I was going to write a guide for coping with being hot, but I just couldn’t make it funny. So I went ahead with Plan B, which is always fart jokes. We here at The Talking Mirror try to shy away from potty humor. It’s too easy and immature, and everyone knows the only humor we write is highly intellectual and of the utmost maturity. We look at jokes like that and we say, “that’s just too small.” (That’s what she said! But, I mean, to you… Not to me. Booyah! – Kent) However, the other day someone requested that I write a guide to coping with public flatulence and I felt the deep, sincere need not to leave this person out in the darkness to wallow in the stinky humiliation of their public gasiness. Everyone has been there in some way, shape, or form. You’re in public or just around a group of people and… Uh oh, you just ripped loud, boisterous ass. If it hasn’t happened to you, it very well may happen to you in the future. I’m here to walk you through that process, not as a veteran – I’m not some kind of Loser McFartypants! – but as a wise sage that understands the weight of this hypothetical challenge.
Here’s the situation. You’re sitting in a restaurant, surrounded by friends, strangers, and multiple potential mates. You’re looking good, feeling good, acting good – you are good. Rocking and rolling, the cards are falling your way. But then, suddenly and without warning, you release an audible digestive fiesta. Everyone stops. What do you do?
1. Immediately and without hesitation blame it on someone else. Is there a friend around? Maybe not that good of a friend? Maybe they stole a girl/guy from you sometime in the past? Throw them under the bus. You’ve got to be theatrical and do everything you can to make sure that the focus isn’t on you. If everyone looks at you, immediately look at your scapegoat. Point. Stand up and move away, as if to avoid their emissions. Pretend to be gagging back vomit. Pull out all the stops. Remember, this is social war. Hopefully they follow your lead and shoot their self-esteem destroying laughter at that person and not at you.
2. If you’re a real jokester you could go the “they’re not laughing at me they’re laughing with me” route. This is probably the riskiest method. If you admit that you just farted so loud and powerful that it was actually kind of painful by laughing or cracking a joke at your own expense, the mob may still turn on you. They may not buy your “no big deal, I don’t even care” attitude. This is especially true if you’re not completely the class clown. Maybe you crack a joke every now and then, but mostly you’re ultra coolio? You’re screwed. These are lions you’re surrounded by. They smell your fear… And they smell your gas. They will have vengeance.
3. Another risky choice is complete and dedicated ignorance, coupled with a light seasoning of doubt. You just dropped a butt grenade, but you act like there’s never been a more tranquil, gasless time in your life. Perhaps say something like “What? Did I fart? Hah, of course not. That’s impossible. I haven’t passed gas in years. Probably since diapers. Seriously, I didn’t. Can you prove that I did? No? Well maybe you should shut up then. Maybe it was you. Maybe you sharted. Need to go to the restroom to change your drawers Mr. Poopy Pants?” Try to get them backpedaling. If you’re dedicated enough, you’ll successfully create a healthy padding of doubt between yourself and the truth.
And finally, I’m going to suggest a way that you can turn someone else’s humiliating ass passage into brownie points for you. This one really only works for dudes. A girl might be able to pull it off, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Say you’re hanging out in a group of people, and one of them is a cute girl you’re interested in. Maybe you’re standing next to each other, doing that thing where your shoulders are touching but you both act like you don’t notice but you’re both actually completely stoked about it. And then she farts. Not all petit and girly like, either. It’s something you never believed could ever come out of a girl. You now have the chance of a lifetime to score untold, unfair amounts of brownie points with this babe. Just as everyone is registering that they heard a gassy roar from your general direction, take the blame. Make it obvious. Say something like “Sweet Moses I’ve been holding that in for days.” Maybe go for a high five from one of the people in the group, celebrating your alleged discharge. Other options include but are not limited to: “I’m so glad I just tore ass” or “I totally just farted. That was all me and definitely not her.” She’ll know what you just did. You’ll know what you just did. She’ll want to be Mrs. Fart-Claiming-Hero in no time.
There you have it, ladies and gents. You’re going to want to print this one out and carry it in your wallet/purse in case an emergency happens. And let me tell you, it will. Tune in next week for How to Cope with Being Obnoxiously In Love – A Guide.