Movies | The Talking Mirror HUMOR, SATIRE, AND CULTURAL CRITICISM FROM A COUPLE OF CONSERVATIVE BADASSES Tue, 05 Jun 2018 12:13:01 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Movies | The Talking Mirror 32 32 Apatow Disappointed With Upcoming Film’s “R” Rating Sun, 16 Oct 2016 21:15:14 +0000
Hollywood Palladium

Judd Apatow

Film maker and cultural juggernaut Judd Apatow is mad.  And when Judd Apatow gets mad, children under the age of eighteen should be immediately removed from earshot.

“It’s bull****, man,” raves a wild-eyed Apatow, spittle dripping from his unkempt man-beard.  “Those ******s don’t know who they’re dealing with.”

The cause of this ire?  The Motion Picture Association of America’s rating of his upcoming film Sex, Swearing, and Seth Rogan starring Seth Rogan.  The film, as with all of Apatow’s previous works, has been given a “hard R” by the MPAA.   This marks the fifteenth consecutive R-rated film for Apatow – dating back to Su Madre es una Puta, a short film he made for his Spanish II class in high school – and Apatow has grown weary of the rating.

“We were really gunning for the NC-17 this time,” said Apatow. “Kids are getting filthier today, at an earlier age and it’s getting harder and harder to keep pace.  Used to be, kids didn’t even know what a %!@# was.  I heard a ten year-old call his mother that last week.”

Mr. Apatow – who is praised for his groundbreaking work in the fields of teenage drinking, teenage sex, teenage marijuana use, and genital jokes – says an R-rating today is equivalent, in terms of controversy, to most PG films in the late 90s.

“For guys like me, operating in the ever-shifting borderlands between pornography and poor taste, the R-rating has kind of been neutered.  If you want to realistically portray a conversation between two sixteen year-old kids, you’re gonna have to say words like $%^&#-spelunker, #@$!-sandwich, and *!&%-monkey.  At this point, it’s NC-17 or irrelevance.”

Apatow credits the internet, high school locker rooms, and HBO for the precipitous decline in youth morality, while downplaying the accolades he has received for his popularization of the “F” word.  He also does not like discussing his string of recent hit films, which include Superbad, Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Pineapple Express. He blushes modestly as I read several glowing reviews, which acclaim his work as both “deplorably irresponsible” and “unconscionable, low-brow smut.”  Never one to rest on his laurels, Apatow is focusing on taking his work to the next level.

“The [NC-] 17 has always been the Holy Grail for me; my Moby D*** if you will.  I came close with [The 40 Year-Old] Virgin, but Steve Carrell, that gutless %$!#@, wouldn’t do full frontal.”  He adds, “I really thought this one would put us over the top.”

Mr. Apatow was frustrated to learn that, despite breaking Good Will Hunting‘s longstanding record for most F-word’s in a single film, Sex, Swearing and Seth Rogan was not fowl enough to warrant the coveted NC-17.  Other objectionable content includes: animals and small children under the influence of crystal meth, Jonah Hill in various stages of undress, the unnatural use of fruits and vegetables, and a shockingly graphic scene involving Paul Rudd, Bill Hader, and several High School Musical action figures.  Despite this laundry list of filth, the MPAA still deemed the movie appropriate for children under the age of seventeen as long as they are accompanied by a responsible adult.

Undeterred, Apatow has commited to do whatever it takes to get this film to NC-17 levels of perversion.

“We’re going back to the editing room.  You can bet I’ll be giving those ferrets a more prominent role, and I might have Michael Cera wait to O/D until after the strippers leave.  If that doesn’t do it, I swear I’m going to  *&^$% my pants.”

Sex, Swearing, and Seth Rogan was initially slated for an August release, but Apatow reported that the premiere will now have to be postponed until after several of the actresses celebrate their eighteenth birthdays.  Look for it in select theatres around Christmas.

