Hollywood Palladium

Judd Apatow

Film maker and cultural juggernaut Judd Apatow is mad.  And when Judd Apatow gets mad, children under the age of eighteen should be immediately removed from earshot.

“It’s bull****, man,” raves a wild-eyed Apatow, spittle dripping from his unkempt man-beard.  “Those ******s don’t know who they’re dealing with.”

The cause of this ire?  The Motion Picture Association of America’s rating of his upcoming film Sex, Swearing, and Seth Rogan starring Seth Rogan.  The film, as with all of Apatow’s previous works, has been given a “hard R” by the MPAA.   This marks the fifteenth consecutive R-rated film for Apatow – dating back to Su Madre es una Puta, a short film he made for his Spanish II class in high school – and Apatow has grown weary of the rating.

“We were really gunning for the NC-17 this time,” said Apatow. “Kids are getting filthier today, at an earlier age and it’s getting harder and harder to keep pace.  Used to be, kids didn’t even know what a %!@# was.  I heard a ten year-old call his mother that last week.”

Mr. Apatow – who is praised for his groundbreaking work in the fields of teenage drinking, teenage sex, teenage marijuana use, and genital jokes – says an R-rating today is equivalent, in terms of controversy, to most PG films in the late 90s.

“For guys like me, operating in the ever-shifting borderlands between pornography and poor taste, the R-rating has kind of been neutered.  If you want to realistically portray a conversation between two sixteen year-old kids, you’re gonna have to say words like $%^&#-spelunker, #@$!-sandwich, and *!&%-monkey.  At this point, it’s NC-17 or irrelevance.”

Apatow credits the internet, high school locker rooms, and HBO for the precipitous decline in youth morality, while downplaying the accolades he has received for his popularization of the “F” word.  He also does not like discussing his string of recent hit films, which include Superbad, Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Pineapple Express. He blushes modestly as I read several glowing reviews, which acclaim his work as both “deplorably irresponsible” and “unconscionable, low-brow smut.”  Never one to rest on his laurels, Apatow is focusing on taking his work to the next level.

“The [NC-] 17 has always been the Holy Grail for me; my Moby D*** if you will.  I came close with [The 40 Year-Old] Virgin, but Steve Carrell, that gutless %$!#@, wouldn’t do full frontal.”  He adds, “I really thought this one would put us over the top.”

Mr. Apatow was frustrated to learn that, despite breaking Good Will Hunting‘s longstanding record for most F-word’s in a single film, Sex, Swearing and Seth Rogan was not fowl enough to warrant the coveted NC-17.  Other objectionable content includes: animals and small children under the influence of crystal meth, Jonah Hill in various stages of undress, the unnatural use of fruits and vegetables, and a shockingly graphic scene involving Paul Rudd, Bill Hader, and several High School Musical action figures.  Despite this laundry list of filth, the MPAA still deemed the movie appropriate for children under the age of seventeen as long as they are accompanied by a responsible adult.

Undeterred, Apatow has commited to do whatever it takes to get this film to NC-17 levels of perversion.

“We’re going back to the editing room.  You can bet I’ll be giving those ferrets a more prominent role, and I might have Michael Cera wait to O/D until after the strippers leave.  If that doesn’t do it, I swear I’m going to  *&^$% my pants.”

Sex, Swearing, and Seth Rogan was initially slated for an August release, but Apatow reported that the premiere will now have to be postponed until after several of the actresses celebrate their eighteenth birthdays.  Look for it in select theatres around Christmas.