“I like that title, by the way. George Bush, you know, is the decider. I can be the decider in Orlando.”
-Stan Van Gundy
“I thought it was funny they can’t wear any of the jewelry and stuff like that. That’s stricter than the dress code in a lot of office buildings.”
-Stan Van Gundy (on the NBA’s player dress code)
“I know for a fact that he’s a master of panic, and when it gets time for his team to go in the postseason and do certain things, he will let them down because of his panic.”
-Shaquille O’Neal (on former coach Stan Van Gundy)
Starting Lineup – Tipoff
Van Gundy: This is our bounce-back game, boys! We have to match their intensity on both sides of the ball. Stick to the gameplan, rotate helpside on ball screens, and watch for screen-rolls to the basket. And, hey, don’t forget to have fun out there.
TV Timeout, 6:07 remaining, 1st quarter, Boston 18, Orlando 7
Rashard Lewis: We’re getting beat on weakside every time they swing it.
Dwight Howard: Yeah, we can’t rotate fast enough.
Van Gundy: Sounds like somebody’s forgetting to have some fun out there!
Free throws, 10:50 remaining, 2nd quarter, Boston 36, Orlando 20
Assistant Coach: Dwight’s in serious foul trouble, Stan. He’s coming late on every ball screen.
Van Gundy: Did you think I sounded good on that interview with Aldrich?
Assistant Coach: The analyst?
Van Gundy: Yeah, y’know, it’s like a pop quiz between every quarter, like high school.
Assistant Coach: Coach, we need to revise this gameplan; it’s neutralizing our best defensive schemes.
Van Gundy: I lost my virginity when I was a sophomore.
Timeout on the floor, :30 remaining, 2nd quarter, Boston 46, Orlando 37
Van Gundy: [heavy breathing]
Halftime, Boston 46, Orlando 40
Van Gundy: When you come off those high screens, show strong on the perimeter, change their angles to the basket, really disrupt that rhythm. No gimme-paths to the basket … keep them on their toes … no pain, no …
[VENDOR enters locker room, VAN GUNDY loses thought]
Vendor: I’m sorry, but the ushers insisted it was you.
VAN GUNDY: Nachooooos!
20-second Timeout, 9:26 Remaining in 3rd quarter, Boston 59, Orlando 54
VAN GUNDY: Okay, J.J. If you had no frame of reference, how would you spell jalapeño?
J.J. REDDICK: I can’t answer that; I have a frame of reference.
VAN GUNDY: Geez, I’m just trying to have some fun, Dookie boy. Lighten the f*** up.
Dead ball, 6:35 remaining in 3rd quarter, Boston 64, Orlando 54
ASST. COACH: Stan, I can’t leave the bench.
VAN GUNDY: Ugh. Why do you have to make it so difficult for me?
ASST. COACH: I could probably get one of the trainers to …
VAN GUNDY: Well, get them to, okay! Have you ever had nachos without a Diet Coke?
TRAINER: F*** my sports management degree.
TV Timeout, 1:05 remaining in 3rd quarter, Boston 68, Orlando 62
RAFER ALSTON: If we’re switching at the free throw and Dwight’s coming helpside, do we-
VAN GUNDY: [slurping]
RAFER ALSTON: On the weakside, should we-
VAN GUNDY: [slurping]
RAFER ALSTON: Do I-
VAN GUNDY: You know what would make this even better? [Pause, intimating that this is not a rhetorical question] Using a Cherry Twizzler as a straw!
Start of 4th quarter, Boston 70, Orlando 67
VAN GUNDY: [wheezing]
DAVID ALDRIDGE (analyst): You’ve come strong on the perimeter, exposing yourselves to the high-screenroll. Do you have an answer to the speed and depth of options on the other side of the ball?
VAN GUNDY: They’re a great ball club, huh?
DAVID ALDRIDGE: [Silence]
VAN GUNDY: I mean, really, they can really play basketball out there. It’s a lot of fun to watch.
DAVID ALDRIDGE: Are … How are you going to adjust this quarter?
VAN GUNDY: I’m serious; I have some great seats. This is quite a show.
Transition Defense, 7:20 Remaining in 4th Quarter, Boston 82, Orlando 71
VAN GUNDY: [Shouting] GET BACK! WHO’S GOT PIERCE? GET BACK! [flexes left hand and rotates shoulder]
TV Timeout, 5:00 Remaining, Boston 86, Orlando 79
VAN GUNDY: Can you guys handle this one?
ASST COACH: You okay?
VAN GUNDY: I’m al… I’m just tired. I just … I’ll just sit down. It’s really hot in here.
ASST COACH: Get him some water.
VAN GUNDY: Some. [whispering to himself, slumping in folding chair] Git some!
The Following Morning
CARDIOLOGIST: Hi, Stan. You’re at the Cambridge Medical Center; you’ve had a very serious cardiac event.
VAN GUNDY: Fart noises.
CARDIOLOGIST: You’re a grown man.
Graciously submitted by our friend and spiritual advisor Joel Bobbett. Mr Bobbett blogs at joeley.wordpress.com. He enjoys bio-fuels, supply side economic theory, and the musical stylings of Gavin DeGraw.