If you’ve missed out so far, we find our two heroes Zac and Conor on their way to Australia to destroy the evil Ugg Boots once and for all, ridding the world of their horrid visage forever. A further summary can be found on part four (linked above) as well as links to the previous installments.
they're coming for you in your dreams
They were everywhere, the Uggs. Not with people attached to them, but just the horrible formless booties themselves, stomping all over Conor’s abdomen as if they operated by their own, horrifying volition. Suddenly Lady Gaga started playing, but not as if over speakers. It was everywhere, meaningless, inexplicable “Mah mah mah mah’s” resonating through Conor’s very veins. There were screens everywhere showing “Sex and the City,” “Bride Wars,” and every crappy parody by the guys that brought us “Scary Movie.” And then Murphy’s Law was brought to its most terrible apex: Carson Daly stood over him, making out with Jennifer Love Hewitt who, while speaking out of the side of her mouth as she continued to kiss the Skeletor-like fame monger, repeated over and over “I love you, Carson Daly and will never, ever love Conor.”
“Nooo! Nooo! Jennifer! Nooo!” Conor screamed, writhing as the Uggs began a full assault on his man-jewels. “Please Merciful God kill me now!” His world began to shake violently, and he felt as though God was going to answer his desperate plea. He felt his face jar side to side, as if it were being slapped, and then he was very wet and -
“Conor! Wake up man! You’re having a nightmare!” Zac screamed, shaking his friend by his shoulders. Conor sat up immediately, drenched in sweat.
“Where the hell am I? Where’s Jennifer? Jennifer!”
“Dude, dude, bro. Chill out. We’re in the back of a cargo plane on the way to Australia,” Zac said, placing a conciliatory hand on his friend’s arm.
Conor sat up, wiping his forehead. “So… That was all a dream? Jennifer hasn’t left me for Carson Douchely?”
“No man, not at all,” responded Zac, sitting down, his back against a large crate. “She’s at home with Giovannia, remember? You called her before we took off?”
“Yeah, yeah… A cargo plane? Why a cargo plane?” Asked Conor, standing up and looking around as he stretched.
“The only affordable flight I could get at such short notice was riding with a shipment of Snuggies into Sydney. Apparently Aussies love to look like retarded cult members.”
Conor’s face cleared of anxiety, coming again to a state of calm. “Right, I remember now… I guess I get a little amnesic after such terrible dreams. Who the hell is listening to Lady Gaga?”
“My bad dude,” Zac said, turning his portable cd-player off.
“Snuggies huh? Man, I hope these aren’t our next enemies…”
Zac laughed and shook his head. “Nah man, of course not. People have better sense than to… Well. I guess I shouldn’t speak so hastily. We are, of course, still battling Uggs.”
He was so very right. Snuggies, Uggs – they were two stones cut from the same ridiculous-looking quarry of irresponsibly poor taste. Luckily, the Snuggies only represented a passing As Seen on TV trend, not an international super-villain.
“So when do we land, did I forget that too?” Conor asked. Fatigued from the intense dream he had just had, he stood up and moved around, punching the air vigorously.
“No, you didn’t forget that part… I didn’t tell you why this was so affordable. We’re not really landing, exactly.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
Zac looked at Conor apprehensively. “Look man, I know you’re afraid of heights. But you gotta remember this is for all mankind, alright? We’re saving the world.”
“Dude. No no no. You’d better be screwing with me.”
“I’m not. We’re jumping out of this plane and into the wild Australian outback,” Zac said, grinning stupidly and holding up two parachutes.
“Why in the hell are we doing that?!” his friend responded fearfully.
“Because…” Zac paused, changing his tone from consolation to reason. “That’s where we’ll be meeting with Hughgolas Jackman and The Council of Uggrond… If we’re going to end this evil forever, we’re going to need help.”
To be continued…
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