Hi there! My name is Robert. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about Atheism? Thanks so much!
Do you know where you’re going when you die? Not sure, huh? I wasn’t either, until I found the saving knowledge of Atheism. Now I have the answer to that nagging question. Do you want to know what that answer is, friend? I’ll tell you: Nowhere! There is nothing after death, just a big, beautiful void. We are born, and then we die! Simple as that. Isn’t that easier to think about then those big, ethereal, lofty concepts of “heaven” and “hell”? I sure think so! I mean, who wants to go to hell? Certainly not me! I say eternity, you say void! Eternity? Void! Eternity? Void! Hahaha, I love cheers.
What’s that? Oh, why thank you, I’d love a glass of lemonade!
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. Did you know that God doesn’t love you? Hah, well, it’s not because you’re not lovable! No sir.
It’s because God doesn’t exist. There’s not a lot of time left before the world ends, and when it does, you’d better hope that you don’t believe in God! Because if you do, well… Then you’ll be wrong! And who would want to die wrong? You don’t look like a die-wronger. Are you? Are you a die wronger? I hope not.
You know what else isn’t going to happen? God isn’t going to judge us for all we’ve done. That’s right, there is no supreme moral authority! Last night when you stayed up until 3am squinting at a scrambled version of Skin-a-max, no one cared! God didn’t see that; how could He see that if He didn’t exist?! Gosh, that makes you feel peaceful inside, doesn’t it? Sure does me, or maybe that’s your fantastic lemonade! Hahaha, I’m just being silly.
Really though, Jesus doesn’t love you. He probably existed, but He was just a man, perhaps even a schizophrenic! You don’t like crazy people, do you? I hope you don’t, or I’ll have to leave this lemonade and run out the door! Hahaha! Oh I’m just joshin’ with ya!
What’s that you say? Oh, this book I’m carrying? Hah, no no no, this is not a Bible. Wouldn’t be caught dead with one of those! This here is a leather bound copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time. This book is called Science, and it’s what we Atheists believe in. The cool thing about it is that it changes literally every day, unlike all those “theistic” religions with their dusty, thousand-year-old tomes.
So what do you think? Would you like to become an Atheist?
Great! I’m so happy that you’ve discovered the real truth. If you could just repeat the following statements after me; you’re moments away from becoming an Atheist!
I hearby choose to believe in only what I can see, touch, taste, or have sex with. I choose to believe in myself, my own happiness, and not in the Boogey Man. I choose to make “carpe diem” my new mantra, savoring every smile, flower, and sexy celebrity tabloid I can find. I choose to seize every opportunity, because today could be the last chance I get to drop acid. I choose to stop feeling bad when puppies die or when my uncle bites it, because that would take away from my enjoyment of TMZ while on acid. I choose to believe that Evolution chose to put me at the top of the food chain which makes everything else on Earth my bitch. I choose to believe in freedom.
Fantastic! You’re an Atheist now! Welcome! Now that you’re an Atheist, there’s a few things to remember: every single day, you must not believe in God or any religion. You must party like there’s no tomorrow.
Thanks so much for your time, and God bless! Hahaha, just kidding!
Photo copyright Zoomtard on Flickr