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Biased Reviews: Jennifer Aniston on the Jolie-Pitt Twins Sun, 16 Oct 2016 20:24:27 +0000 This is the second installment in a new TTM series called “Biased Reviews.”  It is part of our broader initiative to oppose impartiality, fairness, and intelligent discourse of all kinds. You can read the first one here.

The Jolie-Pitt Twins: Cute Cast, Unimpressive Producers

By: Jennifer Aniston

Before I get into this let me just say that I really, really, really love kids.  I love kids so much I once divorced my husband because he said he didn’t want to have kids.  Also, he may have been cheating.  We’ll never know.  The point is, I think children – almost without exception – are precious gifts from heaven that should be cherished, and treasured, and dressed up in Raggedy Ann outfits and taken trick-or-treating.  That being said, am I the only one who is a little creeped out by Angelina Jolie’s most recent kids?

In a classic case of quantity over quality, Mrs. Jolie has embarked on yet another infantile publicity stunt that is long angelina_jolie_twins_photo2on gigantic foreheads and misshapen noses, but short on personality and motor skills.  My impressions of the latest Jolie-Pitt collaboration drifted from “incredulous” to “underwhelmed,” lingered briefly around “depressed” and eventually settled somewhere in the vicinity of “probably-an-accident.”  The ill-conceived double feature will no doubt draw comparisons to Die Hard IV and the final season of The OC, in that it is an unnecessary and irrelevant chapter in a once enjoyable, now depleted franchise.

With their vaguely European-but-not-quite titles, Knox Léon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt briefly call to mind the epic celebrity babies of days-gone-by (see: Moxie Crimefighter Jillette and Pilot Inspektor Lee).   Unfortunately, a shortage of name brand onesies and morning show appearances makes the pair come off as dull, maybe even disabled.   The directorial decision to debut the twins in France definitely did not do them any favors, and honestly, when you’re preceded into this world by a menagerie of exotic characters unseen anywhere since the beginning of The Lion King, where can you go but down?

Was it wrong for me to expect a little production value out of this one?  This is, after all, the director’s fifth time around.  You’d think she’d figure out how to make a decent one by now.  Did you know the budget for the first publicity photos was something like $14 million dollars?  When I heard that I remember thinking, “Geez, how many Michael Phelps bong pictures could they have gotten with that money?”  The answer is 23.3.

I know a good baby when I see one and I’ll tell you this: Knox Jolie-Pitt was clearly not who Scott Stapp from Creed was singing about in “Arms Wide Open” nor was Vivienne who John Mayer had in mind when he penned his timeless classic “Daughters.”  They came close.  Perhaps with a bit more makeup or a bit longer in post-production they could have joined the Hollywood baby elite.  As it stands, they’ll probably end up like the Olsen twins: emaciated, addicted to coke, and uncomfortably intimate with an aging John Stamos.

In the end, my problem is not so much with the pint-sized protagonists, but with their producers.  I’m told the creators of this series are two of the most beautiful people on the planet.  To be honest, I don’t see it.  But still, with so many attractive people involved in this project you would think the finished product would be the most shockingly adorable baby this side of Bethlehem.  These kids don’t come close.  In fact, if you put them in a bathtub with the other toddlers I watch at the park on Saturday mornings, they are maybe a 6.5 (and that’s only if the cute little Indian kids with gigantic eyes don’t show up.)

This is due in part to the fact that they are shadowed by a subtle yet undeniable “my father is an asshole” motif.  The rest of the blame can be placed squarely on the bony shoulders of the female producer.  I am familiar with this woman’s previous work and everything she does strikes me as a bit, you know…whorish.  Can I say that?  Whorish?  I’ll just say it.  I think their mother is a whore.

That pretty much sums it up.

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Biased Reviews: Harry Potter Tears Twilight a New Dumbledore Sun, 16 Oct 2016 20:17:41 +0000


By: Harry Potter

Those of you out there who have spent over 500 weeks on the New York Times Bestsellers List will know the…oh wait…that’s right.  I’m the only one who’s done that.  I guess I’ll  just tell you.  Once you’ve been the king, it is difficult to bear an effeminate and unworthy successor to your throne.  That is why – after spending a decade being translated into 67 languages, selling 400 million books, being optioned for film, and inspiring several pornographic knockoffs – I have returned to cast a spell of derision over the literary skid mark that is Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series.

