Dear Evangelical Community,
Hello. My name is Christopher Benson. You can call me Topher. Unless you workout at Cardinal Fitness in West Pittsburgh or have a child in K – 5th grade PE at Samuel Adams Elementary, chances are good that we have never met. Despite the fact that we are strangers, I feel I owe you an apology. Without even meaning to I have recently impacted your lives, your hearts, and your iPods in a tragic and permanent way. I have come to humbly beg for forgiveness.
You’re probably wondering, “man, what terrible thing did this guy do? Did he vote Democrat? Did he visit San Francisco?” Sadly, it was much worse than that. You see, back in the early 2000’s, I was dating this singer/songwriter chick named Jennifer Knapp, and…well…I’ll just say it: I’m pretty sure I turned her gay.
Not that it’s any consolation, but I promise it was an accident. When I met Jenn she seemed like all the other nice, decently cute (call her a 7.5), heterosexual girls I’ve dated in the past. We dated for about two years, and, not only did we have an awesome couple name (Jenntopher), I thought we had a really great time together.
We were both into the same things like sports, music, professional wrestling, and my body. Plus, she always seemed to get a kick out of my jokes about her last name. Like when I wiped barbeque sauce all over her shirt and called her a “Knappkin.” There was that other time she was in a crappy mood and I said “sounds like Jennifer needs a Knapp!” Yeah bro, I went there. Or the other time when I threw her over my shoulder and walked around Six Flags calling her my “Knapp-sack.” She wasn’t laughing, but I could tell she got the joke.
Things were going good for like a year, but then, completely out of nowhere, she started getting crazy. And I’m not talking fun, Britney Spears crazy. I’m talking scary, Rosie O’Donnell crazy. Looking back, that probably should have been my first clue that Jenn was…different. But what can I say? I was young. I was also going through a thirty-rack of Bud Heavy every two days or so. Certain things were missed.
Jenn was always saying things like, “You’ve never supported me as an artist” which was dumb because she knew full well that I gave away all my copies of her CDs just so my friends could learn to love her music too. And she would always bring up the fact that I’d never technically “been” to one of her concerts even though I had told her many times that it wasn’t personal. I just get creeped out by chicks playing the guitar. Always have, always will.
Needless to say, things didn’t work out between us. She moved to Australia, I moved in with my mom for awhile. It was no different from any other breakup, and I figured she’d go back to dating boys and I’d go back to dating girls, just like we did before we met. I swear, I was just as shocked as you when I found out she was a dy…that she was gay.
Of course, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. (Note: turns out this saying has nothing to do with how good your eyesight is when you’re checking out a chick’s caboose. That’s another thing Jennifer taught me.) Looking back on our tumultuous relationship, I can see many things I should have done differently. I probably shouldn’t have called her a “frumpy version of Rebecca St. James.” I probably shouldn’t have told her about all the things I wanted to do to Jaci Valasquez. I probably shouldn’t have shacked up with her sister that one Thanksgiving.
I probably shouldn’t have done a lot of things. Let me reiterate, I was drinking a lot in those days. But this letter isn’t about the past. It’s about the future. And in the future, Jennifer Knapp is gay and Topher Benson is really sorry about it.
The fact that it was an accident and that it happened nearly a decade ago does not excuse what I’ve done. I’ve taken something from all of you and I’m not just talking about the CDs you had to destroy by ritual fire. I’m talking about Jennifer Knapp. I’m talking about the role model, the spiritual adviser, and the sex symbol who was sensual but still wearing a shirt. I’ve ruined yet another safe alternative to Katy Perry, and for this and for everything else I am truly, sadly, deeply sorry.
There’s nothing I can do to take away the pain I have caused. I can only offer my sincere apologies and my solemn promise that I will never again turn a beloved Christian pop singer into a lesbian. This is all I have to give and I hope it is enough.
This egomaniac should find another outlet for his embarrassment and emasculation. I cannot IMAGINE what Jennifer Knapp EVER saw in a self-aggrandizing douche like this guy. Gay or straight, no woman should EVER go out with this guy. Be warned ladies, this article is how this guy thinks. Yikes!
Geezus, I agree! I can’t believe how highly you think of yourself and how you’d put anyone down the way you did. You are what’s wrong with people. Let’s talk when you come out of the closet and stop being such a jack ass. Sounds like you need to find Jesus again dude…
You know it’s a joke, right?
You say that Jennifer Knapp would have been a safe alternative to people like Katy Perry. But what you may not know is that Katy Perry was a teenager when Jennifer Knapp was a popular Christian artist, and Katy Perry was actually influenced by Jennifer Knapp’s music. Knapp was someone Katy Perry admired back when Katy was a Christian music artist herself. Katy left Christian music just like Jennifer left Christian music. Apology accepted. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just be kinder to the next lady and GO TO HER CONCERTS!
You didn’t take a thing away from me douchebag. I listen to her music because it’s awesome and could care less that she is gay. I’m also quite sure that you didn’t have anything to do with that. I’m sure the only thing you have had a hand in is sending all your straight ex girlfriends running away screaming, in the opposite direction of you.
I like this comment!!!!! DJ
Whatever you’re trying to achieve here is lost on me. It’s not funny. It’s not sincere. You certainly aren’t doing it to help your ex or any music fan. It’s self gratifying, gratuitous, obnoxious, and you just sound like a frat boy that never grew up. What an ass.
Ha ha what a fucking douche Christopher benson! I’ve dated many men (Grew up in a christian house hold) and I’m now married to a woman! Those men didn’t make me bisexual!!! Get off your high horse!! You had and have nothing to do with Jennifer Knapp’s destiny.
You flatter yourself….
Dyke smile says it all.
Wow. You’re a POS. Glad she escaped your egocentric stupidity.
Some people clearly don’t know satire when they see it. Both the article and the reactions are hilarious.
Amen brother. You should write a book on how not to turn a woman gay. Toy arm to know the ins and outs.
This person can not be real, what a hoax.
Wow, what a douchebag. I hope you’re lonely.
First let me say that it was hardly an apology, but more of an announcement. It reeks of Narcissism. First off, sorry to tell you bro, but you’re incapable of changing another persons sexuality and it is sad that this is news to you. Secondly, are you a misogynist? I am pretty sure you are a misogynist and THAT will end even the strongest relationships. I can likely win a bet that THAT is why it ended. Also… who doesn’t go to their person’s concert? Not even one!? Didn’t you ever wonder if someone else who loved her too, would make that very easy gesture? I mean you’re not a tough act to follow, dude.
You’re probably right. You’re so bad, you must be the first and only person to ever turn someone gay. So bad, I’m pretty sure you turned me gay as well.
Question: Does your head fit through a door?