An Apology from Jennifer Knapp’s Last Boyfriend
Dear Evangelical Community, Hello. My name is Christopher Benson. You can call me Topher. Unless you workout at Cardinal Fitness in West Pittsburgh or have a child in K – 5th grade PE at Samuel Adams Elementary, chances are good that we have never met. Despite the...
Point/Counterpoint: Stop Speaking the Lyrics Before You Sing Them
Powerpoint Guy: Do you know what my job is, Jay? It’s not complicated, but it’s noble. I’ll tell you what my job is, Jay. Take a seat. My job is to deliver the correct words of the worship songs to the congregation, usually spread across a beautiful backdrop....
What’s in a Name? A Lesson in Church-Name Hermeneutics
A Note From the Authors: All of these churches are real. You can view their websites (most of which are pretty sweet) by clicking the church’s name. The sole purpose of this article is to mock some recently planted churches who, for whatever reason, have chosen some...
A Public Transportation Etiquette Primer
Americans don’t like community. In fact, given the opportunity, they’ll destroy it quicker than Nancy Pelosi can change her wig (cf. Wal-Mart, Mega-churches, the Reservation system, etc). It stands to reason then, that ever since ole Dwight D. “Greatest Generation”...
Mall Santas: An Exposé
Christmas comes but once a year, now it’s here, now it’s here. Christmas comes but once a year, tra la la la la. The arrival of the holiday season brings with it that most venerable of American institutions– the mall Santa Claus. After enjoying decades of favorable...
Ugg Boots: The Epilogue, Part Two
Written by Zac Chastain But deep in the darkness, the hateful heart beats on. The beast was wounded, but still its veins coursed with ink-black blood. While we sat licking ice cream cones and riding merri-go-rounds through the summer months, fattening ourselves on a...
Ugg Boots: The Epilogue, Part Four
Written by Zac Chastain For those of you unfortunate enough to have missed out on the earlier parts of the story and too damn lazy to read them, a summary: Basically our two cleverly named heroes Zac and Conor thought they had defeated Ugg Boots once and for all, and...
25 Random Facts — Hillary Rodham Clinton — I wanna talk about me!
Written by Zac Chastain Wanna talk about I Wanna talk about number one Oh my me my Haha love that song. SO, 25 things about me. Love it bitchezzzzz: 1. When I was in seventh grade, a few friends and I were on a girl scout’s camping trip in the Adirondacks. I had a .22...
If I wrote an article but no one was there to read it, would it still be incredibly witty, and insightful?
We are all well acquainted with the age old query regarding the sound displacement of the proverbial felled tree in the forest that is lacking in witnesses. While Kant and the lumberjacks could doubtless talk for days about the empirical and epistemological...
Death by Remote Control: A Word on the Stupefying Laziness of the Single, Adult Male
After making a three year incursion into the third decade, I can state unequivocally that being a single male between the age of 18 and 30 is one of the most catastrophically unhealthy decisions a person can make. Now please, don’t assume I’m talking about the usual...
Please, if there is a merciful bone anywhere in your body, just split the check for us
Of all the awful, unforgivable things a waiter can say to me (i.e. “Unfortunately, we’re all out of meatloaf.” “We don’t have Dr. Pepper, is Mr. Pibb okay?” “We don’t serve your kind.”) unquestionably the most abhorrent is some rendition of the following: “I’m sorry,...
Since when do I have to tip the chick in the DQ window?
I got beef with Starbucks. I love their drinks. I love their scones. I love their comfy seats, and softly lit decor. But that pretentious purveyor of music mixes and mochas has started an epidemic that is spreading through the food and beverage service industry of our...