I almost feel silly dignifying the likes of Edward Cullen with my attention.  In the hierarchy of the magical realm, vampires rank just above flobberworms and just below merpeople.  They’re the kind of people you might sell some old jewelry to, but you wouldn’t want to sit next to them at the movies.  How Bella Swan managed to fall in love with one is beyond me.  Perhaps she was raised in a swamp by a family of manticores!  Hahaha!  I jest.  This is impossible of course, manticores eat their young.

What I mean to say is: vampires are petty, unhygienic parasites and it is impossible to center a compelling narrative around them.  I’m sure there have been some perfectly decent vampires in the past (Hugh Jackman and Michelle Obama seem relatively normal), but let’s be honest, Edward Cullen isn’t one of them.  He is perhaps the least interesting immortal bloodsucker since Sesame Street’s Count von Count – all weepy glances and waxed eyebrows but no brawn and balls.  Edward Cullen is me if I’d been sent to live in Dawson’s Creek instead of Hogwarts.

He’s, like, 100 years old, right?  What has he done with his life?  Eaten a bunch of animals and gotten completely whipped by a neurotic muggle.  That’s it.  Shoot, by my fifteenth birthday, I’d gained control of the Ministry of Magic, killed Lord Voldemort (twice!), and destroyed a whole ton of Horcruxes.  All Mr. Cullen has to show for his century on earth are a few whore crushes. (see what I did there?)

For those fortunate enough to not have read Twilight, here’s a brief synopsis.  Insecure girl moves to Washington State.  Insecure girl falls in love with beautiful vampire (a logical impossibility).  Vampire battle ensues.  Beautiful vampire goes into hiding to save insecure girl.  In her grief, insecure girl turns to werewolf for comfort.  Heavy petting ensues (PUN!).  Beautiful vampire returns.  Steals insecure girl from werewolf.  Marries and impregnates insecure girl.  Vampire supreme court rules their child an abomination.  Custody battle ensues.  Beautiful vampire and insecure girl are exonerated.  The end.

Did you notice that bit at the end?  That’s right, this “epic” series of love, loss, and redemption ends with a court case.  Also, the jilted werewolf marries the daughter of the vampire and the girl.  It’s weird, probably illegal.  It also reads like a John Grisham novel would if Mr. Grisham had stayed home and watched Days of our Lives instead of going to college.

Doesn’t it feel like something is missing?  Don’t you want more?  Wouldn’t you like – and I’m just going off the top of my head here – an epic struggle between the forces of good and an all-powerful lord of unspeakable evil?  Wouldn’t you like to see the protagonist battle through insecurity, adolescence, and a whole army of glumbumbles only to simultaneously save the world and avenge his parent’s death in a battle so intense it would make Frodo Baggins deuce in his pants?    Maybe not.  Maybe you prefer vampire court TV.

Take it from me, you deserve a higher caliber of fantasy fiction.  If you’re looking for a good 600-page book this summer, I have at least seven alternatives I’d be happy to recommend.  If you really need a vampire fix, get some Count Chocula and stare at the box.  I promise you’ll get more enjoyment from the nutritional facts on the side than you will from the 2,500 pages of the Twilight series.

P.S. Go see my movie.  It’ll change your life.  There aren’t any vampires, but there is some pretty serious neck sucking.  Hermione has a thing for hickies.  What are you gonna do, right?

