The world is a dark, mean, ugly place. If you ever have any doubts of that, just watch The Hills. It’s a show about beautiful rich people that MTV decided to make famous. Truly, there is no such thing as real justice. And that’s especially true with you, neoliberal kid. Your heart is bleeding and you plan on drowning all the world’s bad dreams in your justicey lifeforce. I shouldn’t say drowning – that’s violent. You’re just going to talk about it until all the world’s problems get irritated and leave. That’s more fitting. While the rest of us simply accept/ignore the darker things in life, you wear them around your neck like a big, heavy, depressing necklace. But perhaps sometimes you’re not sure about how you direct the blood that is inevitably gushing out of your heart. Don’t cry. I’m here to help.
Step One: Wear the Correct Name Tag
Are you a neoliberal or a social democrat? Or are you just a democrat? Or are you a socialist? I’d avoid calling yourself just a “democrat”; that just makes you sound like an old timer. You’re more conscious than that. Your democracy needs an adjective. And you probably shouldn’t say “socialist” either. Sarah Palin would likely show up at your house and call all your friends terrorists. It really doesn’t matter which one of the other two you choose, though. They both sound cutting edge.
Neoliberal – “neo” means new or at least it sounds like it does, and that’s better than old (more of the McSame) and “liberal” sounds trendy (LiLo is probably a liberal, don’t you want to be like her? I know for a fact Kent does).
Social Democrat – “Social” is better than anti-social (means you care about people and you’re probably killer at beer pong) and “democrat” is TOTALLY in right now (did you Barack the vote? Of course you did).
Step Two: Never, Ever See the Bright Side
This applies when talking about any social or political issue, but you can always take it to the next level and warm every subject under your quilt of negativity. Here are some examples:
Ignorant Asshole: Hey, did you know that the United States is the most charitable nation in the world?
Righteous Informer: Yeah, well we also invaded Iraq because the Bush administration loves war and oil. Murderer!
Ignorant Asshole: Hey, I heard about this organization that’s doing some good work fighting AIDS in Sudan.
Righteous Informer: Yeah, well what are they doing about AIDS in Rwanda? Just leaving those Rwandans in the crapper huh? Not African enough for you? Racist!
Ignorant Asshole: Hey, I got a puppy today!
Righteous Informer: Yeah, well it was probably born in an inhumane puppy mill that you just kept in business with your purchase. Puppy killer!
Do whatever you can to turn a situation from positive to negative. No matter what it is, your job is to remind us all that the world sucks, it hurts your soul, and somehow you talking about it constantly is going to change things.
Step Three: Unpatriotic Patriotism:
This one sounds somewhat complicated, but it’s actually rather simple. You just have to constantly contradict yourself. Whenever you talk about your home nation (which will inevitably be the ‘ol bastard U.S. of A.) you have to love it, but hate it. And certainly not in that particular order. These are some key phrases and bywords that you simply won’t be able to live without:
Empire: You cannot refer to the United States by its name or as a “nation.” It is an empire. Any international decision made has no motivation other than expanding the empire. Why did we invade Iraq? Certainly not to depose a violent, murderous dictator. No, no. It was to acquire more oil for our empire. That is a very simple way to make the country sound ominous and evil without saying that outright.
“They”: This may seem like a rather innocuous plural pronoun, but it absolutely is not. You see, friend, it is they who tell us what we should think. It is they who tell us the difference between right and wrong. It is they who pacify us through various forms of media like FoxNews and CNN. They want us to believe that we know the truth. But we don’t, and they make sure of that. Tracking with me? They hope not.
Poor/Oppressed/Marginalized: These words represent your cause. Maybe you spent a couple weekends volunteering in an inner city homeless shelter. Maybe you spent some time abroad. Maybe you were really moved by one of those commercials with the old bearded guy that hangs out with really sad looking children and begs for money. Whatever – all that matters now is that these people are your cause. Always bring them up and always be on the defensive. Any jokes someone might make about almost anything (except white people) are insensitive and inappropriate and it is your job to let them know that. When someone asks what you know about being poor, oppressed, or marginalized, quickly change the subject to global warming.
And Finally, Some Quick Tips:
These are a few quick absolutes for having a heart that bleeds love and unity for all mankind.
1.) Drive a hybrid. If you don’t drive a hybrid, you’re an earth hating fake and everyone will know it. It will inevitably be more than $25,000, but that’s okay because your parents paid for it and that’s like, less than 1% of their yearly income anyway. And it helps the environment.
2.) DO NOT VOTE. I don’t care what the election is or who is running, you must not vote. When someone asks who you voted for, this should be your response: “Who did I vote for? Pffft, no one, obviously. You think your vote means anything? Hah… Peasant.” (Note: Barack Obama is the exception to this rule. He’s going to change everything through hope. Believe it.)
3.) Everything you do must represent an issue for which you stand. You drink organic coffee from a local coffee shop, you wear “recycled” clothes that you either made yourself or bought from Goodwill, and you listen to “native” music that no one has heard of, most likely because it totally sucks.
4.) You should probably smoke weed, but I’m not sure why. It’s just part of the package.
That’s it, kiddies. Follow this guide and you’ll be on your way to wearing a pair of Toms and having stinky dreadlocks in no time. Come back next week for yet another guide to something else.