I roll up to the church
Sunday at six p.m.
I find a seat in the back
As the pastor says amen.
You might think it odd
That I be at church tonight
You might question my motives
And you would probably be right.
It isn’t a normal service
That’s coaxed me from my couch to here.
I’ve come to explore a club
For people aged “college and careers.”
I’ve heard these places are cool
I’m told they can be fun
But I’m not here for that
I’m here to find “the one.”
I’m sporting a brand new polo
I’m here to mix and mingle.
I’m motivated by fear
Of the words: “28 and single.”
Didn’t find Miss Right at the bars
I haven’t seen her at the grocery
Maybe she’ll be here
At the young adults ministry.
I settle into my seat
And take stock of the scene
Predestination is in the air
And I think you know what I mean.
The sermon isn’t bad
The pastor imparts his knowledge
But I’m just trying to figure out
Which girls are still in college.
You can never be too careful
Around girls from 18 to 30.
Some might think you’re desperate
Others might find you dirty.
And they’re all kinds of trouble
Most are ready to be moms
Others are even worse:
They just got done with prom.
I mean, I just want a date
She wants kids and a beagle!
Or: I want to take her out,
I don’t even know if it’s legal!
It’s obviously not ideal
But beggars can’t choosers.
I’ll take my chances here
Over the bimbos and boozers.
My chance finally comes
After the service ends.
It’s time to walk around the room
And meet my new best friends.
I want to talk to the angel
I saw during the prayer.
Before I can even get to her
Five guys are already there.
I head for option number two
But her scene isn’t any better.
A dozen dudes saw her too
And they want to “do life together.”
I look around the room
And everywhere it’s the same.
A handful of cute girls, surrounded
By suitors spitting game.
What kind of service is this?
This is not a ministry!
This is church sanctioned speed-dating,
And I missed my opportunity.
I chat with some other guys
As we make our way toward the door.
It appears they, like me,
Have missed their chance to score.
I leave church disappointed,
But encouraged by what I saw.
I guess I’m at the right place
Just got to be quicker to the draw.
Next week I’ll do better
Next week I’ll show up on time
I’ll sit closer to the front
And I’ll be the first one in line.
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