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Biased Reviews: Brother Bear reviews “Where the Wild Things Are” Sun, 16 Oct 2016 05:59:25 +0000 By: Brother Bear

By: Brother Bear

“One of the year’s best.” – Entertainment Weekly

“The hipster equivalent of Star Wars.” – NPR’s, All Things Considered

“Briefly made life worth living.” – Roger Ebert

“Mostly good, kinda scary…[annoying, non-sensical ramblings]” – Sister Bear

Blah, blah, blah.  Can we all just get off the “Where the Wild Things Are” superlative-train already?  I get it.  Spike Jonze is a genius.  Special effects are fun.  “Where the Wild Things Are” touched us all in special places when we were kids.  Whatever.   I just can’t figure out why this movie is getting the kind of media rub-down usually reserved for Bear-ack Obama and anything Tina Fey does.  Sure, wolf costumes can be fun, and I can appreciate a wild rumpus as much as the next San Franciscan on Halloween, but is that all we expect from our children’s literature these days?  Where’s the life lesson?  Where’s the moral?  Where’s the takeaway that is both universal and specific?

Am I alone in this?  Wouldn’t you rather see a movie that was both instructive and entertaining?  Where are the Wild Things?  Who cares!  What have the Wild Things learned about sharing?  That’s what I want to know.  Escapism and imagination are all well and good, but what can Max and the Wild Things tell me about talking to strangers, having bad dreams, or dealing with bullies?  I know that may be a bit much to ask from a ten-sentence book written by a hippie who was subsisting on a steady diet of humanism and bong resin, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask from a feature-length film in the Post-Pixar Age.

I also thought the MPAA was a tad generous with its PG rating.  Call me old fashioned, but I know Mama Bear would get her polka-dot PJs all in a twist if she knew I’d seen a movie filled with violence, threats of violence, cannibalism, threats of cannibalism, and mixed gender “sleep piles.”  There’s even a part (SPOILER ALERT) where one of the cross-bred freaks – voiced by James Gandolfini – rips one of the other cross-bred freak’s arm off!  I haven’t seen violence that grotesque since the day Grizzly Adams came to Bear Country and shot Mayor Honeypot with a high caliber rifle.  It was like a scene right out of The Sopranos, except Gandolfini wasn’t wheezing as loud.

But even that I could have overlooked if there had been a wholesome, redemptive message at the end.  The Wild Things Tone it Down a Bit.  The Wild Things Learn About Assault and Battery.  The Wild Things Face Prison Time.  Anything!  Having a moral doesn’t mean a story can’t be gritty.  Look at us in Bear Country!  Whether dealing with Too-Tall Grizzly’s anti-panda bigotry, or Papa Bear’s continuing struggles with honey addiction, we don’t pull any punches.  We’re helping real kids deal with real issues, while also showing that bears aren’t as dangerous as the hate-mongers in the National Park Service would have them believe.  At least the bears wearing pants, that is.

“Where the Wild Things Are” teaches nothing.  It’s an endless barrage of romping, frolicking, cavorting, and dilly-dallying, which serves only to create confusion around the ethics and consequences of bird-bull-goat-monkey breeding.  Not since my ill-advised date with that tramp Queenie McBear can I remember a less-edifying use of two hours.

Had this movie come out before “The Berenstain Bears and No Guns Allowed,” things would have gone very poorly for those involved with this project.  Fortunately for them, Brother Bear never forgets a lesson.  Fortunately for me, “The Berenstain Bears Learn About Hate Mail” isn’t due out until Summer 2010.  That little d-bag, Max Records, will be well acquainted with my feelings by that time.

You bet your ass I do.

You bet your ass I do.

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Biased Reviews: A 5th Grader Reports on Avatar Sun, 16 Oct 2016 05:46:49 +0000 With so much reveling, carousing, and dri – uhh…bowl game watching going on in recent days, it’s been tough to find time to sate TTM’s insatiable hunger for fresh content.  Fortunately, my 12 year-old cousin is not old enough to dri – umm…doesn’t like football, and therefore had plenty of free time.  While on Christmas Break, Benjamin’s class was asked to write a report on a movie that he saw or a book that he read.  Like every other 5th grader this side of Pyongyang, Benjamin saw “Avatar”.  He has graciously submitted his “movie report” for publication on this site.

SPOILER ALERT: He pretty much gives away the whole movie.

