Jesus loves this relationship.

James Avery Totally Punked You

Hey… Hey there, readers. How are you doing? I missed you. Did you miss me? It’s been a while, I know. No excuses, really. Life happens, and sometimes when it happens it looks like one of those Nascar wrecks where you see it and you say “there’s no way someone walked away from that.” Somehow they do though, and rednecks love them for it. That’s me right now. Thank God for redneck loyalty. I know our love can withstand this beating. Let’s just forgive each other.

What did you do wrong? Oh, of course. It’s all my fault, right? Up on that pedestal as usual. It takes two to tango, sweetheart, and I don’t recall you writing any humor recently. Not your job? Not your humor website? Don’t get into semantics with me. Look, the point is that I’m back now. I don’t want to waste one more second being mad at you for letting me abandon you. Shhhhh. It’s okay, you’re only human.

Glad that’s behind us.

James Avery Totally Punked You

If you’re a Christian in the south, you’ve heard of James Avery. It’s a store that sells fancy, custom Christian jewelery. Buy a crucifix from a non-believer? Sinner. You need to be giving your Valentine’s Day budget right back to Jesus, and that’s what happens when you shop at James Avery. Buy your girlfriend a heart shaped pendant from James Avery and you’re guaranteed to be well on the way to holy-hand-holding (Christian 3rd base) in no time.

One wonderful pendant you can buy your schnookie-pooky-sugar-honey-lollipop (or whatever people call girlfriends these days) is a two-piece heart shaped set. She wears one half, you wear the other half. I know. Precious.

Here’s a pic taken from their website:

Jesus loves this relationship.

Jesus loves this relationship.

Oh. My. Gosh. Can you even believe how cute and Godly that is? I can hear it, almost as if I said it myself:

“Baby, I’m leaving for this one week missions trip down to Juarez, and it kills me that I won’t even be able to iChat with you. So I got you this necklace so that God would watch over our relationship and make sure you don’t dump me while I’m gone doing God’s work. You wouldn’t do that, would you? God’s work. Remember that. Love you!”

My heart just melted, twice. Like if I had two hearts, they would both melt. Don’t cows have two hearts? Or is that stomachs? Whatever, they all just melted big time.

Here’s the problem, which happens to be a problem with the vast majority of “Christian” products out there: This verse is taken violently out of context. Please, allow me to explain.

That quote on there is Genesis 31:49. Looks all well and good until you read the whole chapter. Or half of it. Or even the next six freaking verses. You see, that chapter is all about Jacob and his experiences with his double father-in-law Laban. I say double because Jacob was a baller and married two of Laban’s daughters, because Jacob was a guy that took one look at monogamy and said “that crap is for Chuck Norris” and then punched it in the face with his bicep. And no, he wasn’t a Mormon. Laban and Jacob didn’t like each other. In order to marry Laban’s daughters, Jacob had to work for Laban for seven years per daughter. (Not worth it. – Kent) Anyway, Genesis 31 is all about how Jacob knew that Laban didn’t like him and decided to take his womens and peace out to God’s Country.

Jacob took his wives and possessions and left without telling Laban. Laban figured this out when he was suddenly missing two daughters, one son-in-law, bunches of grandchildren, and some goats. He pursued and caught up with them and a confrontation ensued. Enter the phrase on that pendant up there. They set up a pile of rocks and basically said that phrase, and something like the following:

Laban: If you cheat on my daughters, I will kill you. But I won’t be around, so I’m setting these rocks up to symbolize the fact that God will be watching you, and he kills harder than I do.

Jacob: Right. These rocks also symbolize a boundary between us which we can’t cross to kill or maim each other.

So, we’re cool?

Laban: I wish I could hurt you but God is on your side and I don’t want to go to hell. (Note this as one of the ultimate utilizations of the “God card”)

Jacob: Good deal. Shalom!

Not quite the romantic snippet you were hoping it was, huh? So when you gave your girlfriend that necklace, you were really saying “if you cheat God will see you” and “don’t cross this necklace to kill me.”

Love is beautiful!

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