This article was published this week by our partners in parody over at The Big Jewel. If you haven’t been to The Big Jewel yet, this blurb will tell you everything you need to know:
“It’s about time there’s a Web portal aimed at large Hasidim like myself. I applaud the launch of TheBigJew.com, and hope it will prosper!”
– Michael Colton, Co-Founder, Modern Humorist
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TO: Tom (My current boss)
I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.
– Kent (the guy with the funny ties)
TO: Cheryl (My high school guidance counselor)
I’d like to add you to my professional network of people on LinkedIn who thought I’d be dead by now.
TO: Susan (My old boss at JoAnn’s Fabrics)
I’d like to add you to my professional network of past employers on LinkedIn who were unaware that I was spending most of my time at work jousting with curtain rods and fitting myself for capes.
TO: Sam Jones
I’d like to add you to my professional network of college graduates on LinkedIn whose future in advertising depends largely on whether or not I have courtside seats at The Garden this Saturday.
TO: Britney Cooper
I’d like to add you to my professional network of emotionally stunted human resource professionals on LinkedIn who – coincidentally – were also the inspiration for my Facebook status yesterday afternoon when it read “Kent Woodyard thinks some people need to get over themselves.”
TO: Stephen, David, Josh, and Adam
I’d like to add you to my professional network of former college roommates on LinkedIn who were supposed to open a liquor store/sushi bar/off-track betting facility with me but decided instead to get married or deported and – as a result – had to abandon their childhood dreams, thereby forcing me to do the same.
TO: Kelly McFarland
I’d like to add you to my professional network of campus recruiters on LinkedIn who I’m sure are now regretting their decision to let a mild case of Tourettes and a few good-natured ethnic slurs come between The Walt Disney Company and a top-notch applicant for the marketing analyst position.
TO: Michael, Gary, and Mark
I’d like to add you to my professional network of coworkers on LinkedIn whose inability to “take one for the team” and “loan me the company credit card” will likely result in an uncharitable portrayal in my professional memoirs.
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