Dear Saturday Night Live,
I don’t know if you were planning on doing a skit about the ripe-for-parody Democratic Debate being that NBC hearts HRC, but I went ahead and wrote you one just in case. Please feel free to use it and pay me for it. – Conor.
Shot opens with camera panning around cheering crowd, candidates behind their podiums. Settles and zooms in on ANDERSON COOPER.
AC360: Hello and welcome to the first Democratic debate of this election season. We have a lot of questions for our five candidates and not a lot of time, so let’s get down to it. This is our first question for the candidates: How much of an asshole is Donald Tr – Oh, uh, my apologies. It appears some of the questions from the Republican debate got mixed in here… oh, yes, here we go. Candidates, let’s start off with some quick introductions, beginning with you Governor Chafee.
CHAFEE: Good evening America. My name is Lincoln Chafee. I was once a Republican, but I’m a Democrat now. I was President of the Student Council, Captain of the Water Polo team, Drum Major, I was a Mayor at one point, I was in the Senate – or the House, can’t remember – and recently I was the Governor of Rhode Island. If there’s one thing I want you to know about me, it’s that I am as hard as granite (points to Cialis-branded tie).
AC360: Like, your resolve is as hard as granite?
CHAFEE: Right now, hard as granite.
AC360: You mean your values, right?
CHAFEE: Never had a scandal, Anderson –
CHAFEE: – But I’m interested in changing that (Raises eyebrows at AC)
AC360: Moving on, Senator Webb.
WEBB: Thank you, Anderson. Good evening, I’m Jim Webb. I was once a Senator from the great state of Virginia, I was the Secretary of the Navy, Assistant Secretary of Defense for Reserve Affairs, Counsel for the United States House Committee on Veterans’ Affairs and I am a proud veteran, having served in Vietnam as a Marine Corps officer. I believe in capitalism, and people’s freedom to defend themselves according to the second amendment. I belie-
AC360: Alright, thank you Senator Webb. Governor O’Malley –
WEBB: But, I wasn’t done talking?
AC360: You went over your time.
WEBB: I’ve killed a man.
AC360: Please, continue.
WEBB: (Pauses) That’s it.
AC360 (Nervously): Thank you, Senator. Governor O’Malley.
O’MALLEY: Anderson, it’s great to be here. I want to thank CNN and Facebook for having me at this historical first and only primetime Democratic debate, so rare that it should probably be on the endangered species list. My name is Martin O’Malley, and I am a former Governor of Maryland. I’m very proud of what I accomplished as Governor, including singing a much better rendition of the National Anthem than Sheryl Crow just did. That was awful. And although this is a debate for Presidential candidates, I want everyone to also think about how qualified someone must be to be a Vice President. Someone should be young, appealing to voters, have some surprising talents such as maybe being a great musician, and also be an experienced politician who was reelected so many times that he had to stop running for reelection because of term limits. These are important qualities in a Vice President.
AC360: But you’re running to be the Democratic nominee for President, right?
O’MALLEY: Right, yes, of course. Just wanted to highlight some information I thought was important.
AC360: Okay, very helpful? Senator Sanders.
SANDERS (Yelling): I AM HERE BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE. YOUTH UNEMPLOYMENT IS 2000%. MINORITY YOUTH UNEMPLOYMENT IS 5000%. YOUTH MINORITY UNEMPLOYMENT IS 6000%. THE REAL UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBER, NOT THE ONE THEY REPORT BUT THE REAL ONE, IS 165%. THE MIDDLE CLASS IS DISAPPEARING. THE 1% ARE THE ONLY ONES GETTING RICH, THE BILLIONAIRES. WE ARE THE ONLY MODERN COUNTRY WITHOUT MANY THINGS THAT ARE FREE. COUNTRIES LIKE DENMARK, SWEDEN, RUSSIA. SO MANY FREE THINGS. I THINK RICH BILLIONAIRES SHOULD PAY MORE TAXES SO THAT OTHER PEOPLE DON’T HAVE TO PAY FOR THINGS THEY WANT. PRESIDENT BUSH HAS RUINED THIS COUNTRY. THAT’S WHY I’M HERE.
AC360: Great, thank you Senator. Just a note, the current President is Barack Obama, a Democrat.
SANDERS (Still yelling): WHAT?
AC360: Barack Obama is our sitting, Democrat President.
SANDERS (Yelling, again): NO.
AC360: I, uh, you didn’t acknowledge… whatever.
SANDERS (Always yelling): OKAY.
AC360: And finally, Secretary Clinton.
CLINTON (Smiling maniacally): Thank you Anderson Cooper, popular CNN host with whom I am familiar. I came here tonight as a regular American, who is a woman. My grandfather worked in a factory. He was not a woman, but I am a woman. Like many of you out there, I am from humble beginnings, and am female. I was once first lady (pauses and looks at camera), I was a woman who was also a Senator for New York, and recently I was Secretary of State under President Obama, who is a man and is not a woman. I have many accomplishments during my years of humble service to America, and I look forward to adding to those accomplishments being the first woman to be President of the United States! And whose grandfather worked in a factory. And who is a woman.
AC360: Alright, well there you have it. Thank you, candidates, for those lively introductions. Time to move on to the economy. Candidates, the labor force participation rate is the lowest it has been since the 70’s. What would your administration do to get people back to work? We’ll start with Governor O’Malley.
O’MALLEY: Well, I can tell you that debate moderators such as yourself should have more opportunities to moderate Democratic debates. That’d probably be the first place I’d start. Next, I would make it a priority to help those people that specialize in preparing resumes for Vice Presidential candidates. Extremely important work they do, and let me tell you, they’ve been hit hard. They help really great, handsome men rise to their potential, much like our current Vice President Joe Biden.
