(Author’s Note: For those of you who did not attend a Christian College, an “RDT” is an acronym for a Relationship Defining Talk.)
Local Starbucks barista, Joshua Anderson’s dreams of Valentine’s Day bliss were crushed Monday evening in what observers are calling “the most catastrophic miscalculation of romantic intentions since Monica Lewinsky.” Anderson’s ill-advised RDT with Katherine Wilkens started strong, but came to a grinding halt when she realized he was expressing his feeling for her through lines from popular romantic comedies.
The much anticipated talk came after weeks of rehearsing, and “checking the vibe” that Katherine was putting off. Anderson’s housemate also reports that Josh was dry heaving off and on for most of the day.
After opening with the requisite chit chat, Josh began baring his soul, a process made increasingly difficult by the constant cat calls, whistles and inappropriate gestures directed their way by the unruly diners at Hooters that night.
Mr. Anderson began his confession by declaring, “I’m just a boy standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him.” He hit his stride with, “Because that’s what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why did I jump? But here I am, Katie, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly is you.”
He was trying to seal the deal with, “It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard. And we’re going to have to work at this every day. But I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day” when Katherine “clammed up like a dead fish.”
It is speculated that Josh thought he could get away with his plagiarizing because Katherine comes from an Amish community where movies are forbidden along with colorful clothing, Skittles, and laughter.
Unfortunately for Josh, Katherine had read (by candlelight) Nicholas Sparks’ bestselling novel The Notebook – from which the last quote was taken – during last year’s harvest. She recognized the line and ousted Josh as the unimaginative tool shed that his multiple ex’s could have told her he was.
The Talking Mirror caught up with Joshua at his home, which he has not left since the incident. When asked about the prospects of facing another Valentine’s Day alone, his only comment was, “When great live is rejected, something inside a man dies. So all he can do is run away, where he can find the girl he’ll love second most.”
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- The Notebook
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