BY: Benjamin Woodyard

BY: Benjamin Woodyard

I want to tell you guys out there about the movie Avatar. It’s so cool.  The dragons are so cool.  The floating mountains are so cool.  The main guy (I forget his name) is so cool.  I think pretty much everyone thinks it’s probably the best movie of all time.  Some people might say Harry Potter or Monsters Inc. or something else is better, but that’s probably because they saw it in a normal theater instead of in 3-D which is how I saw it.

Avatar is about this soldier who’s in a wheelchair for some reason we don’t know about.  (Probably from fighting the terrorists in Detroit.)  He goes in a space ship to another planet which is kind of like Earth except cooler because they have aliens and dragons.

When he gets to the new planet he meets this army general who talks about how everyone wants to kill the people but how the people are going to kill everyone first because the people have guns and no one else does.  I think.  It was kind of confusing.  But then the wheelchair guy meets the mean lady from Holes.  She’s a scientist or something.  She’s mean to him at first because he’s in a wheelchair.  My mom says this is called “disc-information.”

So then the wheelchair guy goes into this tube and when he wakes up he’s one of the aliens.  The scientist lady and some other people are aliens too.  They all go exploring the planet together.  Wheelchair guy gets separated from the group when these big rhinoceros-looking monsters chase him into the forest.  Oh yeah, he’s not in a wheelchair anymore.  It gets dark and everyone else has to go home to bed (probably by 9:30) but he stays out in the jungle cause he’s lost.

Some dogs with six legs try to eat him but an alien girl saves him. All the animals have six legs which I guess is better than four.  The alien girl isn’t wearing a shirt and you can totally see her boobs but my mom said it was okay because she’s an alien and her boobs are blue.  She only has two boobs.  She takes him to her tribe and at first they want to kill him but they decide not to.

For a long time he hangs out with the aliens to learn how to be like them.  Here’s some of the stuff he does: climbs trees, rides horses, hunts with a bow and arrow, plugs his ponytail into stuff, and wrestles dragons!!  That was probably my favorite part.  That or the time he smashed the two helicopters together like they were made out of LEGOs.

Then he falls in love with the girl alien who rescued him and things get weird for a minute. My mom made me cover my eyes during this part but I think they were doing the same thing Brian (that’s my older brother) was doing with his girlfriend last week when my parents were out to dinner.  So things are going good for the main guy.

But then everything gets bad because the guy from Gone in 60 Seconds wants to open a coal mine right where the aliens are camping.  I know how he feels because one time I wanted to build a fort behind the couch (which is probably the best spot in my house to build a fort) but my dad said I couldn’t because we had company coming over.

The main guy thinks if the humans kick the aliens out, then the girl alien won’t make out with him anymore, so he tells the humans to leave them alone.  So then there’s a big battle.  I don’t want to give away how the battle ends, but basically it’s like the end of Return of the Jedi except the aliens are awesome like Legolas from Lord of the Rings instead of like the Ewoks who are stupid like my little sister’s zhu zhu pet.

That’s pretty much the rest of the movie except for this part at the end where all the humans get kicked off the planet.  My mom said the movie had a “viral mental” message and that’s why my dad had to sell his Hummer.  I think the message is that dragons are awesome and aliens aren’t as bad as some movies make them look.

One day I hope to visit another planet.

The idea for this article and several of it’s humorous lines were taken from an article written for another publication by Mark “Sugar, We’re Going Down” Downey.  It is used with his begrudging permission.  Mr. Downey has not tasted meat since the spring of 1993, but he has killed more squirrels than you will likely ever see.

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Paul Walker Reviews Fast & Furious Mon, 29 Aug 2016 02:52:27 +0000 not to be confused with THE Fast and THE Furious

not to be confused with THE Fast and THE Furious

Dudes, Bros, and Chicks:

Paul Walker here, rocking out with my socks out. You know what I mean. So I’m gonna review  the new Fast & Furious for TTM. I loved this movie, and I’m about to tell you why.

