A tiny, hominid-like creature became a national icon this past week after fleeing the uterine prison of its unloving mother. The yet-to-be-named human fetus apparently escaped between two and three a.m. Thursday morning, and has been in hiding ever since.
The halfling’s former carrier, Brooklyn waitress Alison Hooper, shed some light on why the fetus may have prematurely fled her womb. Ms. Hooper reports that she was planning on terminating her pregnancy the very next day and she speculates that the pseudo-child must have caught wind of his impending doom after overhearing a conversation she had with live-in boyfriend Tom Haynes the night before.
“We were trying to decide which Planned Parenthood clinic had the least chance of being bombed and I may have said the abortion word a few times,” said Hooper. “I always thought of the fetus as just another part of my body, so you can imagine my shock when I awoke Thursday morning to find my stomach just as flat and sexy as I hoped it would be on Friday.”
While most unwilling mothers would be content to leave well enough alone, Ms. Hooper has decided to press the issue by demanding that she still be allowed to abort the fetus.
“This inconsiderate fetus made an absolute mess of the living room upholstery, not to mention the apple sauce and milk it spilled all over the kitchen,” said Hooper. “It has been a great inconvenience to me, and – as I was still in my second trimester – I am well within my rights to have it terminated.”
On Monday morning, the fugitive fetus crawled out of hiding long enough to meet with TTM in a 7-11 parking lot.
“He told me that he will be hiding for the next three months until he becomes a full-fledged human being and will be afforded all the rights of personhood,” reports TTM Staff Writer Justin Longhway. “It was just so strange. This thing had little fingers and toes and ears just like me. He looked just like a little person, but I know he’s not. He’d probably make a nice pet.”
The fetus’s plight has further polarized an already divided nation. Fetus Rights marches have been organized in Colorado Springs and Grand Rapids, and John McCain has begun campaigning in pre-natal wards around the country. Barack Obama, on the other hand, has been a vocal supporter of Ms. Hooper’s quest for the first “full-birth abortion.”
“This fetus has taken away his mother’s right to choose what to do with it. If it’s willing to do that, where will it stop? Before we know it, feti everywhere will be taking rights and public money away from actual people like you and me.”
Supporters of Ms. Hooper have already put ultrasound pictures of the baby-esque creature in post offices, libraries, and Planned Parenthood centers around the country. They hope that the fetus is found soon so it can be safely aborted by professionals in a sterile facility.