The Lord God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, announced yesterday that final edits have been completed on his much anticipated second work of non-fiction. The Richard Dawkins Delusion – God’s first foray into the world of literature in nearly 2,000 years – is a spirited and often hilarious rebuttal of Richard Dawkins’ 2006 bestseller The God Delusion.
“The big guy was surprised and more than a little amused back in ’06 when he was informed of his non-existence by a portly, ill-tempered Englishmen,” said God’s literary agent and confidant, John Milton, in an exclusive interview with TTM. “I mean honestly, when was the last time an English person not named Kiera Knightley said anything worth listening to?”
He continues, “A lot of people were pretty upset when Rich’s book came out. Theologians would say things like ‘Oh yeah?’ and ‘@!%$ off!’ and one of them said something like ‘you could fill a book with all the stuff that Dick Dawkins doesn’t know.’ So that’s what God did.”
In that respect, The Richard Dawkins Delusion is not so much a point-by-point refutation of Dawkins’ existence, but rather a compendium of the myriad things Dawkins is deluded about. Using Dawkins’ own definition of delusion – “a persistent false belief held in the face of strong contradictory evidence” – the book proceeds to dismantle many of Dawkins’ deeply held convictions about his personal life and the world at large.
A few of the many delusions laid bare in the book include:
- Most people enjoy Richard Dawkins’ company. FALSE
- His constant consumption of Orbit gum has done a pretty decent job of veiling his “dragon breath.” FALSE
- His wife, Lalla Ward, is even remotely interested in anything he is talking about. FALSE
- His mother is proud of him. FALSE
- That lump he felt on his left testicle is probably nothing. FALSE
- Students in his Ph.D level molecular physics course would never snicker at his frequent references to “black holes.” FALSE
- Christs’ glorious reappearance in 2016 will not render Richard’s life’s work obsolete and laughably misguided. FALSE
While some have criticized the book as mean-spirited, and life-destroying, Milton contends that the true cruelty would be to allow Dawkins to continue living his life without the knowledge that he is a total prick.
“Without reading The Richard Dawkins Delusion, I’m sure Richard Dawkins has no idea he is regarded by his closest friends as an insufferable bore and uncharitable drunk, though they have demonstrated these feelings in every conceivable way,” said Milton. “This book was written to shine the light of truth into the darkness of social-ineptitude that Rich has built around himself.”
As a 250-page letter written directly to Dawkins, the book represents a slight departure from God’s previous work. Additionally, its small target audience means it is will likely not be the runaway international bestseller that The Bible was. Neither of these facts, however, seem to bother God.
“When your first book sells over 8 billion copies and becomes the foundation for 2,000 years of Western Civilization, there’s a lot of pressure for your sophomore effort to be even better,” said Milton. “We realize that is unlikely, and we’re ok with it. The God Delusion has sold roughly 1.5 million copies so far. As long as we top that, I think we’ll feel good about putting this one in the win column.”
It does not appear that will be a problem. With Amazon pre-orders already up to 450,000, The Richard Dawkins Delusion is well on its way to the top of the bestseller list.
As we go to press, Professor Dawkins has yet to respond to The Talking Mirror’s numerous emails, phone messages, Facebook friend requests. It can be assumed he is in hiding somewhere, probably crapping his pants.
In related news: reports of God beginning production on a documentary called “Bill Mahericulous” have not been substantiated. If true, the documentary would be God’s third foray into film, on the heels of two wildly successful Narnia movies.
Due credit must go to the esteemed English author G.K Chesterton for inspiring the idea behind this article (i.e. God’s thoughts on atheists are probably a lot more interesting than atheist’s thoughts on God). If you would like to learn more, and if you like really big words, I can recommend Chesterton’s excellent book “The Everlasting Man.”