violencing
D. All of the Above

Is there a way to answer any of these questions that won’t get you denied entry, besides “no”? Any ideas? My favorite so far is “just for fun.” Kent likes “not yet.” Post your responses below!

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