As you all know very well, The Talking Mirror is a well respected news organization trusted by millions. That burden weighs heavily on our shoulders, so when we see injustice in the way other supposed “news” organizations are covering the upcoming election we feel called by Truth itself to speak out. This is one of those instances.
Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve probably heard a little bit from both sides about Joe Sixpack. I’m not sure why they’re so concerned with the vote of someone who is either an alcoholic or an ab model, but they just keep talking about him. You’ve probably also heard about Joe the Plumber. I thought they were talking about Bob the Builder’s friend or something, but apparently he’s some Mr. Clean look alike that said something about money and then punched communism in the junk. Well I can tell you who you haven’t heard about, you innocent patrons of the evil news organizations, victims of propagandistic exclusions: Joe the Moron.
Joe the Moron is just a regular guy, just like most (stupid) people out there. He thinks the Electoral College is a division three school that his favorite Big 12 university will never have to be concerned with pummeling. He’ll probably vote based on whether or not a candidate would laugh at a Youtube video he thinks is funny. Or maybe he’ll vote for Nader just because weed is awesome, and that’s what the Green party is about, right?
The tragic reality is that he won’t vote. He’ll wake up on the afternoon of the final day of voting in a pile of empty Keystone cans, covered in peanut butter and jelly. He won’t know why. He’ll be violently hung over. He’ll stumble down to Subway, wondering why everyone is waving American flags around and yelling at each other about how their “vote” ruined our country. He won’t know what they’re talking about. He’ll go home and turn on MTV. It won’t matter what show is on, it’s all on his unique brainwave of idiot.
It seems as though both candidates are completely disinterested in Joe the Moron’s vote. They don’t care about the issues that are important to him. Whether or not nudity should be allowed on primetime television. “Legalize it.” Tila Tequila should be made secretary of anything. Kid Rock should be made ambassador to The Soviet Union. Beer Pong should be in the Olympics. What about these issues, candidates? What tax bracket does Joe the Moron need to get into in order to have his concerns be of importance to you? They would probably say “the tax paying bracket.” That’s just the kind of elitism that has led to Joe the Moron living in silence.
So, readers, we’re asking that you write a letter to your news organization of choice. Tell them that you’re mad. You feel cheated. You want to hear every voice, not just the voices they choose for us to hear. Tell them you want to hear about Joe the Moron.