Man, look at her over there, being all hott and stuff. Mmmm hmmm, hott with two t’s. Don’t you wish you could talk to her? Maybe for extended periods of time, perhaps via a telephonic device? That sounds like a fun idea. But how do you get to that point? It’s a treacherous trail to blaze, son. If you’re a total sissy, I mean. Then it’s treacherous. If you’re a sweet master of romance like myself, it’s just another phone number for my little black book. And by “little” I mean “the size of most dictionaries.”
You’re going to want to print this guide out, fold it up, and put it in your wallet. Discreetly pull it out and unfold it when you’re at a bar, a coffee shop, or Victoria’s Secret, having with you a step by step guide to getting that babe’s digits. Another idea – this is progressive, but it’ll show you’ve got heart – tattoo a summarized list on your forearm. That way, when you get this chick’s numero (that’s number in Spanish) and you fall in love Eharmony-style, you can show her that tatt and say “baby, that’s how bad I wanted to know your mind.” She’ll be gushing, friend. Gushing. It’s time. Walk with me.
Step One: Preparation
Before you move in for the kill, you have to make sure you’re fully prepared for the game of mind-chess you’re about to play. This is going to be a lot like a high school wrestling match. Lots of grappling and trying to push each other out of the circle of trust (I think that’s what it is, right?) except it’s you and a babe, so it’s not all ancient greeky homoerotic. Without the proper preparation you might as well continue living vicariously through your Sims character.
1. Sweat Like You’re the Biggest Loser
There’s nothing the ladies love more than l’odeur d’un homme, which I believe roughly translates into “the pungent smell of the sweat from your butt crack.” Do a bunch of jumping jacks, jog in place – whatever you have to do to saturate yourself in that wonderful salty substance that makes the ladies weep with joy. It has something to do with pheromones or estrogen, I don’t really get it, but there’s probably an article in Cosmo about it and how women can use it to be more effective in the bedroom.
2. Unbutton Your Shirt
This needs to be at least halfway. If you’re not wearing a button up shirt, I don’t even know what to do with you.
3. Eat Something Sloppy
Remember how back in the day, dudes were into fat chicks because it showed that they were wealthy? Weird how that’s kind of opposite now. Anyway, you need to eat some buffalo wings or some ribs before you get to sweeping this honey off her feet. Preferably with no hands. This is nonverbal communication that says “check it out, I can afford to take you on as many dates as you want as long as they’re to B-Dubs.”
Step Two: The Approach
Walk up to her. That’s… That’s it. If she looks like a nice, nurturing softy, you could trip and fall to build up some sympathy points. Use discretion, as this could backfire pretty easily. Happens to Kent all the time.
Step Three: Go Time
You’re sweaty, your shirt is open, and you’ve got mild chipotle sauce on your face. Some people – wrong people – might refer to you as “a walking Hurricane Katrina” or “Michael Moore every single day.” You know what they don’t understand? I’ll tell you. Have you seen Terminator 2? You know the T1000, this dude that’s made out of liquid metal? Yeah, that’s like you, but instead of metal you’re made of raw liquid masculinity.
Get down to business. It’s up to you to carry on the conversation with her. This is the “mind chess” I mentioned earlier. You’re going to want to take her knight with your bishop, or her queen with your rook, or… whatever metaphor works. I am available for real-time walk throughs like that epic weirdo Mystery, but the cost would likely drive the world into a much deeper recession. My time is a commodity. Seriously, people trade it. Know how the markets have rallied lately? You’re welcome.
Optional Opening Lines:
Here are a few opening lines you can use if you really can’t think of one yourself. Feel free to belch these to her or convert them to Old English (aka “the white man’s Ebonics”), it’s all gravy.
“You look like you’d make a great addition to my Dungeons and Dragons raiding party.”
“Lucky for you, I love women with mustaches.”
“Smell that? That’s the smell of a very healthy digestive system.”
“Looks like we could make the fat children I’ve always wanted.”
“This one girl I got pregnant looked a lot like you.”
“You look like your biological clock has almost run out.”
Did you just feel that spark in your mind? That’s called an epiphany, my friend. I just gave it to you. Bust out any one of these, and you’ll have digits in no time. Keep on living, gentlemen. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and thanks to me that sea looks a lot more like a barrel.