There Are Two Kinds of People in the World: Those Who Read This Article and Those With Sad, Unfulfilling Lives

For some reason, we humans find it extremely important to know right where we stand in relation to all other beings.  From dirt clod to deity, we want to know who can give the proverbial “business” to whom.  Pre-renaissance Europe answered this question with the “Great Chain of Being.”  This model finally assured medieval men that their wives were in fact closer to God than their stable horses (barely). Six centuries later, Britney Spears further simplified the world’s alarming complexity into two halves “the ones who entertain and the ones who observe” and we knew in our hearts she was right.  That is where we begin our discussion today.

Now, many people will compare these two examples and deride Britney for her naiveté and apparent lack of a functioning brain.  Not me.  I say she’s a genius.  Whereas the “learned ancients” needed eight categories to explain the spectrum of existence, Britney needed only two.

In fact, two is about the highest number of categories we can handle these days.  Think about it.  How many times have you heard someone start a sentence with “There are only two kinds of people in the world…?”  We prefer our universe evenly divided in half.  We’ve got red states and blue states, “haves” and “have nots,” right-brains and left-brains, above-average drivers and women, etc.  It appears we have finally arrived at a Spark Notes-esque, either/or understanding of the universe.  Rather than mock the sweeping simplicity of this dichotomizing, I have decided to embrace it for what it is: the future of sociology.

Since sociology is a made-up science to begin with, I don’t see why we can’t have some fun with its imminent demise.  The way I figure it, if I can come up with enough mutually-exclusive bisections of society, maybe I can sell the list to Houghton Mifflin and kids in 2015 will be buying it $150 for their Intro to Sociology classes.

There are only two kinds of people in America :

  • Obama voters and klansmen.
  • Pro-choice voters and rapists.
  • Hayden Panettiere and the rest of us.
  • Arabs and those who fear them.
  • Residents of Montana and people who are taking it from the man.
  • Residents of West Virginia and people opposed to bestiality.
  • Those who are “hot cause they’re fly” and those who “ain’t cause they not.”
  • Sarah Palin supporters and those who haven’t seen her swimsuit pictures.
  • People who hate Wanda Sykes and …well…nevermind.
  • Married people and people who are fun to hang out with.

Similarly, there are only two kinds of men in America:

  • Those who are pleasant company and those who drive pickup trucks with large tires.
  • Megan Fox fans and homosexuals.
  • Law-abiding citizens and former high school athletes.

Alright, so I couldn’t come up with enough to fill a textbook.  Help me out.  Throw some more out there.  Please, I need this.  I’ve been “working” for a full calendar year not and it doesn’t suit my fragile disposition.

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About the author

Hailing from the great state of Oklahoma, Kent Woodyard was raised in a tepee by an uneducated family of country singers and Native Americans. He taught himself to read by studying a book of knock-knock jokes he found at a cattle auction (thus, his highly refined sense of bourgeois humor). For the last seven years he has been toiling faithfully as "the coolest kid you haven't met yet." He retired from that position the minute you read this. Kent counts Jared Fogle (the guy from the Subway commercials), Keith Olbermann, all the members of Nickelback, and Scar from The Lion King as personal enemies. When Kent grows up, he plans to have enough money to have all these people imprisoned for no reason whatsoever. As of this writing, Kent is acutely interested in the following: weekends, push pops, Disney sing-alongs, Lost discussion boards, widgets, Whoppers (the hamburgers, not the disgusting malt balls), Mongolian throat singers, and the early work of Billy Crystal.
  • http://thetalkingmirror.com conor

    those who have slept with Lindsay Lohan and those who don’t have VD

  • http://thetalkingmirror.com conor

    those who have slept with Lindsay Lohan and those who don’t have VD

  • Mary B

    talking heads and non-readers

  • Mary B

    talking heads and non-readers

  • http://joeley.wordpress.com Joel

    those who have jobs and those who call at 2:30 in the afternoon

  • http://joeley.wordpress.com Joel

    those who have jobs and those who call at 2:30 in the afternoon

  • Mike

    Jonas Brothers fans and deaf people.

  • Mike

    Jonas Brothers fans and deaf people.

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