By: Harry Potter

Those of you out there who have spent over 500 weeks on the New York Times Bestsellers List will know the…oh wait…that’s right.  I’m the only one who’s done that.  I guess I’ll  just tell you.  Once you’ve been the king, it is difficult to bear an effeminate and unworthy successor to your throne.  That is why – after spending a decade being translated into 67 languages, selling 400 million books, being optioned for film, and inspiring several pornographic knockoffs – I have returned to cast a spell of derision over the literary skid mark that is Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series.

I almost feel silly dignifying the likes of Edward Cullen with my attention.  In the hierarchy of the magical realm, vampires rank just above flobberworms and just below merpeople.  They’re the kind of people you might sell some old jewelry to, but you wouldn’t want to sit next to them at the movies.  How Bella Swan managed to fall in love with one is beyond me.  Perhaps she was raised in a swamp by a family of manticores!  Hahaha!  I jest.  This is impossible of course, manticores eat their young.

What I mean to say is: vampires are petty, unhygienic parasites and it is impossible to center a compelling narrative around them.  I’m sure there have been some perfectly decent vampires in the past (Hugh Jackman and Michelle Obama seem relatively normal), but let’s be honest, Edward Cullen isn’t one of them.  He is perhaps the least interesting immortal bloodsucker since Sesame Street’s Count von Count – all weepy glances and waxed eyebrows but no brawn and balls.  Edward Cullen is me if I’d been sent to live in Dawson’s Creek instead of Hogwarts.

He’s, like, 100 years old, right?  What has he done with his life?  Eaten a bunch of animals and gotten completely whipped by a neurotic muggle.  That’s it.  Shoot, by my fifteenth birthday, I’d gained control of the Ministry of Magic, killed Lord Voldemort (twice!), and destroyed a whole ton of Horcruxes.  All Mr. Cullen has to show for his century on earth are a few whore crushes. (see what I did there?)

For those fortunate enough to not have read Twilight, here’s a brief synopsis.  Insecure girl moves to Washington State.  Insecure girl falls in love with beautiful vampire (a logical impossibility).  Vampire battle ensues.  Beautiful vampire goes into hiding to save insecure girl.  In her grief, insecure girl turns to werewolf for comfort.  Heavy petting ensues (PUN!).  Beautiful vampire returns.  Steals insecure girl from werewolf.  Marries and impregnates insecure girl.  Vampire supreme court rules their child an abomination.  Custody battle ensues.  Beautiful vampire and insecure girl are exonerated.  The end.

Did you notice that bit at the end?  That’s right, this “epic” series of love, loss, and redemption ends with a court case.  Also, the jilted werewolf marries the daughter of the vampire and the girl.  It’s weird, probably illegal.  It also reads like a John Grisham novel would if Mr. Grisham had stayed home and watched Days of our Lives instead of going to college.

Doesn’t it feel like something is missing?  Don’t you want more?  Wouldn’t you like – and I’m just going off the top of my head here – an epic struggle between the forces of good and an all-powerful lord of unspeakable evil?  Wouldn’t you like to see the protagonist battle through insecurity, adolescence, and a whole army of glumbumbles only to simultaneously save the world and avenge his parent’s death in a battle so intense it would make Frodo Baggins deuce in his pants?    Maybe not.  Maybe you prefer vampire court TV.

Take it from me, you deserve a higher caliber of fantasy fiction.  If you’re looking for a good 600-page book this summer, I have at least seven alternatives I’d be happy to recommend.  If you really need a vampire fix, get some Count Chocula and stare at the box.  I promise you’ll get more enjoyment from the nutritional facts on the side than you will from the 2,500 pages of the Twilight series.

P.S. Go see my movie.  It’ll change your life.  There aren’t any vampires, but there is some pretty serious neck sucking.  Hermione has a thing for hickies.  What are you gonna do, right?