What follows is a review of the cabaret show which has been advertised right next to this sentence for the past several weeks. Conor went to the show last week and wanted to write a review. Unfortunately, between working, long- distance relationshiping, and watching Olsen Twin movies his plate is pretty full. Not wanting to let a bit of culture go unreviewed, I have decided to write the review for him. Since I have not actually seen the show, I will base my analysis off things Conor has told me about it. Since he passed out sometime during Act 5, I will be supplementing his report with what I imagine it was like. Conor has agreed to go behind and fact check. True statements will be denoted with an asterisk. Enjoy.
* = true statement
“Hot Beans Delivers” is a cabaret show.* Not to be confused with a cabernet sauvignon which I’m told is something else entirely.* This conflation of terms caused me a good deal of confusion as I could not figure out why Roger Ebert would call a glass of fermented grape juice, “the funniest show I’ve seen since Brokeback Mountain and not nearly as gay.” Fortuitously, the buxom bar wench at Davenport’s Piano Bar and Cabaret was kind enough to inform me that what I was about to witness was actually a form of entertainment featuring comedy, song, dance, and theater, distinguished mainly by the performance venue.*
My initial bewilderment resolved, I grabbed some whiskey and settled in for two hours of hardcore couple-on-cabaret action. I was not disappointed.* The comedic duo known as “Hot Beans” wowed the mostly non-violent audience with musical medleys,* stand-up comedy,* and an impressive array of musical instruments from the piano* to the didgeridoo. Within mere minutes they had overwhelmed my senses with hilarious covers of obscure songs from the 80’s,* Tom Selleck references,* and light-hearted yet sincere commentary on the pitfalls and pleasures of married life.* In addition to rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens, these are all of my favorite things.
Had it lasted only 15 minutes, I would have been more than satisfied with my experience,* but Mr. and Mrs. Hot Beans are true professionals* and they would not be satisfied until I had been rendered dumb-struck and fluid-depleted by a panoply of pyrotechnics, pirate jokes, and panda bears the likes of which are rarely witnessed this side of Chinatown.
The casual bar-goer will appreciate the Hot Beans show in that it is funny, musical, and a better than decent excuse for a night of irresponsible drinking.* Discerning cabaret connoisseurs, however, will find enjoyment in the many-layered sublimity of the performance. On the surface, the show can of course be appreciated for its comedy and social commentary.* Dig a bit deeper though, and it can be enjoyed for what it truly is: a contemporary reimagining of Beowulf. On a Biblical level, it can be enjoyed as a musical recreation of the Garden of Eden (gratuitous nudity and all – parents be warned!). And on a psychedelic level it can be enjoyed as a phantasmagorical dreamscape replete with packing peanuts, merpeople, and Teletubby costumes.
I truly cannot say enough about how much I enjoyed this show.* The Chuck E Cheese bit,* the impersonations of famous musicians,* the glow sticks, the Gary Coleman cameo, I loved it all! I had planned on spending the next three Fridays as I usually do; playing with LEGOs and eating Skittles.* Having seen “Hot Beans Delivers” this mundane amusement can no longer satisfy. I will now be sitting at a little bar off Milwaukee Ave, mouth agape in stupefied wonder of the musical miracle to be found there.
I sincerely hope I have convinced you that “Hot Beans Delivers” is an experience you don’t want to miss.* If I have not, perhaps this will. If each and every one of you do not attend the show sometime between now and its September 11th closing night, I’m going to visit your home, take off my pants, and [removed by Conor] on the nearest ottoman.*