Life at The Talking Mirror has been good the last couple weeks. More people are visiting the site, fewer viruses are infiltrating our computers, and several studios have already expressed interest in TTM: The 3D Movie Experience. This is both exciting and unsettling since we know that none of this should be happening. The writing is still barely-legible. Our temperaments are still offensive to women, children, and blind people. And our first Facebook ad, having appeared on 25,515 profiles across America, has sent only 15 new readers to the site. Not quite the tsunami we were hoping for
Conor and I have speculated about the dozens, indeed hundreds, of possible causes for this spike in traffic (i.e. Facebook statuses being whored out, non-reader friends finally being overcome by guilt, widespread unemployment, tagging posts with things like “Kate Beckinsale Nude!!!!!”, etc). Wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong.
Nay, dear readers, the answer to this riddle is rooted in two articles which appeared on this site in January. One was about Carson Daly, the other was about Jason Mraz, both were about the degree to which these gentlemen suck. If you have not read these articles, allow me to summarize: they suck alot. Well, as fate and the internet gods would have it, the message of these articles apparently resonated with the teeming masses of hateful Americans who prowl the World Wide Web and has sent them flocking in droves to The Talking Mirror.
How do I know this? Each day, our stat sheet logs all the search engine terms that bring people to thetalkingmirror.com. This allows us to see which tags are most effective and provides a window into the souls of our readers. Some of the most popular searches include: kamma sutra, fetus humor, or some variation of “is my girlfriend crazy” (actual searches: am i a crazy girlfriend, how to break up with a crazy girlfriend, crazy girlfriend came after school, girlfriend went for a drive with ex, boyfriend talks on phone to ex, and the list goes on). However, hands down the most common searches bringing people to The Talking Mirror are things relating to the life-draining awfulness of Carson Daly and Jason Mraz.
On any given day, up to a dozen people type in things like “Carson Daly is a toolshed”, “jason mraz huge douche,” “carson daly sucks”, and “carson daly sucks bad.” The next most populer searches are various misspellings of Daly and Mraz followed by “douche.”
This trend is telling of two things: (1) These two gentlemen suck something awful, and (2) Americans have a surplus of pent up hostility when they are getting online. Don’t get me wrong, I would like to drop-kick Mssrs. Daly and Mraz as much as the next decent American; I just think it takes a special kind of animosity to hate someone so much you take to the internet to discover new reasons to hate them. And yet dozens, if not hundreds of web-surfers are pausing their daily searches for porn and pipe bomb ingredients to see who else out there shares their sentiments that Jason Mraz is a stain on humanity.
Come on America! Surely we have better things to be doing – like, for example, declaring bankruptcy, lavishing praise on Slumdog Millionaire, or searching for pipe bomb ingredients. Do we really need to spend entire afternoons fueling the fires of Daly/Mraz disdain? Surely we are more charitable nation than that.
That is all. Nothing groundbreaking or earth-shattering. It amused me, and I thought it might do the same for you.
p.s. Since I wrote that first paragraph ten days ago, we have amped up our marketing arm. As of this afternoon, Talking Mirror facebook ads have appeared on over 1 million Facebook profiles. When you consider that this picture is featured on the ad:
you can better understand my excitement about this number. Eat it Facebook! You can’t escape me!
Also, if you see the ad, please don’t click on it. It costs me $0.60 every time you do.