To Whom it May Concern:
Recently I attended a birthday celebration at an establishment aimed at people over the age of 21. You may call it a “bar,” a “club,” or even a “house of ill repute.” Admittedly the third moniker isn’t completely accurate as the “transactions” that take place there aren’t exactly the same (“you give me money, and I will have sex with you” is exchanged for “you purchase alcoholic beverages for me and pretend to be interested in me for who I am, and I will have sex with you”) but it’s honestly close enough. I happened to ingest a respectful amount of alcohol prior to attending this gathering – one might refer to that action using a common colloquialism: “pre-gaming.” We could say that, on the scale of inebriation, I was in the “moderate to severe” range. It should be noted that I remember everything, did not black out, and did not retch. It should also be duly noted that drunkenness is not something that I condone. It just so happens that I am human and often am unaware of something that mature people call “limits.” I am typically what is generally referred to as a “jolly drunk,” and that trait was in full force that evening. I would venture to say that if someone decided to make an action figure out of me and, finding that the supply of the normal edition of a DCMickC action figure was absolutely insufficient to meet the demand of thousands of foamy-mouthed, rabid women all over the world, then decided to release a special action figure based entirely on the version of me that was represented that night, it would be called the “Let’s Party” edition.
But we’re not here to talk about DC “Let’s Party” MickC. He’s a good man and I stand by him, but his actions and exploits are not the subject of this little tirade, virtuous though they may be. No, ladies and gentlemen, fellow partakers of “the party,” we’re here to talk about the “Sober Guy.” This “Guy” is obnoxious, jealous, and generally one who takes a giddy, misanthropic delight in the raining-on of parades. This is a party-attendee that might normally be inebriated but isn’t for whatever circumstantial reason. Perhaps they are “taking one for the team,” to use the parlance of our times. Thus, out of a dark, selfish shadow of their heart spews a virus that hopes to spoil the fresh taste of my merrymaking. To clarify I should say that the term “Sober Guy” is androgynous, although it does have the word “guy” in it which does certainly refer to people with penises. I am using it as a general term for all people who perform these actions despite their gender and would entreat you all to use it thus.
I encountered the “Sober Guy” many times that evening. You will know that you have encountered him by his pomp, and because he typically says things like this:
“You are drunk.“
Extra emphasis on “drunk,” which means that your drunkenness is, by their definition, of an excessive degree.
“You are so drunk.”
You see here that the modifier “so” is emphatically employed to let you know that your drunkenness is indeed thorough.
“You are out of control.”
This comes with the assumption that your faculties have been commandeered by some sort of alcoholic coup d’etat, relieving you of all sense and knowledge of your own actions
“I can’t believe you.”
Although this may sound like some kind of modern metaphysical iteration of Cogito, ergo sum – you do not think, therefore you do not exist – it is instead a much simpler exclamation regarding the drunken grandeur of your actions. Disappointing, I know.
“You are crazy.”
No clinical diagnosis is being made regarding the state of your psyche here, friend. No, “Sober Guy” is expressing how “out of control” you really are – out of control to the level of pure insanity.
You can see how “Sober Guy” has a penchant for exaggeration and for stating things that are quite obvious as if they are religious revelations. “Sober Guy” may also make these statements to an observer, like some inane sports commentator noting that “This team is playing to win.”
Here’s the thing “Sober Guy”: I’m not mad at you. Truly, I have once been you. Now, though, having quite fully experienced “the other perspective,” I now understand how irritating and dreadful you can be. Am I drunk? Really? Perhaps that was caused by the 20 ounces of Captain Morgan’s Rum I drank in the span of one and a half hours. So drunk, you say? Hmmm, I hadn’t noticed that. I was distracted by all of the self-described awesome dancing I’m doing or by all of the fights I have nearly gotten into or, finally, all of the ladies I have spoken to recently that are clearly interested in me. Obviously my intention in consuming that much alcohol was to thin my blood for health reasons, not to reach any extraordinary state of drunkenness. My apologies.
You are offensive, Sir, because I believe that you are only saying these things because you are not “so drunk.” Be it pride, jealousy, or loneliness, your motivations are absolutely not in my best interest and therefore I would urge you to silence yourself and return to whatever bastion of unfunnery from whence you came. Either do that, or go have a few shots of whiskey, put on your party trousers, and return to me reborn – a newly named diplomat from the land of Uz-Party-stan.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
DCMickC and, by proxy, DC “Let’s Party” MickC
Editor’s Note: I understand that this article might come off as a bashing of “the squares” that don’t drink at all or who rightly avoid drunkenness. It can be read a certain way to reach that conclusion, although I don’t believe it was written unclearly. My intention is not to bash people who take a sober stance for moral reasons. Naturally, Kent and I also believe drunkenness to be sinful. Is this story true? Some of it. Am I proud of my sinful lack of moderation? No. Is it worse than any other sin I commit daily? No. My intention in this article was multifaceted, but mainly to be funny, to make fun of myself, and to make light of a somewhat embarrassing memory. A valid point that can be drawn from this article – albeit a point that was not necessarily my intention – is that this sin isn’t a special one. It happens, it’s a common experience, and there should not be some stigma in our community that makes it extraordinarily bad. It’s that stigma that causes so many young Christians to abandon moderation. They get driven from one side of the spectrum to the other. Should Christians (I make that distinction very intentionally) be called out for their sinfulness? Absolutely. I just believe that should be done in gentleness and love, rather than in anger and pride. Furthermore, having a serious conversation about sin with someone who is under the influence of alcohol tends to be less than productive. Choose the right time and place, be firm and do not waiver from truth, but be aware that often damage is done by people who think they are acting in righteousness but who are themselves in need of a healthy rebuke.