How to Cope with Being an April Fool: A Guide

Reading this article has transmitted the Ebola virus into your bloodstream. You are going to die.

April Fool’s! Got you! Hilarious, right? A lot of your friends are going to think so too, and so I’ve created a guide in order to prepare you for what will no doubt be the funniest pranks ever thought up by mankind. You’re going to need to know how to react to these pranks so that your “friends” don’t get the glory or the satisfaction out of your humiliation/anger/deep, deep sadness. I am going to teach you how to “roll with the punches” so that you can save face, and in turn splash the cold ice water of “not funny” all over the faces of your friends.

Let’s start out with a basic rule: don’t believe anything anyone tells you on April Fool’s day, even if there is some kind of evidence proving they’re “not lying.” Some people will do anything just to be able to point and laugh at you and scream “oh, oh, I got you, oh, you’re so gotten, you’re an idiot, oh man, suck it,” until they pass out or until you violently murder them. If you see a building on fire and someone is reaching out of the window screaming for help, don’t fall for it. Those pranksters will go to the edges of the Earth just to see you blush in embarrassment after pulling an entire family out of a burning building only for everyone to turn on you and say “April Fool’s!” It’s not time to be had, it’s time to have.

Prank 1: Your girlfriend decides to prank you by cheating on you with your best friend.

Reaction: “Har dee har har, good one. Been there, done that and got the t-shirt, baby. I’m all about free love between friends so you can’t faze me with all your “screaming infidelities.” And also because I know first hand that your sister is a good kisser and your cousin wears pink underwear.”

Strategy: What you’re implementing here is what I call “the nonchalant smirk” approach. She drops this bomb on you, thinking she’s going to “April Fool’s” you into a teary break up and maybe a fist fight. This one is a no-go, little lady. You ice out her joke and flip it around on her, leaving her completely bamboozled. And hey, maybe you did smooch on her sister that one New Years down at the lake house; she’ll be so confused by the implosion of her joke that she won’t even remember to slap you.

Prank 2: Your friend decides to cut out the bottom of your computer bag, so that when you stand up to leave class your brand new MacBook Pro falls out and crashes onto the floor, exploding into hundreds of stylish pieces.

Reaction: Begin screaming automatically, but about your computer bag. Squeeze it and hold it tight, and talk about how it’s your favorite bag ever in the whole world. Refer to it with a female name, like “Suzy.” The key to this situation is to ignore the thousands of dollars that now lie shattered around your feet. If you can muster tears, absolutely do it. Refuse any consolation.

Strategy: This one here is called “the juke move.” Everyone in the room thinks you’re about to have a heart attack about your expensive piece of electronics that just met an untimely end, and then – whoa, what was that? Shazaam! You went the other direction and wept over the ruined bag. Satisfaction level for them: Zero. You might want to wait around until everyone has left so you can photograph the computer for insurance purposes, though.

Other things not to be fooled by: deaths, pregnancies, birthdays, “tattoos,” marriages, divorces, sobbing phone calls relating any kind of bad news (STD’s particularly), giddy phone calls relating any kind of good news (“you’re not a hermaphrodite!”), or conversions to Mormonism. Let’s make April Fool’s Day into… April Cool’s Day. Yeah, yeah… I like that.

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