I mean, I guess I’m… What’s the word? Like when you want the team you’re on to score a touchdown? And you want the other team to lose? Oh yeah! Opinionated. That’s it. I guess I’m opinionated, but like, this movie has everything you need in a movie. At least in a PG13 movie, I mean. Yeah, you’re tracking with me.

Anyway, it’s got babes, and badass cars with huge balls, and guns, and explosions, and me kicking asses. Someone told me that crickets are talking crap about it, but look here guys, are you gonna listen to a stupid bug? Give me a break. I didn’t even know they could talk, except for that Disney one. And what do they know about making a good movie? They’re bugs dude. I step on them.

So anyway, Vin Diesel is back in this movie and he’s like, super jacked. It’s crazy man, for real. We were working out this one time on set, and he was like “Hey Paul, can you spot me?” and I was all like “Whoa Vin” – cause I call him that, since we’re bros – “Whoa Vin, I don’t think I could spot you if I wanted to!” Yeah man, it was crazy, cause the weights he was lifting were super heavy. He’s huge.

The movie is pretty cool. I get to drive all these fast cars, and a few times I make out with Vin’s sister, and she’s like super hot. It’s not his real sister, I mean. His sister in the movie. I forget what their names were though.

And check this out: When we did The Fast and The Furious – huge difference between the movies, I’m serious – when we did that one, I like, memorized my lines every day. This one, though, is like, super complex. The lines were really hard, so I had to use some cue cards. But I’ve been doing acting classes and I think you can really tell. There were a few times in the movie where like, I was supposed to be mad in the scene, and I actually got mad, like in real life. Like I was actually pissed! That’s how I know I was born to be an actor, ya know? Because when I feel the scene, I totally feel it bro. It’s cool if you don’t get it, not everybody does.

Then there’s this one scene where we like, totally take the movie to the next level. This one bad guy dude, I don’t really remember what he did that was bad, just that I had to race cars against him or something… Maybe he tried to steal my girlfriend, I don’t know. He did something to threaten my awesomeness, that’s the important part. Anyway, this guy gave a Priest a bunch of money – and this is bad money, not good money, like money he got from stealing or something – and the Priest, he totally takes it! Man, Fast & Furious just owned you Catholic Church! Suck it.

So anyway I’m going to go get hit on by chicks at the gym and check out myself in the mirror as I lift, but you should for real go see The Fast and The Furious, it’s a legit badass movie. I mean Furious and Fast. Crap, Fast & Furious, whatever. Later Brah.

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Pet Peeves for the Common Man: Michael Bay Movies Mon, 29 Aug 2016 02:34:53 +0000 Let me begin by stating that I have a liberal arts college education. As any liberal arts student will tell you, they force you to learn liberal things, like foreign languages and thick books written by foreigners. So I know fancy words about literature and art. I’ve watched old black and white French films and, better yet, I’ve enjoyed them. I’ve even seen contemporary dance productions. Sure, I might have said “what the hell was that supposed to mean?” afterward, but all that matters is that I was there. That being said, I enjoy some heady movies, i.e. the kind that critics actually praise. I’m not trying to laud myself or anything (although I’m not above that, because I’m awesome) but I needed to lay this foundation before I got into the actual subject of this article.

And that subject is Michael Bay movies. Not his movies, actually; his critics. I’m not sure if you’ve ever read a review of ANY of Michael Bay’s movies, but they all generally criticize him for the same things: the plot is horrible, the characters are flat, the pacing is ridiculous, the dialogue is unrealistic, racial stereotypes, blah blah blah, etcetera etcetera etcetera. We get it film critics, Michael Bay doesn’t make the “deepest” or the most “meaningful” movies.

I’ll tell you what he does though – he delivers what he promises to deliver. This man makes action movies. He does not make art films. I’ve heard some people say “the plots in Michael Bay movies are just weak stories strung together to allow for more explosions and car chases.” You’re exactly right! That’s exactly what they are. I’m not going to argue that he makes “good” movies in the traditional sense. These movies won’t change your life, grant you some deep emotional catharsis or lead you to some kind of revelation or epiphany. Here’s the thing, though: Michael Bay isn’t trying to make that kind of movie. When you criticize him for doing exactly what he wanted to do, it really just makes you look like a pretentious, ignorant dumbass.

