What This Supreme Court Really Needs Is Some Star Power

By Frank Ferri
Potentials:

NFL REFEREE ED HOCHULI

PROS: Brings with him a huge NFL fan following, which could spark an interest in Constitutional law among sports fans. Bonus, he is an actual lawyer.

CONS: Prone to throwing yellow flags at attorneys-and anyone really-throughout court proceedings. His form-fitting robes and needlessly wordy opinions will grate on the rest of the court.

BONO

PROS: Still miffed at being passed over for Pope in 2005, he will bring intensity to the Court that’s been missing. Mononym would save taxpayer money on engraved desk and door plates.

CONS: Have you ever seen him without his sunglasses?  It’s terrifying.

GEORGE CLOONEY

PROS: Can charm the pants off both the National Right to Life Committee and NARAL. Some fine Scotch over an intimate meal and this modern-day Rat-Packer will have Nino Scalia and Ruth Bader Ginsberg
agreeing on everything from Gun Control to Gay Marriage.

CONS: Frequently causes other attorneys to swoon causing major delays in the docket.  Also, his Michael Clayton connections raise some concerns about an anti-corporate bias.

KELLY RIPA

PROS: So annoyingly chipper, the blatherskite will unite the competing counsels by giving them a common enemy: Kelly Ripa.

CONS: Extra seat on panel needed for Regis. Gelman to produce gavel-to-gavel coverage.

TOMMY LEE JONES

PROS: College roommate of Al Gore. Has to count for something, right?

CONS: Writes scathing dissents whenever ruling doesn’t include Court-mandated follow-up to U.S. Marshals.

ALEC BALDWIN

PROS: Solid host of Saturday Night Live. Wrote a somewhat law-related book on the plight of the divorced father.

CONS: Opinions consist solely of recommending the death penalty for his ex-wife, no matter what the case on hand is.

And if that wasn’t enough, here is a bonus bit from Frank regarding the upcoming Digital Television conversion:

OTHER THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW IF YOU’RE STILL USING RABBIT EARS TO WATCH TELEVISION.

– Modern dentistry has eliminated the need for wooden teeth.
– The printing press has made reading available to the masses.
– Indoor plumbing means you don’t have to leave the house to relieve yourself.
– The telephone allows us to speak to anyone by merely entering a numeric code.
– The Internet…I can’t even explain it. It will blow your mind.

Frank Ferri is a copywriter who thinks he’s funny.  His work has previously appeared in McSweeney’s, Yankee Pot Roast, and The Big Jewel.  You can visit him at frankferri.com.

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