AC360: Yes, thank you Governor. Very subtle. I’m sure he appreciates it, though unfortunately (Looks directly at the camera) VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN ISN’T HERE. (Pauses) What about you, Governor Chafee?
CHAFEE: Well Anderson, I’m glad you asked. I’d start by jumpstarting the market for quarries. You know, with my GRANI-
AC360: Alright then, Senator Webb?
WEBB: That’s a really important question, Anderson…
AC360: Thank you Senator Webb. Moving on –
WEBB: If I could just have some time, everyone else has –
AC360: Senator Sanders –
WEBB (Yelling): I KNOW WHERE THE PLANE IS!
(WOLF BLITZER stands up in the audience)
WOLF: Let the man speak!
AC360: The floor is yours, Senator.
WEBB: Well now that I have your attention, I would like to stress how we can take a lot of burdens off small business by –
WOLF: (Looks down) Dammit. (Sits down, distraught)
AC360: I am sorry, you are over your time Senator. I guess, I guess we’ll move on. Senator Sanders, the question was about getting our people back to work.
SANDERS (Again, he’s yelling): YES. I THINK A REALLY, REALLY GOOD PLACE TO START WOULD BE FOR MOTHERS TO STAY HOME WITH THEIR BABIES. THEY HAVE BABIES, THEY SHOULD STAY HOME WITH THOSE BABIES. EVERY OTHER COUNTRY IN EUROPE HAS MOTHERS AT HOME WITH BABIES, IT IS INSANE THAT OUR MOTHERS GO BACK TO WORK INSTEAD OF STAYING HOME. (Pauses for cheers) YES! MOTHERS SHOULD NOT EAT THEIR YOUNG.
AC360: What the fu-
SANDERS (Oblivious, yelling): AND ALSO, A FREE HAMMER AND A FREE SICKLE FOR EVERYONE. THESE ARE VERY IMPORTANT TOOLS FOR OUR WORKERS. AND ALSO, EVERYTHING AT THE DOLLAR STORE SHOULD BE A DOLLAR. EVERY TIME I GO IN THERE I FIND SOMETHING THAT IS MORE THAN A DOLLAR AND THAT IS JUST UNJUST, THOSE WEALTHY PEOPLE DECIEVING OUR WORKING CLASS WITH THEIR PROMISES OF DOLLAR ITEMS WHICH COST MORE THAN A DOLLAR.
AC360: But, how would that put people back t-
SANDERS (Talking over Anderson, yes, yelling): THE BUFFET AT THE GOLDEN CORRAL SHOULD BE FREE. NO ONE SHOULD GO HUNGRY AND THE GOLDEN CORRAL REALLY HAS IT ALL. AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? I’M GOING TO PUSH THE LIMITS HERE AND CRITICIZE A SPONSOR OF THIS DEBATE AND SAY WHAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING, THAT’S WHAT MY SUPPORTERS EXPECT OF ME, I’M HONEST AND I TELL THE TRUTH. IT’S TIME FOR FACEBOOK TO BE FREE FOR EVERYONE TOO. IT IS UNCONCIONABLE THAT THIS SUCKERSUIT CHARACTER IS A BILLIONAIRE OFF OF PEOPLE’S FACEBOOKS. IN MY DAY, EVERYONE AT THE SCHOOL GOT A FACEBOOK AND WE ALL SIGNED THEM. THERE’S NO REASON THAT SOMEONE SHOULD GET RICH OFF OF FACEBOOKS THAT EVERYONE SHOULD GET FOR FREE.
AC360: I don’t think you underst-
SANDERS (Interrupting. Still yelling): OUR COUNTRY’S SYSTEM IS BROKEN WHEN FACEBOOKS AREN’T FREE.
CLINTON: Anderson? Anderson? I’d like to respond to Senator Sanders.
AC360: Um, yes, please do. He seems to be talking about year-
CLINTON: President Obama has signed my Facebook. I guarantee he hasn’t signed Bernie’s.
SANDERS (Somehow not hoarse, yelling): OH YEAH, I’M SURE HE HAS, AND SO HAS ALL OF WALL STREET. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M SO DAMN TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT YOUR EMAILS!
CLINTON: YES! Say that again! Look deep into the camera! (Maniacal laugh) Say it again Bernie!
SANDERS (Somewhat confused, yelling): I MEAN I’M TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT EMAILS. HOW DO THEY WORK? WHAT HAPPENED TO GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED PAPER? RUSSIANS MAKE EXCELLENT PAPER, NOT TOO THIN, NOT TOO THICK, GREAT FOR WRITING THINGS. THE EMAILS ARE SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. WHERE DO THEY COME FROM?
AC360: Well let’s just move on to Secretary Clinton’s answer about low labor participation. How do we get people back into the workforce, Secretary Clinton?
CLINTON: First. Woman. President.
AC360: (Pause) Yes, do you want to expand on that, with, uh, policy?
CHAFEE (Looking concerned): Has it been more than four hours?
AC360: Well that about does it for the first Democratic Presidential debate. Tune in again in a couple of months for the next one, which will be on a Sunday afternoon when you’re probably watching pretty much anything else. (Touches his right ear) I am sorry I am just being told the second debate will air on TLC during the Super Bowl. Thanks for watching!
Camera pans out over cheering crowd, candidates mingle. In the background, ANDERSON COOPER takes a deep gulp of vodka from a bottle that was in a podium.
Thanks to Marco for some solid ideas and Kent for feedback.