You don’t go to a fireworks show and bitch about the lack of narrative or the shallow characters, do you? No. You go to watch explosions. You can’t go into a topless bar and expect to have a deep, meaningful conversation with a stripper. You’re not paying for that, my friend. You’re paying for some boobies. If you want deep, meaningful conversations, you’re in the wrong place. Similarly, you don’t go into a gun store looking for a vinyl recording of Beethoven. Let’s take these metaphors to the next level: When you walk into Michael Bay’s Guns, Fast Cars, Explosions, and Cleavage Store to take advantage of their well advertised special on giant robot fights, you shouldn’t complain about how you can’t find a Shakespeare anthology. They don’t sell that there. Are you following me?

You can’t go into Michael Bay’s movies thinking you’re going to be watching The Departed or American History X. This isn’t deep stuff, guys. This is an action movie. You go to watch things happen that you will never see in real life, not watch some violently depressing depiction of real life like The Wrestler. This is truly mindless entertainment, and that is exactly what it is intended to be. You can’t criticize it by saying “this is mindless.” Of course it is! It’s called Transformers for craps sake! It’s based on a cartoon about robots! What in the hell were you expecting!?

Don’t act like you’re some kind of glorious film critic just because you can point out that the movie was just a bunch of explosions, boobs, and penis jokes. Anyone could see that, it just takes an idiot to act like that was a bad thing. If you want to criticize it, criticize it for being bad at what it was trying to be. Talk about how the explosions could have been cooler, or how there weren’t enough slow motion boob bounces, or how the cars didn’t do enough power slides around corners. Don’t sit there and try to wax intellectual, talking about how Shia LeBouf’s character was “so two dimensional.” This isn’t a new phenomena! Watch any Schwarzenegger action movie. This is how they do it.

So please, if you go see a Michael Bay film or any action movie for that matter, go in with the correct expectations. I’m honestly really damn tired of hearing the same pissing and moaning about action movies. If you don’t like them, don’t go see them. Otherwise, stop trying to rain on my parade just because I know how to enjoy two and a half hours of wanton destruction.

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How to Cope with Dating Someone Hotter than You Sun, 14 Aug 2016 05:48:33 +0000 The social universe has an unspoken balance in place that ensures that life makes sense. We hang out with people as cool as we are, we date within our acceptable range, and people that are born into wealth and status run our countries. When some son of a bitch tries to upset that balance, bad things happen. Remember the French Revolution? That happened because one of Quasimodo’s descendants landed a smoking-hot art model. The Civil War? Some mustachioed sea donkey from the North decided she wanted to date a studly land owner from Alabama.  Name any natural disaster and it can be traced back to some fugly idiot not following the rules of romance. If you mess with the balance, the universe compensates with blood.

Despite this delicate equilibrium, matchmaking is never perfect. Occasionally it is so uneven that it elicits a deep sense of injustice from our communal soul, sort of like any time Keanu Reeves gets another acting gig. You know something isn’t right. You can feel it. Someone is getting something they don’t deserve.

So, you walking dumpster, how do you make things right once you have a hottie in your white-knuckled, kill-me-to-take-it grip? How do you cope with dating someone that is hotter than you? Grab your Moleskine and take a seat, my child. We have much to discuss.

One rule: Over Compensate
She’s a 10 and you’re a 3. That’s a pretty sizable gap, almost as significant as the one between your two front teeth. You’re going to need to string a rope-bridge across that dark chasm. When people see you with your deafeningly hot significant other, the comments will go something like this:

“Damn, (he/she) is so (hot/attractive/sexcellent). Why is (he/she) with that Seth Rogen look alike? Well, I guess (he/she) is at least (fill in the blank).”

That blank can be filled with a few different things that will help even the score between you and your walking fantasy.

