What up bros and brominas? This post is gonna be a bit on the stubby side because it’s tourney time and my bracket is kickin some serious ace! (Booyah kasha! Respect!)
I just wanted to say a few words about something that’s been on a lot of people’s minds recently. No, not the economy, tans, or Obama’s retard joke. I’m talking about Lent. Some of you may not believe that The Chadster observes this ancient religious season. And you would be correct. Typically, I observe only two seasons: football season and off-season. But this year I had a change of heart. Actually, one of my bro-mates bet me fifty bucks I couldn’t go a whole month without saying the F word. I told him, “Brodank, make it $75.00 and The Chadmeister will be “F” free until Easter.” Later, I found out this is called “giving something up for Lent.”
I did a bit of research on the intertron about this whole Lent thing. I remember going to church with my mom when I was little and the pastor would come by and smear Oreo crumbs or protein powder or something on our foreheads, and then we would all be sad for awhile, but I figured that was just a Des Moines thang. Turns out it’s called Ash Wednesday (not Hash Wednesday like I thought) and it signals the beginning of Eastertime. Also, lots of people give up lots of different stuff for Lent. Dudes give up beer. Chicks give up eating. Homeless people give up working (Haha! Just kidding, but not really). Catholic people even do what I did and quit saying a word for Lent (their word is “hallelujah” which I think is some kind of Christian swear).
Now I’m no expert on religion or Easter or anything, but I think my experience giving up the Ole F-bomb for forty days has given me some words of advice to help anyone out there who is dealing with life without something they love…NO FREAKING WAY!!!!! Sorry, monster dunk in the Oklahoma / Michigan game. Anyway, like I was saying, here’s some stuff for you people to ponder while you’re starving yourselves:
1) Give up something manageable: Dudes that give up alcohol, or ESPN, or making out with their girlfriends are setting themselves up for failure. That’s like if I would have tried to give up all swear words. Give up talking for a month? Impossible. I’m not Superman, you know? Pick something small that will impress your friends and help you feel better about yourself without making your life suck for the whole Spring.
2) Have someone there to keep you on track: You’ve gotta have a bro there to keep you focused when you feel like quitting. Like me. I told my boys every time I say the F word, I’ll stand against the wall for 30 seconds and let them huck frisbees and racket balls at me. Couple shots to the head and I never want to say the F word ever again. (By “never” I mean till April 13th.)
3) Remember why you’re giving it up: I’m going to buy some DMB tickets with my $75.00. I’m not sure how much you’re getting paid to give up whatever you gave up, but think about all the sweet stuff you’re gonna buy. It helps.
4) Find a good substitute to fill the hole: I’ve been saying things like friggin, mother trucker, and just the letter “F” to help me communicate during my time of sacrifice. If you’re trying to go cold turkey, you’re gonna go down quicker than a Keystone keg in Panama Beach. Gave up Facebook? Get yourself a mySpace account. Gave up chocolate? Gorge on Nutella. Whatever. There’s a Nicotine Patch out there for every addiction and you gotta hit that thing morning, noon, and night if you want to survive.
5) Keep your eyes on the prize: All good things come to an end. Fortunately, so do all horrible things. Remember that one day soon, you’ll have all the Dr. Pepper, Starbucks, reality television, or – in my case – bad-A swear words, that you could ever want. Start thinking today about how you’re going to binge on April 13th to celebrate the end of your self-inflicted torture. Some days that’s the only thing that keeps me going. I’ll tell you one thing, this whole gawd-awful ordeal has definitely made me appreciate Easter more. I used to think it was all bunnies, boiled eggs, and jelly beans. Now I realize it’s about saying “no” to the things you love for a little while, so that they’ll be that much sweeter when you can say “hell yes!” to them again.
I know that first F-bomb on April 13th is gonna be sweet. Like seeing a bro for the first time after he’s been on vacation or in the hospital or something. I’m gonna scream it at the top of my lungs. Think of your own special Easter moment like that and you’ll be fine.
Until then, keep fighting the good fight. And go Tar Heels.