One: Seriously I Don’t Care.
Dear Mr. Smittenberg,
I guess I’d like to express my interest in the Entry Level Account Manager position I read about somewhere while I was probably doing something awesome. I’ve heard some pretty good stuff about your company from colleagues and friends; we’re talking really cool, powerful people. I’m sure you have probably heard of me by now, as no doubt one of my friends in your company has told you stories about how well I’ve performed at every job I’ve ever had. Whatever though, it’s not like it matters to me anyway.
So I hear that your company, I forget what it’s called, bought some other company recently and that’s why you’re looking to hire on some help. I have some experience in recent acquisitions, as my last position with Goldhammer-Brown Investments (you’ve heard of them, right?) dealt with this recent acquisition they had of Washington-Ellis Investments. I’m sure you read about that one in Investments Magazine, it made the cover of the September 2008 issue. I wasn’t there at the time of the article but if I had been they would have probably asked me for an interview. Anyway I’d probably be a huge help to your company during this transitional phase, but I honestly don’t need the job. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now.
If you feel like it, go ahead and review the enclosed resume and references. If not, no biggie. Just so you know though, the last guy I interviewed with said I was “very impressive.” I’m expecting him to call by sometime next week to offer me way more than the minimum they had posted. Just saying if you want it you’d better put a contract on it.
In closing, it really doesn’t mean much to me either way if I get this job or if I don’t. There are so many other jobs I’m interviewing for, I probably won’t even notice if you respond. If you want to though, I might be able to take your call some time in the afternoon most days, as long as I’m not busy getting hired by someone else which is probably what is going to happen. For real though, do whatever you want. I could probably care less, but I’m having a hard time figuring out how.
Two: Please Don’t Hurt Me.
Dear Miss Martinez,
I’m not really sure that you’re even going to read this since you probably have so many other candidates that have much better qualifications than me, but if you are reading this I’d like to express my interest in the Economic Analyst Position that you advertised, if that’s okay with you. Your company sounds really amazing, like on the cutting edge of the business, which probably puts you way out of my league so if you want to throw this letter away right now, I understand. I really don’t have that much to offer you that you probably don’t already have.
Since I’m here, though, I mean, I guess I’ll tell you some of my qualifications as long as that doesn’t bother you. If it does, it won’t bother me if you stop reading. Honestly, how would I know, right? That’s a joke, which my last boss told me was one of my strengths. I also graduated at the top of my class from Harvard, was the President of my class for all four years, and am a personal friend of Barack Obama. You probably have a lot of applicants like that though, I know I should have worked harder in college.
I have a few skills that maybe could help your company a little bit, but not as much as some other people. I guess I’ve been a Network Analyst before, for your competitor. You can see that on my resume, as well as the six internships I did during my college years for Fortune 100 companies. They outsourced my job to India, but they’re really nice guys. They said that I can still go to the company parties as long as I keep bringing beer, which is completely a fair request. I totally don’t mind buying enough beer for everybody, it’s not a bother at all. I might have been given the Best Employee award for each of the 14 months that I worked there, and I contributed to part of the new employee handbook for my position. I mean, I wrote some of it, but it was mostly Susan from HR that wrote it, I just gave her a solid outline to start from. You should call her, she’s such a hard worker.
Thank you so much for reading this letter, I’m sure you have a lot more important things you could be doing. If somehow you are interested in an interview and you get around to calling me, I’m available most times. I do volunteer at the local children’s hospital in between occasionally providing freelance financial commentary for CNBC, but it’s really not a problem if you call. I can always step away and make time to talk. Or not. It’s really fine if you don’t.
Thanks Again For Everything,