Pothead Wins Eight Gold Medals: A Word on Michael Phelps
Another stoner wastes his life. Have you guys heard about this Michael Phelps character? Get this. He’s a 23-year old stoner who likes playing beer pong and hitting water bongs at house parties. Not only that, but these are state school house parties. What a...
The More, The Married: A Word on Polygamy
Well, another year has passed and the time has come once again for us to commemorate the brutality of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre by stuffing our faces with chocolate, going on high-pressure dates, and skipping work to watch The Notebook eight times in a row. ...
Feeding the Hate: A Word on Effective Internet Marketing
Life at The Talking Mirror has been good the last couple weeks. More people are visiting the site, fewer viruses are infiltrating our computers, and several studios have already expressed interest in TTM: The 3D Movie Experience. This is both exciting and unsettling...
Satan: Making Sense of The Madness
A fine Wednesday to you all! I must beg your pardon for my surly demeanor this morning. Mr. Patrick’s holiday started early and ended late yesterday (we don’t believe in saints down here, but we sure do believe in Dr. Jameson, Rev. Guinness, and Sarg. Baileys). ...
Recent Grad Runs Out of College Stories
CHARLESTON (AP) – Local 3rd grade teacher and 2007 college graduate Chad Thompson was quite literally speechless last weekend when he came to the shocking realization that he had exhausted his store of collegiate anecdotes. Witnesses report that Thompson had just...
Nasty, Brutish, and Short: A Word on Internet Commenters
Can I talk to you for five minutes about why the internet is a bad idea? Three words: comment enabled websites. For millennia, the plebian masses desiring to consume media of any kind – be it newspapers, radio programs, Papyrus scrolls, or minstrel bands – were...
Understanding the Jonas Brothers Within the Musical Metanarrative
Joe, Kevin, and Nick Jonas. The names alone are enough to inspire envy, lust, wrath, and most of the remaining deadly sins. In newspaper columns, entertainment blogs, and multi-colored notes passed during seventh period, this trio of troubadours has been called...
Thank You, But I Would Rather Not “Make Love in this Club”: A Word on Nightclubs
Can I talk to you for five minutes about why I hate clubs? Since arriving on the 21-and-up scene nearly three years ago, I have spent countless nights in countless nightclubs in the greater Chicago area. I’ve tried to like nightclubs. I’ve wanted to like...
The Beginning of the End: Life After College, Part 2
This is Part 2 of an infinite part series. 1) If (and by “if” I mean “when”) you find yourself in a job you do not love, it is important to ensure your work performance never rises above mediocre. Doing above average work typically leads to more work being sent...
Is That An 8-gig iPod In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?: Adventures in Retail
On several occasions since the inception of this page (here, here, and here), I have documented the tragedies and traumas I have endured this year while toiling in the post-industrial wasteland that is the retail shopping world. As my previous dispatches have...
Deus Ex Machina: A Word on iPhones
If you’re living in Southern California and you don’t surf, wear Rainbows, or have breasts, your only shot at being cool (and, really, what’s the point of living in Southern California if you’re not going to be cool) is to own a ton of Apple products. Macbooks,...
Biased Reviews: Jennifer Aniston on the Jolie-Pitt Twins
This is the second installment in a new TTM series called “Biased Reviews.” It is part of our broader initiative to oppose impartiality, fairness, and intelligent discourse of all kinds. You can read the first one here. The Jolie-Pitt Twins: Cute Cast, Unimpressive...