This is the second installment in a new TTM series called “Biased Reviews.”  It is part of our broader initiative to oppose impartiality, fairness, and intelligent discourse of all kinds. You can read the first one here.

The Jolie-Pitt Twins: Cute Cast, Unimpressive Producers

By: Jennifer Aniston

Before I get into this let me just say that I really, really, really love kids.  I love kids so much I once divorced my husband because he said he didn’t want to have kids.  Also, he may have been cheating.  We’ll never know.  The point is, I think children – almost without exception – are precious gifts from heaven that should be cherished, and treasured, and dressed up in Raggedy Ann outfits and taken trick-or-treating.  That being said, am I the only one who is a little creeped out by Angelina Jolie’s most recent kids?

In a classic case of quantity over quality, Mrs. Jolie has embarked on yet another infantile publicity stunt that is long angelina_jolie_twins_photo2on gigantic foreheads and misshapen noses, but short on personality and motor skills.  My impressions of the latest Jolie-Pitt collaboration drifted from “incredulous” to “underwhelmed,” lingered briefly around “depressed” and eventually settled somewhere in the vicinity of “probably-an-accident.”  The ill-conceived double feature will no doubt draw comparisons to Die Hard IV and the final season of The OC, in that it is an unnecessary and irrelevant chapter in a once enjoyable, now depleted franchise.

With their vaguely European-but-not-quite titles, Knox Léon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt briefly call to mind the epic celebrity babies of days-gone-by (see: Moxie Crimefighter Jillette and Pilot Inspektor Lee).   Unfortunately, a shortage of name brand onesies and morning show appearances makes the pair come off as dull, maybe even disabled.   The directorial decision to debut the twins in France definitely did not do them any favors, and honestly, when you’re preceded into this world by a menagerie of exotic characters unseen anywhere since the beginning of The Lion King, where can you go but down?

Was it wrong for me to expect a little production value out of this one?  This is, after all, the director’s fifth time around.  You’d think she’d figure out how to make a decent one by now.  Did you know the budget for the first publicity photos was something like $14 million dollars?  When I heard that I remember thinking, “Geez, how many Michael Phelps bong pictures could they have gotten with that money?”  The answer is 23.3.

I know a good baby when I see one and I’ll tell you this: Knox Jolie-Pitt was clearly not who Scott Stapp from Creed was singing about in “Arms Wide Open” nor was Vivienne who John Mayer had in mind when he penned his timeless classic “Daughters.”  They came close.  Perhaps with a bit more makeup or a bit longer in post-production they could have joined the Hollywood baby elite.  As it stands, they’ll probably end up like the Olsen twins: emaciated, addicted to coke, and uncomfortably intimate with an aging John Stamos.

In the end, my problem is not so much with the pint-sized protagonists, but with their producers.  I’m told the creators of this series are two of the most beautiful people on the planet.  To be honest, I don’t see it.  But still, with so many attractive people involved in this project you would think the finished product would be the most shockingly adorable baby this side of Bethlehem.  These kids don’t come close.  In fact, if you put them in a bathtub with the other toddlers I watch at the park on Saturday mornings, they are maybe a 6.5 (and that’s only if the cute little Indian kids with gigantic eyes don’t show up.)

This is due in part to the fact that they are shadowed by a subtle yet undeniable “my father is an asshole” motif.  The rest of the blame can be placed squarely on the bony shoulders of the female producer.  I am familiar with this woman’s previous work and everything she does strikes me as a bit, you know…whorish.  Can I say that?  Whorish?  I’ll just say it.  I think their mother is a whore.

That pretty much sums it up.