That is one unattractive dude.

That is one unattractive dude.

1. Get in ridiculous shape.
You can’t help having a Haitian Earthquake for a face, but you can blast your pecks into beautiful oblivion. Work out constantly, get really into triathlons, get ab implants – whatever you want. You need to work your way into the “butterface” zone so people may be able to shrug off the 7 point difference between you and the Greek sculpture you’re dating.

2. Get rich and/or famous.
Ideally this would happen before you start dating a walking masterpiece, but if you somehow win the lottery before buying the ticket you still have options. Are you talented? You’d better hope you are. It doesn’t matter if you’re the world’s greatest tap dancer or if you start the next Google, you just need to be on top of something. It can even be something nerdy like math or writing internet humor, people won’t care as long as they have a good reason not to kill you for upsetting cupid’s system. Hell, you may even be able to get away with being a second or third string celebrity/musician/mogul, you’ll just have to deal with more public anger and ridicule than you would have if you were Seal.

Apparently he's a great musician.

Apparently he’s a great musician.

3. Get a horrible disease.
If all else fails, there’s always the “Make-A-Wish Foundation” route. This is the Hail-Mary of dating-up excuses, but it is also one of the hardest with which to argue. Example:
“Damn, that girl is fine. What’s she doing with that retarded hippopotamus?”
“Bro, you’re an asshole. That guy has EbolasyphillAIDS. He’s already died like three times.”

You’re clearly not otherwise qualified to bask in the magical fairy-glow of hotness that shines forth from your spouse, but somehow you’ve earned it by suffering so hard that even Job says “yikes, that sucks.”

Follow these rules and you might be able to avoid getting hit by a meteor for dating someone that even blind people can tell is better looking than you.

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FoxFaith Brings Us the First Christian Teen-Sex Comedy: “It’s About Time!” Tue, 07 Jun 2016 03:46:22 +0000 From the people who brought you A Night with the King, and Facing the Giants comes a comedy so groundbreaking, so unlike any Christian movie before it, you’ll actually want to see it!  What Judd Apatow did for the teen sex comedy, It’s About Time!, does for the Christian sex comedy.  It’s wholesome, it’s hilarious, it’s Superbadfor Southern Baptists!

Ruth (Jenna Jameson) and Boaz (Michael Cera) have promised themselves and their Facebook groups to lose their virginity and have torrid sex on their wedding night. They’ve made it through the courtship, through the engagement, and through the Joshua Harris conference, but now they’ll have to make it through the wedding…and what a wedding it will be!  From a unity candle that won’t stay lit to an uncomfortable reading from Song of Solomon, events seem to be conspiring to keep Ruth and Bo from the blessed consummation they have heard so much about on the cover of Cosmopolitan.

When, at long last, the ceremony concludes and the reception begins, the mishaps and mayhem only get worse.  With no alcohol and no dance floor Ruth and Bo thought they were playing it safe and paving the way for a long night of necking and heavy petting.  They didn’t plan on Bo’s best man, Jeremy, having a few too many sparkling grape juices before his toast.  His graphic retelling of Bo’s church camp van encounters throws the assembled guests into fits of indignation.  Relationship Defining Talks and readings of Proverbs 31 ensue.  And that’s only the beginning!

What carnal advice is Ruth’s unsaved grandfather (Michael W. Smith) whispering in her ear?  What PG-13 plans do their friends have for their getaway car decorations? (You can bet there won’t be any prophylactics!)  Will the two ever make it to the Holiday Inn? Will they in fact “do it again and again” like that lady from the abstinence conference said they would?  You’ll have to watch to find out!

Whether you’ve had sex before or just think about it all the time, It’s About Time! has something for everyone.  Watch it with your youth pastor!  Watch it with your parents!  Watch it with your fornicating, non-Christian friends!

Watch it again and again and again.

This article was brought to us by the honorable and venerable James King, a master of thumb wrestling, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and RISK: Lord of the Rings Edition. We’ve made him laugh many times, and now we thank him for returning the favor.

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