March is past, and with it went the somber recognition of D-Day, or “Divorce Day,” the day when Amy Grant officially filed for divorce from her husband Gary Chapman. On March 4th Christians all over the nation wore black to signify the symbolic death of Amy Grant’s Christian faith, in addition to wearing wedding rings on all ten fingers in support of the covenant of marriage.
“That was the worst day of my life,” says Walter Lincoln, a long time fan and a saintly Christian. “It was almost as if Amy [Grant] had died for real. I wept for a while, and then I just crushed my [Amy Grant] CDs with my Bible. It just weighed so heavily on my heart.” It was a dark day, indeed. Our sources tell us that on that day alone in 1999, 14 billion Amy Grant CDs and tapes were destroyed, most of them by ritualistic fire.* According to the RIAA, the demographic that most commonly purchased Amy Grant records changed after March 4th, 1999 from almost entirely Christian to mostly Satan worshippers.**
We surveyed a group of 1 million Christians on their opinions of Grant’s divorce and the results were significant, but not surprising. 78% said that Grant was “Likely never saved,” 91% said “Vince Gill is the devil incarnate,” and 135% said “’Baby, Baby’ is such a good song.” ***
Fred Phelps, the pastor of Westboro Baptist Church – commonly known for its God Hates Fags, God Hates America, and I’m Completely Insane organizations – had some wise insight regarding D-Day. “It shouldn’t be a day of mourning. It should be a day of celebration. That day, a sinner left the Church. That’s a good thing, y’all! Sinners don’t belong in our Churches, they belong in hell!”
Grant would not return our calls for an interview, likely busy with her new life of sin, but we used our patented Interview Simulator™ to suggest responses that Grant would probably have provided.
Us: Why did you divorce your husband?
Simulated Amy Grant: Because I hate God. I am pro-choice.
Us: Isn’t divorce a sin?
Simulated Amy Grant: I love to sin. It is my favorite.
Us: Will you ever return to Christianity?
Simulated Amy Grant: Rachel Maddow is fun. I love Satan.
*Source not confirmed, but the odds are it’s true.
**Not actual data from RIAA. They know a lot about Satan though, right?
***We didn’t actually survey anyone.